The Yourdon Y2K Circus Ticket Sales and Last Call Auditions! : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread

Come one, Come all!!!

The Magnificent and Colossal Yourdon Y2K Circus is about to start it's blockbuster continental tour. (Contract circus performers can post and get messages here as the other thread is getting long )Get your tickets here!!!! Last chance auditions are being held now before the train departs. Don't miss your golden opportunity. Bring your animal acts, your wire acts, your magic shows to us. Be a clown. Dare to be famous!

Should anyone be unaware of the circus magnificence check out the 100+ post thread at this URL:

The Magnificent and Colossal Yourdon Y2K Circus

-- Donna Barthuley (, February 27, 1999


Round and Round we go, where it stops, nobody knows.

No jug on this here thread for me!

-- Rob Michaels (, February 27, 1999.

Great carousel, Rob. Now about your FRL liason job....I think we need to get the FRL chiefs involved here in case we need aerial coverage when going into hostile areas...How do you think this should be handled?

About that sheet, was my favorite...

-- Donna Barthuley (, February 27, 1999.

"About that sheet, was my favorite... "

AH HA!!! I suppose you expect me to think you were just conjugating latin verbs together. Sure, I believe it, oh yeah. And I better not find any more Jiggle Juice bottles in the back floorboard of the Clown Limo, either.

-- Lon Frank (, February 27, 1999.

Donna, Oh Great Creator of the Circus, Starter of the Thread, and Appreciator of the Sheet:

The Stealth Geese are still up to their feathers in the FLYLEAF OP we are running - you remember, goose droppings. The FRL is not without resources though, there are still other assets we can bring to bear, or duck, or beaver, or muskrat, or ...

I will bring it up on the FRL thread now and see what suggestions there are for the aerial coverage, and then report back here.

-- Rob on a mission Michaels (, February 27, 1999.

Aw, sheet, Donna.

-- Old Git (, February 27, 1999.


... ... .. .... .. . .. ...

. . ... .. .... ...... ...... .....

Dang, they keep gettin ahead of me!!!

HALP MR WIZARD!! I need a sanitary engineer!!!


-- Chuck, night driver (, February 27, 1999.

Chuck: Forget about the pooper scooper, we need to get a pooper dozer with backhoe! Maybe you and Lon can rent one.

Uh oh. Mrs. Michaels saz off da puter, wants me to watch something on the tele now with her.

Donna: No suggestions so far on the FRL thread :( maybe by the a.m.

offline, Rob

-- Rob Michaels (, February 27, 1999.


-- Dieter (, February 27, 1999.

May I dive in?

I have a disused fire-truck ladder (non-Y2K compliant), complete with paddling pool (not sure about it's compliance status - shall have to get in touch with SANYO). I thought about wearing a sparkly red costume but thought it might clash with Rob's pink tutu.... So have resorted to black with rhinestones to wow and bedazzle those far and wide. I shall paint my face and style my hair special like -- you know with those butterfly thingamajigs that the young un's wear now-a- days.

Watch me climb and perch and after the count of 1 to-be-ready, 2 to- be-steady -- whoa!! -- wobbling precariously for that added affect of danger and daring -- 3 to diveeeeeeeeeeee....... SPLODGE.....

Ummmmm!! What do we have here? Jiggle juice -- grape flavor.

I arise looking like a drowned rat, all colors of paint running down my face, hair bedraggled, finished off with my now soggy and somewhat baggy black rhinestone costume to your thunderous applause.

What! No applause. Just a loud thunderous laugh.

Perhaps I should think again and apply as a FOOL....

-- Carol (, February 28, 1999.

I dunno, it seems like Dieter is pretty hard set against the hyneas.

Maybe we should get rid of them. I mean, like, we don't want to upset our main guy here do we. What would a circus be without Dieter?

He has the potential of leaving us and settin up his own one man show, or maybe two man, of maybe three man, all by himself. He could give us a pretty good chalenge out there in the entertainment world.

Is it not so? with anchovies?

-- Gerybear, and double peppers

- Got Parmesan?

-- Greybear (, February 28, 1999.

How about some good ole down-home Louisiana contests:

Muskrat skinnin--Dieter might like that, no hyenas

Crawfish head sucking--for any of you "fat head" lovers out there

Alligator wrestling--with the intent to make gator balls of the winner

Miss Mardi Gras--free King Cake and purple sash to the winner

Frog jumpin--followed by a frog-leg eatin contest (not your own)

Bath tub races--and we'll all need one of those post y2k

Gumbo cookoff--anything left after the freezer defrosted

--Got Roux?

-- Carol (, February 28, 1999.

I am DONE with the bareback riding! I'm becoming bow-legged! (And it's drafty, too!)

I still want to be a trapeze star!!

-- Gayla Dunbar (, February 28, 1999.

Don't know why I didn't think of this before. Yeah, I do, I'm an addled old git. Anyway, we have a Carnivore Preservation Trust here in central NC and when Sweetie and me were over there, they told us some guy comes over every month to get a pickup load of lion, er, manure, because since he's been using it he never has problems with raccoons and such! Better keep a shovel in the trunk in case you come across some lion manure. Great barter item.

-- Old Git (, February 28, 1999.

Old Git

That's one a them co-insidences for ya. Many times, I been called a lion sack of manure!! (or somethin' like that)

-- Lon Frank (, February 28, 1999.

Donna: Is it too late to join up? I was a clown for about 10 years (parades, kid's shows, etc.)and am good at making balloon sculptures. I've been practicing since I found out about the Magnificent and Colossal Yourdon Y2K Circus and have developed some new sculptures for my repertoire: stealth goose, elephunt, and the piece de resistance-the fruitcake. Unfortunately, I'm having trouble with the flaming fruitcake sculpture. I'm also working on my juggling skills. I'm up to 5 cans of green beans in the air at a time. (I tried Dinty Moore stew but the gravy sloshing around inside puts a little English on the cans.) Hey! I just had a great idea-maybe I could juggle flaming fruitcakes. Bring on the asbestos gloves! Please let me know if there's still an opening for me. Digging out my grease paint and baby powder. "Shorty"

-- newbiebutnodummy (, February 28, 1999.

Chuck, my mian man! So good to have you aboard. It's alway's a pleasure to have such talentented and resourcefull personnel on the end of a shovel.

What? Oh, you just need bail money for the missus again, huh?

Well, let me hold them white shoes for you. I'd help ya, but a rerun of "I Dream of Gayla" is on the tube.

-- Lon Frank (, February 28, 1999.

Feb. 28, 1999

Shorty the Clown AKA newbiebutnodummy

Re: Your recent unsolicited application and resume

Dear Shorty TC:

After much consideration and deliberation by the Committee for Clown Placement (CCP), we regret to inform you that we have found your application as ballon sculpturist and fruitcake juggler, to be distastefull, somewhat dated, and well, downright nutty.

So, therefore, it is our unfortunate decision to reject your immediate employment proposition.

We have, however, forwarded your paperwork over to the Circus Dept. of Disposal of Elephuntine By-Products (CDDEBP). It is our understanding that the Director there is a most kind and forgiving gentleman, by the name of Lon. We sincerely urge you to consider any positions he may have available, being that they are, as everyone knows, the most highly regarded and glamorous performers in the modern circus industry.


The Committee for Clown Placement

-- (NOT) Lon Frank (, February 28, 1999.

Vell ma crystall bawl start actin oop again ...

Ve woodent vant ta fergit Gayla ...

Shez habout ta drop her robe an tak a ride fer

Gayla, gettik ready ta BareBack goo ridink (NOT da trapeze star!)

*DiAna Zee Seeress*

-- Diane J. Squire (, February 28, 1999.

Allsew I cee ...

Tricia de Canuck whooo kin wok mit cats'n'dogs, no dogies, but Birdz ok, sooooo she teachez traineee sorta parott ta talkz in circles around her!

Go figureeee!

*DiAna Zee Seeress*

-- Diane J. Squire (, February 28, 1999.

Den ... Old Git ...

Even tho he haz the shakes seeink non-compliant pink elephants havink withdrawal symtoms (didnt cee that) ... but ...

He seckretlee wan Ringmistress role (vith top hat an whip an black leather thingie) onlee he so ole he fergit vip n thingie!

Vhy I askz do I cee all thez thinks agin, naow?

*DiAna Zee Seeress*

-- Diane J. Squire (, February 28, 1999.

Linda, don't believe a thing that Lon puts out, I bet Old Git will be thrilled to welcome you just as you are.

Diane, your crystal ball is semi-right, the parrot *screeches* circles around me :-( But I'm working on it.

The cats are coming along nicely; they come when I call (usually) and will beg for goodies quiet well. As I said, the big trick is to want them to do what they want to do :-)

-- Tricia the Canuck (, February 28, 1999.

Meet my new friend - she can also balance and juggle fruitcakes and toss them so high in the air that they will provide for short range aerial coverage!

-- Rob Michaels (, February 28, 1999.

Fer donna, whoz light on jugglers, not jigglers...

Got ya new recruitz ...

Yu think Rob-eee can learnz to do dat? Effen vhen hee drinkz? Fer donna, whoz light on jugglers, not jigglers...

Yu think Rob-eee can learnz to do dat? Effen vhen hee drinkz?

Betz it'd bee vone heck ov a mess for Lon ta clean oop.

Voopsie, he droopsie ...

Von moor time bomba fer poor ole Lon ... he changin costume agin an get pretti dad gum impatient ...

*DiAna Zee Seeress*

-- Diane J. Squire (, February 28, 1999.

Pretti vierd huh Rob?

You psykick? Instead a see'in douvle, yooo makee me cee triple.


*Diane Zee Seeress*

-- Diane J. Squire (, February 28, 1999.

Shorty the Clown AKA newbiebutnodummy

Re: Your recent unsolicited application and resume

Dear Shorty TC:

After much consideration and deliberation by the Committee for Clown Placement (CCP), we regret to inform you that we have found your application as ballon sculpturist and fruitcake juggler, to be distastefull, somewhat dated, and well, downright nutty.

Ref: The above must have mistyped - you have established your eminemt (-1 sp) ermine qualifications by virtue of being virtuously vicariously (but too virtuously) associated with this group - ergo ipso facto thereforo ab absurbo infintinito, you are membered into the circus. Now, where doth thou hail from, or which one of you am I talking to - as there appears to be several of your collective type Carol's? And its way past Christmas, even in New Zealand - else we would let you deck the halls with gay apparel - no even no apparel - if bareback decking is approved.

-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw, GA) (, February 28, 1999.

Aaahhmmm, Excuse me, yoo hoo, Diane, paging Diane!
Please check your eMail. You are being summoned.
Only way to get your attention, oh animated pull-out-of-hat!

xxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxx

-- Leska (, February 28, 1999.

Scene: An elderly gent, wearing an old faded rubber nose, shuffles across a deserted Big Top.

The adoring crowds have gone, the oil lamps sputter in the various clown trailers, a lone figure retreats further into the shadows, nursing a jug of Jiggle Juice, and a slice of fruitcake.

The tired old gent pauses momentarilly to look at the soles of his shoes:

(mumbling to himself): -up to my everlasting in jugglers and what do they hire? More of 'em, that's what! And seals!, for Heaven's sake. You ever catch the breath on one a dem? They don't 'sackly munch after dinner mints, I'll tell ya. Gotta do EVER"TING 'round here myself. Should never a left da bayou, that's what. Them dam elephunts is one thing, but I aint gonna share no trailer with no seal, I Gar- on-tee that!

-- Lon Frank (, February 28, 1999.

Carol of several including ( and and other places,

Which ones of you are working where? How's does we keep you apart? Does this mean you get to share the paycheck?

-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw, GA) (, February 28, 1999.

Vhew, Leska!

Neffer k-nowe vhen ya gonna hear thinks!

Vone off Tricias birdz got loosey an makin auful noise n vet mess (Poore ole Lon)!

Den therz dat von go cookie ...

Sheez tryink ta cstch doze birdz!

Tricia, Outta Con-troll

*DiAna Zee Seeress*

-- Diane J. Squire (, February 28, 1999.

Lon - the seals will clean up after themselves won't they - you know, each has to be Good Housekeeping approved before appearing out of uniform.

-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw, GA) (, February 28, 1999.

Sheesh! Hate it vhen breakz ...

Not houze Brokin birdz

*DiAna Zee Seeress*

-- Diane J. Squire (, February 28, 1999.

Lon: Don't you cast no aspersions on my seal friends now - and they be stayin wit me anywho since they're FRL Seals on loan to this here Circus and will provide cover in hostile eras! That protection includes you too ya know. Geez. And another thing, I would rather smell my Friendly FRL Seals breath than what you are smellinwith all dem oiliphants - so there!

Robert: Don't ya get it? Carol , now she is a genuine Gypsy in disguise!

-- Rob Michaels (, February 28, 1999.

Gypsies is da skies? Paratroops? Where, Rob? I don't see no Gypsies.

-- Lon Frank (, February 28, 1999.

I'm not doing very well. Put on the top hat, red coat and bow tie, then picked up the whip, cracked it and tried to whip Sweetie into shape. We both ended up ROFLOAO. The cats just slit one eye apiece and went back to sleep. I guess I'm just not into discipline. Maybe it would help if I added shirt, pants and boots.

-- Ineffective Old Git (, February 28, 1999.

Lon: Stealth Gypsy.

Old Git: Don't forget the Duct Tape :)

-- Rob Michaels (, February 28, 1999.

SILENCE!!!!! SILeNCE RAvING HYeNAS!!!! HAVE yOU no shaMe????? hAVE You ALL slipPED IN A PudDLE OF YOur own drOOL AND Hit yoUR HEADS?????? ENOUgH!!!! GOD In heaVEN ENOUgh oF THIS MINdLess BLatHERWOCky!!!!! ARe YOU JAckaLS beNt on beComING THE POsTERchiLd of FOoLISHNESS????? HELLo???? DIeTER'S SPLEEN BLeedS FRom thE FOOLIshneSS HERE, IS THis nOt trUE????? SILEnCE!!!! SILeNCE I SAy!!!!


-- Dieter (, February 28, 1999.

Dateline: Geezerville-On-The-Bayou

Geezerville OTB police assisted county sheriff, Big Bubba Babineaux, in an unprecedented raid at the Yourdon's Circus, today. Taken into custody was Old Git, stand-in ringmaster, and alledged front-person for this apparently otherwise legitimate entertrainment giant.

The Alledged was apprehended wearing only a red coat with a bow-tie. Several bystanders were slightly injured and recieved treatment for whip burns. Circus spokesperson, Mr. Lon Frank, denied any association with organized crime, stating flatly that the crime around there was clearly as unorganized as a muskrat's birthday party.

-- Lon Frank (, February 28, 1999.


how about a haiku


-- (haiku@once.please), February 28, 1999.

Thanks for locating my birds for me, Diane. I'll do my best to keep them from adding to the mess for poor old Lon.

This forum is getting some raunchy! First we have Donna, our sheetless woman; then there's Rob, typing along with only his red socks, and now Old Git! And Robert dared to laugh at me for going to the gym without my swimsuit! Obviously I was just ahead of my time, even for this place.

How's that tutu fit, anyway, Robert?

-- Tricia the Canuck (, February 28, 1999.

Dieter, Calm down son, just calm down. You really should take time to smell the flowers...


-- Bobbi (, February 28, 1999.

Tricia: I am in enough trouble already between that sheet thing and the emtpee jug and I deny postin in only my really bright red socks - I also have my really bright red robe , you know, the one with the Duct Tape Belt. Glad to hear you got the birds and cats in order again.

Lon: I'm trying, I really am, but so far cannot find a super pooper scooper gif for ya.

-- Rob Michaels (, February 28, 1999.


That's a Jumbo-Dumbo-Pooper-Scooper. An' it don't have to be no gif'. Hell, Boy I can pay fer the thing!

-- Lon Frank (, February 28, 1999.


Check with some of the folks on one of the Federal Y2K councils. They shovel enough of the subject substance out the they shold know where to get the scoops.

-- Greybear (, February 28, 1999.

Oh an', Trish,

Don't you worry you little head about them birds makin' a mess for poor ol' Lon. No, siree, I'm glad you got 'em. I LIKE birds, Yess...nice little birdies,....PLUMP little birdies...yesss.

-- Lon Frank (, February 28, 1999.

Greybear: Based on all of my limited experiences with the Fed Y2K Con-cils, all I would expect to get would be Poops, no scoop.

-- Rob Michaels (, February 28, 1999.

I'm gonna tell you again, I am NOT doing the horse thingy.

I'll just keep dancing over here until somebody notices me. I can even do this on a tight wire.

-- Gayla Dunbar (, February 28, 1999.

Wow Gayla that's terrific! Maybe they will reconsider the trapeze, or even he tight wire for you.

-- Rob Michaels (, February 28, 1999.

Yeah, Gayla,

But can you do it standin' on your head, on a trapeze, 50 foot over the crowd, with no net, and...uh,...

Gayla, where you goin'? Come back.


-- Lon Frank (, February 28, 1999.

Scene: Deserted mid-way of the entertainment giant, Yourdon Circus Enterprises, Inc.

The screaming crowds of merry-makers are gone, the gears of the rides, silently rusting in slumber. With unexpected chill, the wind rustles the gay litter that is the echo of laughter in grease paint. The gaudy billboards hauntingly mock an elderly gent wearing a faded clown nose and orange hair, as he passes among them in the waning moonlight.

A lone, furtive figure nursing a jug of Jiggle Juice and a slice of fruitcake, retreats further into the shadows.

The elderly gent mutters to himself:

"Dadgum uppity women. I wasn't really gonna EAT her dumb bird; jist havin' a little fun's, all. Not like we don't have enough assorted critters poopin' around here already. Gotta do EVER'TING around here, myself! And where's that high-fallutin' engine-eer they hired, anyhow? I bet his hands could fit one a them scoopers, yes sir. But do I get any help? Noooo, all's I get is the bird from them uppity women, an' I caint eat that, now can I?

-- Lon Frank (, February 28, 1999.

Hey Diane, nice bomb! I think it needs a big red Y2K on the front though! <:)=

-- Sysman (, March 01, 1999.

It just struck me--bomb--BUMB. As in Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau. Fits right in. Tricia--due any of your deugs baht? And due we 'av a myunkeh?

-- Old Git (, March 01, 1999.

No, Old Git, noon off my deugs baht, but Ginger snaps.

Watch out for Ginger, Lon! That cat particularly likes men. And she's rather big - could even supply that farmer mentioned on another thread, to keep the 'coons away. Oh, did I mention that she's very protective of my birds....Oh, Lon, don't run away, I was just teasing!

-- Tricia the Canuck (, March 01, 1999.

To: Committee for Clown Placement Attn: His royal pooper-scoopedness, Lon Frank

Dear Sir:

I was under the impression that the MCYY2K Circus was auditioning for all types of acts. Now you're trying to telling me that the only thing I would be under is the elephunts? I'll have you know that I have devoted many hours to studying the myriad types of fruitcakes: the dark, rum-soaked ones, the cakes studded with fruits and nuts (almost no flour), and the light cake with little fruits and nuts (or as I call them, the fruitcake wannabes.) Through my intense study, I was able to determine that the while the lovely dark cakes-my personal favorite-are perfectly suited to mimicing in balloon sculptures, they do not make good cakes for juggling. For one thing, they're too heavy to juggle easily and for another, when you drop them, they resemble something else (something which, in your illustrious career as scooper of messes of elephuntine proportion, you must have scooped plenty of.) Naturally, you see my reticence in picking up the aforementioned cake (or is it patty/potty?) On the other hand, the fruitcake wannabes are perfectly balanced for juggling but lack the proper flamability quotient for firing up.

So, as you can see, I have prepared intensely for this audition and I request another opportunity to apply to the illustrious MCYY2K Circus.

May the Bird of Paradise fly up your nose. (No offense, that's a highly regarded clown form of greeting, the equivalent of "tata for now" in clownese.)

Shorty the Clown

PS. If there are no clown vacancies I would be willing to assist in your monumental (and mountainous) task in the CDDEB-P. I have four clownettes of my own and have personally "transferred" tons of the by-product my self. May a flea take refuge in your armpit. (Not to worry, just more clownese.)

-- newbiebutnodummy (, March 01, 1999.

newbiebutnodummy: I am very impressed with your fruitcake expertise and want you to know that you will always be welcome at the FRL. People of your fruitperience are hard to come by, or go by, or find anywhere. So you can count on having a job at the FRL in case this circus thing doesn't work out, or work in, or work sideways. Long Live our Fruitcake Freedoms!

-- Rob Michaels (, March 01, 1999.

Rob, you are so kind. Tis true, not only have I studied these wonderful cakes, but I have personally taste-tested them and can tell you first hand that those lovely darks that I have referred to in my app to his poopiness, Mr. Frank, are by far the best tasting. (An aside, I used to help my mother MAKE the lovely dark ones for years, thus finally laying to rest the myth that there are only limited numbers of cakes in the world and they are recycled.) Long live the FRL and thank you from the bottom of my heart for the vote of confidence. Shorty, er, Linda

-- newbiebutnodummy (, March 01, 1999.

Okay - so after taking a sensus around here - since we have no sense anyway, it didn't take long - I think we have a newbiebutnobunny, one or two Carols from two or three places, and a partridge in a pair of trees that have no assignments.

I vote they get assigned - what the sign says, I don't know, but they need a sign.

And Ringmaster falling down on the job by getting arrested with with only a bow tie on. Now - how do you clip on on them bowed-tied things with no shirt? Is Donna up a tree with no rope? Up a tree with no paddle? On a rope with no soap?

-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw, GA) (, March 01, 1999.

Mr. Cook: I used to raise bunnies but when they got a certain delectable age (not to mention, too big to pull out of the hat) I made them into chicken, er rabbit, spaghetti. So, I really AM newbiebutnobunny.

(On a serious note, seems like I remember your dilemma over aged relatives-how are things going? I ask for your prayers today folks, I go to sign my dad up on hospice. He is in the end stages of Alzheimers. I lost my fruitcake loving mother 2 years ago and Dad has gone downhill rapidly since then. That grief added to the stress of my y2k prep has me under quite a pile. Thanks for the comic relief. Linda

-- newbiebutnodummy (, March 01, 1999.

Dear Shorty, AKA, Linda! Sorry for my belated "welcome aboard!" I see that Lon is up to his usual shenanigans, coopting my clown candidates. (ahem, LON). Looks like you're gonna fit into this crowd just fine.

I was pretty busy yesterday gang, booking the first stops on our tour. First Stops: The Salton Sea and Slab City! For fun everyone, do a web search on Slab City, if you haven't already heard of the place.

Whadya all think of a show at Caesar's Palace? Course we'll have to keep close track of the elphunts as Caesar's charges an arm and a leg for animal act, uh,..accidents.

I've chained Mr. Keys (my honey) to the computer to work on our schedule while I head out back to the east forty where the still's hid...gotta make sure we have adequate supply of jiggle jui,...uh, beverage, for all the MCYY2K professionals.

Hey, GB....can you figure a way to attach rice to a popsicle stick, you know, rather like, corn dogs...? dreamed about that last night,...inspiration is where you find it.

"Qui vit sans folie n'est pas si sage qu'il croit. (He who lives without folly isn't so wise as he thinks.)" Francois, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

-- Donna Barthuley (, March 01, 1999.

Tricia - Ginger snaps, huh? And I suppose you have a cat called Cheeze and Cheeze nips? Droll, very droll, but it's a much-needed commodity around here, drollery is.

Rob, the bow-tie. It's one of those with two pieces of ribbon which hook together in the back. Very fetching. I like the whip best, though, makes a lovely cracking sound. Still produces fits of giggles from Sweetie, though. Maybe if I tried a French maid's outfit. . .

-- Old Git (, March 01, 1999.

A lone, furtive figure nursing a jug of Jiggle Juice and a slice of fruitcake, retreats further into the shadows...

Poore olee Lon, mutterin agin Dadburn circus help!

Buta boyz he sureee comz a runnin fer mora da jiggle juicz!!

Boyz he suure does a lotta changin! Sall da stuffie he hafta scoops uppy.

Juga Jiggle Juice


N Fruity Cake?

(Gotta runz naow. Mebee waddle. Keep trippin ovher dis longy e-gypsy dresz. Cee other thredz).

*DiAna Zee Seeress*

-- Diane J. Squire (, March 01, 1999.

Offy blodz.

-- Diane J. Squire (, March 01, 1999.

HOW FOoLISH caN YOu be????? hoW MAny of youR INSANe piCturES MUST YoU SUBjECT US tO?????? INFiDEL!!!!! CAN You noT PUT Your finGers inTO YOuR EARS To try And conTAIn tHe lasT DRibBlES OF YouR LEAKInG MIND????? SILeNCE!!!!! SiLEnce noW!!!!!! SToP THIS TORtuRE OF DIEtERS EYeS!!!!!! HYeNA!!!!!

-- Dieter (, March 01, 1999.

Now it sounds like Dieter's calling a hyena.

Dieter, you goin to have to make up you (alleged) mind.

Do you want the hyneas or not?

--Greybear, working on secret formula for sticking sticks in rice cakes.

- Got Wash Cloths?

-- Greybear (, March 01, 1999.

Old Git, Darling....seems like you would be a natural with the know Lon's too busy...Chuck has his elphunt duties...the dancers and acrobats are practicing their little butts off....

I think with your strength and stamina, the lions are right up your alley!....Of course I'll take suggestions from you and other wise heads.....We are close to our first show...we need to get all these details nailed down.

-- Donna Barthuley (, March 01, 1999.

Donna, I thought I was the cat and bird trained :-(

Did I get demoted while I wasn't looking? Do I have to help Lon.

I'm sorry that dang-burned bird got away from me, but she's back to singing circles around me now. Of course, I'll toe the lion, er line.

-- Tricia the Canuck (, March 01, 1999.

Tricia,..sorry I missed the bird all means, I think you should keep doing what you do. I love birds. I even love the herons that ate my goldfish and koi in my pond...I've always wanted to keep a bird...send me email about novice bird keepers and I will keep my un trained birds out of the ring...

We need bird acts!!!!!! Afterall the FRL has their geese....

-- Donna Barthuley (, March 01, 1999.

Scene: A small, run-down circus trailer. A torn and faded canvas awning hangs precariously from one end like the over-sized cap of a little-leaguer. Inside, an elderly gent wearing a faded rubber nose and wisps of orange hair, bends over a small make-up tray before a cracked and foggy mirror. He begins to wearily wipe off the grease paint and perspiration; gingerly, as though searching for the masterpiece beneath a student's unfortunate immitation of a Dali clown.

Through the broken window, the early summer wind whistles up a gargantuan moon from the mists of the bayou. A lone, furtive figure nursing a jug of Jiggle Juice and a slice of fruitcake, retreats further into the shadows.

The old man stops and leans close to his mirror, as though gazing into the uncharted recesses of a clown's soul. His candle gutters in the breeze. Finally, he sighs and falls back heavily upon the thread-bare couch, scattering the remnants and aromas of cotton candy and Spam-on- a-stick, pilfered along the living delicatesson of the circus midway.

He lifts a lime-green, size 47 clown shoe, sniffs briefly, and mutters to himself:

"Dam elephunts."

-- Lon Frank (, March 01, 1999.


You just gotta quit reading those type books. Pick up some Clancy or Cornwell even a dave Barry, ah hell even a Mac Bolen or two, but you're depressing the heck out of me.

-- Greybear, one more sad old clown is liable to get one right between the running lights.

- Got Cold Cream?

-- Greybear (, March 01, 1999.

Oh, please, leave Tricia with the cats, dogs and birds. Maybe we could turn the ringperson's job over to Dieter, who does a pretty good job of yelling at people. Diane, if you need someone to cast the astrological charts you need for your fortune-telling, I could do that. For instance, the Moon will be full in Virgo at 0615 GMT tomorrow, which means 0115 EST. With Mercury getting ready to go into Aries around 1700 hours EST, well, you know what THAT all means.

-- Mysterious Old Git (, March 01, 1999.

Gayla, taking time out from dancing, to say a prayer for Linda. (newbie)

-- Gayla Dunbar (, March 01, 1999.

(et tu, greybrute?)

Scene: A lonely dirt road, the sun just rising upon an early Spring morning. An old gent wearing a faded rubber nose and whisps of orange hair is slowly plodding thru the dust. Over his shoulder he lovingly carries a pooper-scooper, care-worn and smoothed by countless hours of use. By the handle hangs a purple, green and gold bandana, containing various souveniers of a life in the Big Top; mute testimony to a life gone awry.

Behind him, the Sun is gilding the tents with dampness, as a lone and furtive figure, nursing a jug of Jiggle Juice and a slice of fruitcake, retreats further into the gathering shadows.

The old gent mutters to himself:

"Wellll, Ol' Lon don't know much, but he knows when he's not wanted! That's right. He knows how to pack his bag, hit tha road, jump a frieght, skeddadle, and vamose, I'll tell ya. I was lookin' fer a job when I found this one, ya know. I been run out a gooder places than this, I guess! Threaten Ol' Lon's runnin' lights will they? I'll show them lights,....TAIL lights!

I mean, if'n they don't cotton to my Emmitt Kelly routine, they can just find some other bozo to push around, yes, sir! Maybe they can replace me with one a them computers, that's what. Or get that smart alecky engin-eer to fix up a elephunt zamboney or some'ting.

It aint enough that I gotta sleep with a dadgum seal in my shower, now they's talkin' about crazy go-rillas and hyenas. I aint stickin' to see who gets to clean up after that go-rilla, no, sir. Beside's that, go-rilla's always remind me of my cuz, "Fur-ball Fontenot" Lawsy, that was a hairy woman!

That's right, folks, don't look fer Ol' Lon no more! My mind's made up. I'll just haul my sorry carcass back to the bayou. I mean, it weren't no big decision. Not like the time I dropped my chewin' gum in the chicken yard, no sir, now, that was a hard decision.

Yeah, this'll fix 'em. They'll be sorry fer sure, now. I can jist hear 'em "Pleeeeze Lon, come back!", and "Plahahahaleeze, forgive us." But will I hear 'em? Nooooo, I'll be back makin' deliveries fer Iggie in the pireaux, that's where I'll be."

(He pauses, turns slowly, his giant shoes making miniature dust-devils in the road, and looks back at the brite flags fluttering from the Big Top; the children already gathering, their expectations in hand, their excitement overloading young imaginations.)

The slight breeze brings a familiar odor, and as a tear trembles momentarily upon the stubble of his chin, before tumbling in slow- motion to burst upon a giant shoe, creating lime-green rainbows for the grass bugs hiding nearby, he mutters in a voice as old as avarice, and as soft as love:

"I WILL miss them dam elephunts tho....."

(to be continued)

-- Lon Frank (, March 01, 1999.

A round of applause, a standing ovation, and the Oscar for best disappearance in the dramatic category goes to ....

-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw, GA) (, March 01, 1999.

Pleeeeze Lon, come back! If you go, you'll miss the big surprise party we have planned for you. And, what would we do with all of that gumbo and crawfish?

PS- You CAN'T leave until you tell us: who IS the lone and furtive figure, nursing a jug of Jiggle Juice and a slice of fruitcake, retreating into the gathering shadows???

-- Gayla Dunbar (, March 01, 1999.

OK, if you're gonna pout. Come on back and I'll talk to the RingLeader. We'll get some of the newbie idio....clowns to take over the halfalump backend chores.

I'll get you a job selling spam-on-a-stick or rice cakes dipped in salad oil. We do have some new exciting stripped horses I think you'll like too.

Once a clown always a clown. You couldn't ever go back to being a plain ol goofus and you know it.

-- Greybear, who didn't like the looks that go-rilla was giving out either.

-- Greybear (, March 02, 1999.

Speakin of go-riller reminded me of item in the news here abouts a while back. It ain't strictly circus business but it did happen in the local zoo. Since this is pretty close to a zoo and our circus is shaping up to look a lot like a zoo on wheels, I'll relate the quaint little tale:

We had a terrible situation our at the zoo here a while back. Now the head zookeeper had a bad problem. He had a female go-riller but no male. Seems the female go-riller was...shall we say pineing away for affection. She was gettin had to handle and causing a general ruckus.

They had a meeting and decided to approach an ol boy from A&M who was working out at zoo. He was a rather large, harry individual with a protruding brow. They asked him if he would have sex with the Go-riller for $500. He said he would have to think about it over night. He came back the next day and said he would do it on 3 conditions.

The head zookeeper asked what the conditions were. The Aggie said: 1) I dont have to kiss her and 2) I dont want nothing to do with any offspring of this union. The head zookeeper, seeing the resolution to his problems near, readily agreed and asked what the third condition was. The Aggie said: youll have to give me about two weeks to raise the $500.

-- Greybear (, March 02, 1999.

But the girlilla turned him flat down, said she only went out with T'sipper's.

-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw, GA) (, March 02, 1999.

Can we start a new thread, oh please, oh please? My 486 keeps going bye-bye because of all the graphics and I'm wearing out the reboot button. Don't stop doing those graphics, I really like them, but can y'all take pity on us old buggers with our old geezer computers, shorten the thread?

-- New-Computer-Deprived Old Git (, March 02, 1999.

Gayla-Thanks for the prayer. That was one of the hardest things I've had to do. Linda

-- newbiebutnodummy (, March 02, 1999.

Oh! I nearly missed it! Have had to pirate equipment to beam in here! But sign us up! My troops and I will bedazzle one and all with a reenactment of choice sements from the "Kaleidoscopic, Transcendental, Multi-Lingual, Ever-Changing Two Ton Mustard Seed." (If you ever heard the original, ya gotta drop me a line!)

-- Faith Weaver (faith-weaver@usa.met), March 03, 1999.

And just think of the tree that one grows into ...... you're talking firewood forever.......

-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw, GA) (, March 03, 1999.

Justa pointik da vay to vhere ve gonik, againee ....

Part 3...

MCYY2K Circus Continued. Off to join the Circus! 000Yyc

Discombobulated. Boopsies. Pretee standerd stuff, deese daze.

DiAna Zee Seeress

-- Diane J. Squire (, March 03, 1999.

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