OT: VULGAR HUMOR ALERT--On Beans and Their Unwanted Effects

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Greybear authored an enormously popular thread entitled "Beans and Air Quality." I couldn't find it; perhaps someone will link to it. It was such a long thread, perhaps it's time to begin a new one anyway. The following seems appropriate. This thread is respectfully dedicated to Greybear and Gene. Gene knows why. Caution: vulgarities and one or two swear words are included.

There was a young fellow from Sparta,

A really magnificent farter,

On the strength of one bean,

He'd fart God Save the Queen,

And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary with proper persuasion,

His fart to suit the occasion,

He could fart like a flute,

Like a lark, like a lute,

This highly fartistic caucasian.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,

And fizzle a fine serenata.

He could play on his anus,

The Corialanus,

Oof,boom,er-tum,tootle,hum tah-da!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,

He could double-stop fart the Toccata,

He'd boom from his ass,

Bach's B-Minor Mass,

And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager,

With an envious German named Bager,

He'd proceed to fart

The complete oboe part,

Of the Haydn Octet in B-Major.

It went off in capital style,

And he farted it through with a smile.

Then feeling quite jolly,

He tried the finale,

Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,

But it did not dismay him a bit.

Then with ass thrown aloft,

He suddenly coughed,

And collapsed in a shower of shit.

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), November 25, 1999


Creative, funny and definately gross!!ROTFLMAO!

-- Billy-Boy (Rakkasan@yahoo.com), November 25, 1999.

Sorry, I should have said: 'twas not I who wrote this piece. I do not have a source, it was sent to me by a friend and had obviously made the rounds.

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), November 25, 1999.

Are farts any smaller if you grind the beans up into a paste?

Inquiring minds need to know.

The bride KNOWS I bought WAY too many beans. Of course, one bowl would be way too many.........................

-- mushroom (mushroom_bs_too_long@yahoo.com), November 25, 1999.

I have the answer to your flatulence problem. Soak your beans in a lot of water all night then pour all the water off in the morning. then cook the beans til tender. Usually a couple hours or more. Your gas will be reduced.

-- Gay Boling (Wilber@montanasky.net), November 25, 1999.

My wife forgot to say add new water for cooking. Having said that My solution if all else fails don't light a match in confined areas. Next,tell your room mates to put a small amount of Vicks in each nostril, even yourself. It helps, believe me.


-- Glenn Boling (Wilber@montanasky.net), November 25, 1999.

you won't fart if you eat beans regularly -- but chew thoroughly or else mash otherwise is it whole bean in whole bean out, the stomach has no teeth.

-- Mitchell Barnes (spanda@inreach.com), November 25, 1999.

Now, now folks. I appreciate all the helpful hints at reducing powerful blasts of bean-induced sphincter trauma, but please note that some of us do appreciate the creative and unusual additions to our sound and olfactory files. In fact, in our home....we grade them.

Yes, it is a tradition begun among brothers that gastro-intestinal outbursts are a competition, not a cultured faux pas. They are graded for originality, decibel level, pungency, hang-time and flavour.

To some that may be offended at such a horrifying display of barbarism, we hide not nature's pressure release valve, but have adopted the philosophy of some cultures that accept a blast of flatulence into the local atmosphere as a compliment to the chef.

We have simply combined what in Western culture may be considered a personal embarrasment, into an adopted compliment to the cook with NACSCAR-level competition. Fuel of course is the key, and my brother and I on this fine day have already ingested early amounts of solid fuel components that when mixed with the latter portions of stuffing, olives and homemade baked beans are sure to engender a fireworks display like no other.

Yes, bring on more beans please - and pass the hard-boiled eggs.

Thank You.

-- INVAR (gundark@sw.net), November 25, 1999.

Gawd! Is Invar coming to Milne's summer party? Bring the videocams with extra hi-fi sound!

-- got clothespins? (hazmat@shield.kit), November 25, 1999.

Uh-ohhh...do farts come with lumps?

-- Norm Harrold (nharrold@tymewyse.com), November 25, 1999.

The original thread:

Beans and Air Quality

-- Wilferd (WilferdW@aol.com), November 25, 1999.

Beans and Air Quality

This should be the 'real' original link....sheesh! Just when ya' think you've got something figured out.....

-- Wilferd (WilferdW@aol.com), November 25, 1999.

INVAR, you do not disappoint! ROTFLMAO!

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), November 26, 1999.

They say everybody is famous for 15 minutes.

Some people get hospital wings dedicated to them. Some get statues.

Greybear gets Fart threads.

I guess it's better than not being remembered at all.

OG, you are STILL the funniest one around. I bow to superior funnyness. Love 'ya girl.

The ONE thing I hope I never lose no matter what the future brings is my sense of humor. There is a case that could be made here for hoping to lose one's sense of smell, but that's another discussion.

-Greybear, who still lurks constantly but doesn't have much to add to the noise level

-- (and of course...) Got Beans?

-- Greybear (greybear@home.com), November 26, 1999.

Thank you for dredging that old thread up. I had missed it, and it had me rolling on the floor and teary eyed. I'm printing it out and taking it to work. :)

-- Bill (billclo@msgbox.com), November 26, 1999.


-- . (Doomers@love.humor), November 21, 2001.

Unlike some we could mention, tee hee.

Here's the thread with a link toThe Old Beans and Air Quality Thread

-- Doomers (HaveASense@of.Humor), May 27, 2002.

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