With all of the heavy talk lately, I thought it was time for something that is particularly silly - so if this turns you off it is time to say goodbye now.

There certainly has been an increase in awareness and also preparation. Many of us are stocking up on the same things too. One thing that stands out is beans. Sacks and sacks of beans. Now, remember the ol' saying about "beans, beans, good for the heart... "

This brings me to a very serious question :) which I have not seen posted - that is: With so many people eating all these here beans, well, what about our air quality - if you know what I mean. Seems to me this whole Y2K thingy already stinks - add in a million cans of digested beans here and a million there, and I think we are looking at The End Of The World As We Smelled It. Yes, TEOTWAWSI. This could have devastating ramifications.

Ponder this a moment. We are talking some Major League Flatulence here, are we not? Consider that some of us may be living in an enclosed area with bean-eaters 'till things 'blow over'. Anyway I look at this it smells. What do you think?

-- Guess Who (ifudontno@i.wontsay), April 06, 1999

Answers

Sounds like Ol' Git to me.....LMAO

Do you think we should look into the effect this will have on the ozone ??

-- WebRNot (webrnot@ncap13k.com), April 06, 1999.

I believe I can address this, for some, distressing problem.

We have been eating what is essentially most peoples planed Y2K diet for several years now. While it is true that a change to a whole new diet will cause some rather interesting effects they are not fatal. (With the exception of one gentleman mentioned some time ago as an honarary mention in the Darwin Awards.)

We have developed a tried and true method of dealing with these ...er... interuptions to our normally convial conversations. I realize that I have been remiss in not mentioning this before now in some of the other threads discussing this subject.

While the odors must be dealt with - you can learn to live with them when necessary. It's amazing what human being can deal with when they HAVE to. The real problem arises from the human relationship department. Blame that is.

Many problems can be avoided as well as thrown objects broken hearts and down right fueds in some cases by developing a system which avoids adjudications and guilt placing. Rember in any well prepared survival situation everyone will be armed - weapons that is, the regular kind. We MUST not let these situation get our of hand.

Therefore, the Greybear patented method for dealing with this problem. The name for the plans is Flatulence Argument and Retrubition Termination. We have worked out the fine points of this system over many years and you are all permitted to use the same procedures.

The F.A.R.T. Procedure is:

Upon gasseous erruption all parties present yell loudly at the dog and place all blame on him.

Now while we know that the dog is not guilty over 50% of the time, we all understand that by common agreement we will all say that the "dog dit it". Even if you know who did, it is best to go along. Your time will come and you will be glad that all the others will agree that the dog did it.

Now go enjoy those beans with a clear mind and peaceful heart.

--Greybear

- Got a Dog?

-- Greybear (greybear@home.com), April 06, 1999.

Greybear,

I KNEW I'D FIND YOU ON THIS THREAD!!!!

From one Flatulator to another.....

It wasn't me.

-- INVAR (gundark@sw.net), April 06, 1999.

An I THAT predictable in my low-bred humor?

I do find it somewhat amusing that so many people (isn't this the 4th or 5th thread on the subject?) find the subject necessary of discussion.

--Greybear, who apparently has become predictable.

- Got Matches?

-- Greybear (greybear@home.com), April 06, 1999.

Not predictable dear friend....just endearing to likeminded lovers of the natural bodily processes.

Hadn't we discussed home defense using Beano instead of .223???

Yes. Beano....the new NAPALM.

-- INVAR (gundark@sw.net), April 06, 1999.

okay so two questions here guys:

1. what is the maximum free methane concentration possible in an enclosed area near an open flame, before a spontaneous detonation occurs? (i.e. a sorta homemade FAE - Fuel Air Explosive so ta speak)

2. what is the minimum safe seating distance to an open flame following a shift (and oh what I almost typed there) to a diet of beans twice every day?

Enquiring minds want to know!

Arlin

-- Arlin H. Adams (ahadams@ix.netcom.com), April 06, 1999.

Last year someone asked me for advice on a good market investment in view of potential Y2k-driven stocking-up. What didn't occur to me then was ... AkPharma Inc. (beano)

-- No Spam Please (No_Spam_Please@anon_ymous.com), April 06, 1999.

I don't know whether beano will become worth its weight in gold, but according to my calculations it's already worth well over its weight in silver.

-- No Spam Please (No_Spam_Please@anon_ymous.com), April 06, 1999.

Beans, beans the musical fruit! The more you eat the more you toot! The more you toot the better it feels, So let's have beans for every meal!

but there is a second verse....

Beans, beans, they're good for your heart......

You finish it.

-- Not Me! (Ican'tresist@writing.com), April 06, 1999.

This is a great flatulence page. Check it out.

Somebody please hotlink.

http://members.tripod.com/~Peter_Zwarts/fart.html

-- smitty (smitty@sandiego.com), April 07, 1999.

Arlin, some answers to your two questions:

1) Depends on the fuel source. For some, just plain beano will do it. For others, a good hot chili will suffice. For many (myself included) the combustible flash-point usually occurs upon a mixture of fuel sources - say chili WITH a six-pack of Schlitz. Boiled cabbage and some hard-boiled eggs could replace the solid fuel boosters on the shuttle, and add some canned Hormel to that mixture and you've got nuclear problems.

Probably the MOST dangerous place for a buttdraft---er I mean BACKdraft is in a car with the windows shut. NEVER, I mean NEVER pop that cigarette lighter in after letting loose with a Pepperjack cheese, root beer and Philly Cheesesteak with extra onion salvo.

Only ashes would remain.

As far as parts-per-million ratio of intestinal build-up to fresh air before combustion-- you might want to check that Federal study granted a few years back with millions of your tax dollars. I think the only conclusion it drew however, was how quickly flatulent cows were destroying the ozone layer.

I know for many, the loud report from a bean-induced howitzer blast is plenty 'nuff to replace that 12 guage. But an angry wife can be deadly after a consumption of Miller and cheese nachos. Beware the shared blanket covering your face about three AM after an oily SBD.

You'll awaken to the sound of your own screams.

SBD's suck all available fresh oxygen out of the atmosphere very quicly and quietly. Also known as the Stealth - it is the most concentrated of flatulent delights - and the most deadly. If you don't spontaneously combust after gassing the elevator patrons - you probably will be nursing a black eye, or cleaning vomit off your shoes.

2) Minimum Safe Distance (or MSD), can usually be measured by the amount of bean or fuel-type intake, multiplied by processing time minus feet to flame source and then divided by pressure. Small cabins with wood-burning stoves after a major bean intake have been known to throw debris more than a mile away, even IF Uncle Al sleeps up in the loft. So don't be fooled by the wive's tale notion that "Heat rises" so put Mr. Blowhard in the Attic. Heat may rise, but a blast of turnip greens, beets, lima beans and cajun chicken will find its way to the basement if that's where you sleep.

MSD might be defined as being in the next county, unless of course your county just hosted its Pork N' Sausage BBQ Picnic - whereareas another state may be safer.

Now if only someone could harness the power within the power of a Schlitz blast....perhaps we'd have plenty of power post Y2K.

Got Immodium?

-- INVAR (gundark@sw.net), April 07, 1999.

You remember when Reagan was visiting the Queen and you saw pictures of them riding in an open carriage? They were having a good conversation, probably about Nancy's new china, when all of a sudden one of the horses broke wind with simply appalling ferocity.

"Oh, my goodness!" said the Queen, "I'm terribly sorry."

"No problem, Your Majesty," answered Reagan politely, "If you hadn't said anything I'd've thought it was the horse."

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), April 07, 1999.

Old Git, I think you've outdone us all.

I bow before superior humor.

--Greybear, who has to be carefull when doing this bowing thing.

- Got Humility?

-- Greybear (greybear@home.com), April 07, 1999.

Sorry, I cheated. One of my moonlighting jobs was stand-up comedy at a British pub in the French Quarter of New Orleans. . . Here's a true story my Dad (from Notts/Yorks) likes to tell. I remember it from being a small girl so you KNOW it's old.

Well, there I was in Worksop, waiting for t'bus in t'queue wi' all t'shoppers, an' it were late. I 'ad to fart ever so bad and I were clenchin' me muscles and pinchin' me cheeks together. Then t'bus arrived an' we got on, an' I were never so relieved in all me life. I get on t'bus and sits dahn, and look for t'bus driver to get in 'is cab. There 'e was! Oh, not long nah, thank God! So 'e started up 'engine--yer know 'ow lovely and loud them bus engines are--and I let loose. Except just at that moment, t'bloody engine stalled.

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), April 07, 1999.

Ever notice this one? You're in an empty place (supermarket aisle, office, hallway, etc.) You must break wind and determine it to be socially acceptable at the moment. After doing so, IMMEDIATELY someone will walk up to you. True?

There is no safe place.

-- Gearhead (2plus2@motown2.com), April 07, 1999.

You guys are too much ROFL. I'm wiping the tears from my eyes.(just thinking about it) At least we're easily entertained. (who needs Miami Vice re-runs) Schlitz however is a deadly weapon !(nothing to joke about)

-- WebRNot (webrnot@ncap13k.com), April 07, 1999.

I haven't laughed this hard in AGES!!! Tears rolling down my cheeks, yet!

We have two dogs, does that mean we have double amnesty?

We also have one cat (out of many) who carries a certain air about him, especially after he has hopped up onto the bed. Used to go by the name of Cricket (all the hopping), now goes by the name of Pooter (you guessed it!).

-- Arewyn (nordic@northnet.net), April 07, 1999.

I thought we were beginning to stray from the purpose of the forum until I saw Arewyn's cat's name. When Arewyn calls the cat, it's "Come, Pooter." Vwahlah--we're back on topic!

-- Don (whytocay@hotmail.com), April 07, 1999.

Humor,

It's what the doctor ordered.

Just watch out for the rubber gloves and Vaseline.

-- INVAR (gundark@sw.net), April 07, 1999.

YOU GUYS ARE ALL A BUNCH OF OLD FARTS!

-- fartsky (fartsky@y2kprepared.com), April 07, 1999.

I can't believe that none of you guys have guessed correctly!

-- Guess Who (ifudontno@i.stillwontsay), April 07, 1999.

For those of you who might have missed it on the 100,000 Matches" thread, here is a link to some excellent background information and technical details plus some actual examples.

Mr. Methane

-- Hardliner (searcher@internet.com), April 08, 1999.

Oh, thanks, Hardliner, I was wondering if you were going to post that link! Please, please, ya'll, check it out! You'll never hear the Blue Danube again without cracking up!

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), April 08, 1999.

there's only one word for that site: exhaustive!

-- Arlin H. Adams (ahadams@ix.netcom.com), April 08, 1999.

Is is Monsieur Rob Michaels?

-- Lisa (prize@take.bourbon), April 08, 1999.

Lisa: You get the Cookie! Congrats, Rob.

-- Rob guess who Michaels (sonofdust@com.net), April 08, 1999.

Well where I come from, the rule is: He Who Smelt It, Dealt It! (our dogs are included and follow the rule!)

-- Hardliner (searcher@internet.com), April 08, 1999.

FM, I believe this is the thread you were looking for. It's still very funny so I've kicked it back to the top.

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), April 26, 1999.

Thanks Old Git! Vulgar but hilarious. Where did you find it? (How was it categorized? Under "Fallback planning?")

:)

-- FM (vidprof@aol.com), April 26, 1999.

Rob Michaels (Guess Who) puts most of his threads in the misc category. That is probably where this one is too.

-- (helpful@lurking.now), April 26, 1999.

OKAY - NEXT TOPIC : Improvised methods for assisting all of those folks who bought half a ton of MREs, without understanding that most MREs contain virtually no fibre... a.k.a.: WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH!

-- Arlin H. Adams (ahadams@ix.netcom.com), April 26, 1999.

I guess I could look up the growing of psyllium (although there's plenty of psylliness around here), or flax seed. On the other hand, maybe MRE stockpilers could also stockpile Metamucil. Could get something going here. We've got a Fruitcake Movement, why not a Bowel Movement?

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), April 26, 1999.

This has been fun. BUT YOU FORGOT THE PICKLED EGGS!!

-- && (&&@&&.com), April 27, 1999.

For MRE lovers, I recommend that ol' standby, prune juice. Try this (sung to the tune of "Wild Thing")

Prune juice...... you make my bowels loose.... you send everyting.... through me...... prune juice...... I think you..... MOVE meee..

-- Morgan (morgan96@netscape.net), April 27, 1999.

This has to be one of the funniest threads we've had, can't believe it's been buried in the bowels of the forum for two months. Time for it to break loose again.

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), June 26, 1999.

Back to the top w' ya!

-- Johnny Fartpants (whocut@the.cheese), June 28, 1999.

Sheesh! Stop by for 5 minutes and see this old thread in recent answers! It reminds that I owe Lisa, who guessed that it was yours truly that started this silly thread, a prize. Although I said Lisa that you get the cookie, I see you like bourbon, so how about me giving you a bourbon-soaked FRLian fruitcake (the ultimate honor I think)... would you accept that?

BTW, whoever posted that I categorize my threads in the Misc. Section is correct. Even the stinky ones :)

-- Rob Michaels (sonofdust@net.com), June 28, 1999.

up to the top agin

-- (tee@hee.hee), October 18, 1999.

I still say some of the funniest posts in the entire history of this forum are on this thread--the long limerick, Invar's fart menus--oh, so choice!

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), October 18, 1999.

Sheesh! You never know what you'll find active anymore!

Old Git: Stop calling my thread funny! I was serious despite the title :)

Lisa: Since you were the one to guess correctly I need a response about the prize. Do you accept the bourbon-soaked fruitcake?

Sysops: Since some folks think this thread is funny, maybe you should reclassify it to the new Humor category. Just a thought.

-- Rob Michaels (sonofdust@not.funny), October 18, 1999.

Greybear I didn't think you were funny at all...

Why are the humans yelling and pointing at me?

watchin' the boy eat...

The Dog

-- Dog (Desert Dog@-sand.com), October 18, 1999.

Well, Dog, I guess from my experience dogs in general can take it.

In on instance when I was young we had a small dog who had been yelled at so many times after someone "erupted" that any time any one did the deed she would jump up and run out of the room before anoyine had a chance to yell.

After 10 minutes or so she would sneak back in. It never seemed to bother her in the long run. Maybe just one more way in which dogs are mans best friend.

-Greybear

-- Got TP?

-- Greybear (greybear@home.com), October 18, 1999.

Why blame the dog when you have a spouse right there?

Ask the wife. Nothing beats "Breaking The Ice" at a stiff dinner party than having the wife exclaim your name aloud in mock-shock after she lets fly a decibel brapping report upon an evening of Tamale Pie, pickled eggs and fresh homemade cole-slaw.

Done proudly astride a hardwood oak stool for maximum audibility mind you.

Truly a way to "warm-up" a cold crowd, and flush my cheeks with embarrasment as well.

What can one say in such a situation but "Compliments to the chef!"?

Wives are truly devious.

-- INVAR (gundark@sw.net), October 18, 1999.

Youz guyz are too much. ROTFL.

Any way you cut it it stinks, and we are looking at TEOTWAWSI like the original post says! BTW, who makes Gas-x and Beano? Are they publicy help companies?

-- (sonofdust@rotfl.lol), October 18, 1999.

Perhaps. But in this day and age, I would imagine the military would profit from more practical use of Lentil Lovers than let our own natural American Bio-weapons units go to waste because we demanded Gas-X to avoid offending Martha Stewart.

My guess is that Martha's vulnerable to turnips. Do you suppose she prefers letting turnip vapor fly in the tufted pillowback rocker or the Mohagany bench in the foyer?

-- INVAR (gundark@sw.net), October 18, 1999.

Who's Martha Stewart? :) Ok, ok, Let's go to the videotape - of some of her shows, or we can check out some of her magazines, or the book, or... No wonder its TEOTW!

-- (sonofdust@martha.stewart), October 18, 1999.

Rob's (hic) been in the jiggle juice

-- wiggle (wait@guests.leave.aahhhh), October 18, 1999.

.

So who needs beans, huh?

Any starch'll do it for me

Where did that cat go?

.

(When you don't have a dog, a cat will work too.)

-- T the C (tricia_canuck@hotmail.com), October 19, 1999.

One of our cats is named Christmas Money (cos that's what it took to get him in shape when we found him) but he could easily be renamed "Nobeano." He's the only cat I've ever known who makes a human-like sound when he expels wind. We've had him for five years now and I STILL giggle when I hear him.

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), October 19, 1999.

Rob, want the bourbon straight up with a fruitcake chaser. Thanks, bud.

-- lisa (lisa@work.now), October 19, 1999.

Thank goodness someone resurrected this post.

Greybear, very good to see you.

Sent this to my wife, who says the ONLY thing I've done in the way of Y2K preps that went "overboard" was to buy, well, *several* buckets of beans........

-- mushroom (mushroom_bs_too_long@yahoo.com), October 19, 1999.

Thanks, mushroom.

Greybear lurks.

There just isn't that much happening worth commenting on anymore.

Of course a bean thread will almost always need comment.

-Greybear

-- Got Rice?

-- Greybear (greybear@home.com), October 19, 1999.

I think it's time for a mention of my favorite herb, epazote. Epazote is used by Mexican cooks to neutralize the notorious anti-social effects of beans, made famous in the movie "Blazing Saddles.". It grows very easily (here in Durham, anyway) and self-seeds readily. Just a couple of leaves in a pot of beans will suffice. The flavor is subtle and will not be noticed. Seeds are available at richters.com--click on catalogue, use easy search engine.

EPAZOTE - Chenopodium ambrosioides, Annual. Uses: culinary medicinal. (Wormseed) Strong scented foliage highly esteemed in Mexico and Guatemala for seasoning corn, black beans, mushrooms, fish and shellfish. Wormseed oil is frequently prescribed to expel intestinal parasites. Prices are US$.

S2350 - Seed Packet, $1.22/pkt

S2350 - Bulk Seeds, $7.00/10g, $42.00/100g, $252.00/1000g

Disclaimers: I am not a shill for Richters; Richters has been in business for yonks and is not a Y2K-specific company; as far as I know, Richters has never been acccused by anyone of exploiting the gullible or anyone else, and has not caused suicide, divorce, bankrupcty, or even a disagreement; epazote is Y2K-ready and compliant; Ed Yourdon has no interest in Richters (and, no insult intended, I don't think Richters is interested in Ed); I am not a doctor and do not play one on this forum; I am not responsible for any untoward results occuring from ingestion of epazote, in fact, I am considered by some to fall into the category of "not responsible for own actions," let alone anyone else's. Any disclaimer protecting me from having my butt sued is hereby invoked and included herein as if fully transcribed. So there.

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), October 19, 1999.

Do not ingest epazote if you are pregnant or trying to get pregnant.

(just trying to keep ya outta court, Git :))

-- lisa (lisa@work.now), October 19, 1999.

One thing that was missed was my favorite way of keeping the spouse warm. It's called:

"The Dutch Oven-Blanket Job"

This consists of crawling into bed with your significant other. Once firmly ensconced b'twix the sheets, cut a nice, warm SBD and quickly, either pull the sheets over his/her head, and hold said significant other under the sheets and blankets, allowing them to "savor the flavor". Avoid letting loose a loud flatulent nasty, as this will give away the game.

-- The Gas Master (Stinkin'@upthe.Bed), October 19, 1999.

No, no, no...forbid we not omitting the heinous and devious of all spousal abuses Gas Master!

My horrifying memories of such inhumane torture were encapsulated in the reply back in April to Arlin Adams on fuel intake to combustion ratios.

Nothing turns me white faster than the mental odor and memory of that fateful night when I awoke to my own screams after the comforter was gently placed over my head by the loving wife (the dainty buttercup she is), and inflated with the combustible remnants of chili-cheese nachos and a sixer of Miller.

It was so foul, I could literally taste it.

I have appealed to the terms of the Geneva Convention accords for War Crimes against the wife.

They replied with; "All is fair in love and marriage."

I now sleep with gas mask at the ready, and Miller is Verbotten in my home. Unfortunately, cans of Hormel are stored like so much ammo in the Larder.

Which makes me behave lest she entreats me again.

The horror....the horror......

-- INVAR (gundark@sw.net), October 19, 1999.

top, top

-- fartsky (and@clutch.xxx), October 20, 1999.

i have it on good authority that the following is the Official List of Farts

A Fizz

A Fuzz

A Poot

A tallyhoot

A tear-ass rattle

A company blower

And a Sunday Squeak

-- andrea (mebsmebs@hotmail.com), October 20, 1999.

Official list?

No my darling, the following I believe is a more complete list of the aromatic delights the Good Lord has blessed (or cursed) mankind with creating:

The Put - Decibel Rating: 1

Also known as the boop or "poot". This is basically a baby fart. Its a quick airy burst with a light almost sweet aroma that delights the farter and simply wrinkles a nose here and there. Usually gets a snicker.

The Fart Decibel level:2-3

Classic. No better name than the way this one sounds: f-a-a-r-r-t. Not too loud, but readily heard by anyone standing next to you. Pretty much a combo of pooters in a quick succession. Satisfying yet smelly.

The Rip Decibel level:3-6

This ones an award winner. Its a loud high pressure blast that revs up to a staccato finish several notes higher than when it started. Usually coincides with vinyl seats while in a car or crowded restaurant. Can last from 3 to 10 seconds. This classic fart will clear a room before anyone can appreciate its bouquet.

The Vibrator Decibel level: 1 or less

This one is felt more than heard. Usually is a combo of either a fart or rip that is muffled by seat cushions or perfectly airlocked cheeks on benches and hard surfaces. Instantly recognized by horrified dinner guests sharing your booth.

After dinner mint anyone?

The Heater Decibel level:1-6

This one is an afterburner. Very hot. Raises the temperature in your pants by about fifty degrees and leaves your sphincter crying for burn cream. Known to melt pantyhose. A versatile fart that sometimes even appears with Howitzers. Heaters are usually pungent and foul in the odor category and must be considered dangerous.

SBD Decibel Level: Silent

The most repected and feared of all gastro-intestinal weaponry. Silent But Deadly farts can kill. Period. Pungent and foul, these quiet creepers whither nasal membranes and water the eyes. Instant gag reflex is common and some are so vile you can even taste them. A perfect weapon for spousal revenge. Beware the SBD.

The Howitzer Decibel Level: 5-10

The king of colossal farts. A royal trumpet and tuba blast that is loud and obnoxious. These thundering behemoths are perfect supermarket fare and will readily win applause and gasps from friends and co-workers alike. Many a discharged Howitzer causes the perp to check their behinds to see if holes have been blown clean thru their seats. Truly the most pleasing to any award-seeking fartster, and almost always an instant and horrified laugh from your victims. Crowded elevators are not recommended for this type of expression however. Howitzers are extremely flammable and childish experimentation with lighters can be fatal to your health....or anyone down-wind from you. Good Natural Y2K defensive weapon. (See Chili-cheese nachos and beer ammunition.)

The Juicer Decibel level:1-2

Also known as the wet one. This surprise package is the most dreaded by any fartster. Preceded by cramps, you expect a heater and get a juicy addition to your underwear.

Blot, dont wipe.

Then there are the fuel-type categories ala: Beer fart....but that is for another ressurection of this thread when the news is so bleak and depressing....I could just fart.

-- INVAR (gundark@sw.net), October 20, 1999.

INVAR, you are truly the flatulence expert. But you forgot The Bubbler. The Bubbler is known to anyone who has ever soaked in a steaming bath or hot tub. Its strength could be a Put or Howitzer, depending on circumstances; therefore it is impossible to provide an accurate description and count of the bubbles produced or the intensity and texture of the emission.

An interesting combination can be enjoyed by ingesting TVP chili (with beans, of course) plus a side of coleslaw, then soaking in a lavender-scented tub. The combination of chili, cabbage and lavender creates a bouquet of mischievous yet romantic character, much savored by connoissewers. Er, connoisseurs. If kimchee or pickled eggs are substituted for coleslaw, then the ranking of Howitzer can easily be upgraded to The Old German 88s. The muffling effect of the water is countered somewhat by the cast iron of the tub suspended in empty space and produces a satisfying crump. (One can always explain it as "air in the pipes again" if inquiry is made.) Fiberglass is not nearly as good as cast iron.

Except for this one small emissionn--that is, omission, your ranking are obviously the product of much thought and not just hot air. Well done!

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), October 20, 1999.

INVAR, you are truly the flatulence expert. But you forgot The Bubbler. The Bubbler is known to anyone who has ever soaked in a steaming bath or hot tub. Its strength could be a Put or Howitzer, depending on circumstances; therefore it is impossible to provide an accurate description and count of the bubbles produced or the intensity and texture of the emission.

An interesting combination can be enjoyed by ingesting TVP chili (with beans, of course) plus a side of coleslaw, then soaking in a lavender-scented tub. The combination of chili, cabbage and lavender creates a bouquet of mischievous yet romantic character, much savored by connoissewers. Er, connoisseurs. If kimchee or pickled eggs are substituted for coleslaw, then the ranking of Howitzer can easily be upgraded to The Old German 88s. The muffling effect of the water is countered somewhat by the cast iron of the tub suspended in empty space and produces a satisfying crump. (One can always explain it as "air in the pipes again" if inquiry is made.) Fiberglass is not nearly as good as cast iron.

Except for this one small emission--that is, omission, your ranking are obviously the product of much thought and not just hot air. Well done!

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), October 20, 1999.

That was sooo good Old Git, that it had to be posted twice!

Thank you for making note my eggregious error of omission of the most fun and treasured of all fartcapades, enjoyed by young and old alike.

The Bubbler, yes. Many a torpedoed plastic boat in my youth I can assure you! Also one of the most concentrated forms in which to experience the olfactory delights residing in your colon.

Thanks old Git....for the burst of laughter, still wiping tears from the eyes...

...and no, it wasn't me.

He who smelt it, delt it.

-- INVAR (gundark@sw.net), October 20, 1999.

Excellent diversion from the all-too-serious discussions.

It's nice to know we're all human. Even the dog.

-- FLATyuLent (zippos@ndchili.boom), October 21, 1999.

Marriage.... a licence to fart at will...

-- Wind-in-his-pants (prrrrrrfffffffftttttt@excuse.me!), November 10, 1999.

The much maligned flatus is actually a usefull tool for determining the level of intimacy/closeness early on in a relationship.

When I first started "knowing" my lover in the "biblical sense" it was weeks before X ever cut one in my presence despite having spent long weekends together and having consumed my home-cooked real Mexican food. I thought something was wrong with X. Turns out X just was holding back so as not to scare me off. Now that we're more comfortable with each other we both flagrantly(fragrantly) flatulate. The next hurdle will be to see if X will go to the store and purchase feminine sanitary supplies for me.

-- Amiga de Peto (glutealgale@pullmyfinger.com), November 16, 1999.

This old thread still going? Sheesh!

Hi Amiga. Sounds like you both have plenty of what it takes :)

tenga cuidado!

-- (sonofdust@Rob.Michaels), November 16, 1999.

From the Darwin Awards page:

The Last Supper

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man killed by his own gas. There were no marks found on his body, but an autopsy revealed the presence of large amounts of methane dissolved in his blood. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage, just the right combination of foods to produce a severe gas attack. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had his windows been open, the flatulence wouldn't have been fatal, but the man was shut up in a nearly airtight bedroom. He was an obese man with an unlimited capacity for creating the deadly gas. Three rescuers became sick and one was hospitalized.

No need for a Dutch-Oven Blanket job here!

-- Morgan (morgan96@netscape.net), November 17, 1999.

this need's to go UP.

-- LOL (18d@ys.to go), December 12, 1999.

What a great thread! ROTFLMAO!

-- Still Funny (AfterAll@These.Years), May 27, 2002.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

These are great!

Come over and contribute at www.dumpyboard.com!

-- The Dumpster (dumpyboard@yahoo.com), March 13, 2003.