Is it wrong to go against my parents wishesgreenspun.com : LUSENET : Catholic : One Thread
HI, I've been dating a wonderful and great guy for 6 months now, but my parents don't know about him. I'm 25, and my parents have been very strict with me. This is the first guy that I have actually dated. I tried telling my parents about him when we first started going out, but they do not approve of me going out with him. The problem that they have with him is that he is hispanic, and I'm white. They do not approve of mixed race couples. I have done a lot of praying and searching for God to lead me to do what is right. My boyfriend and I are both Catholic, and we have often attended church together. I am actually his sponsor right now for RCIA, he was baptized but never received the sacraments of Communion and confirmation. Which he wants to do now. I tried breaking up with him when my parents told me that they did not approve, but it was hard. I was hurting and he was hurting, so instead I have continued seeing him, because I do not believe what my parents believe on this subject. I believe that God made all of us, and we all came from Adam and Eve, so I don't understand what is so wrong with interracial couples. My boyfriend and I have known each other for a couple of years now, and we both love each other with all of our heart and soul. I'm questioning though that since my parents do not approve, is it a sin, and going against God, to continue seeing my boyfriend, and for lying to my parents. I recently told them that I'm seeing him though, and they barely talk to me now. The commandment of honor and obey my parents, does that come into play here? I really love this guy, but I also love God, and I want to do what is right in His eyes. I was hoping that someone will have some insight into this and provide some help as far as the Church is concerned.
Searching for answers, eneleh
-- eneleh (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 14, 2005
Your desire to honor your parents in this is amazing and an unusually powerful virtue, however, it's unnecessary. You are 25 and no longer have to obey your parents. There's a difference between honor and obey. We have to honor them forever to keep the Lord's commandment, but we don't have to obey. Honor means to respect and to treat them well at all times. Be honest with them as you now have and stand firm by insisting that they accept your boyfriend as he is. Their racial bias (bigotry) is a sin. There is nothing wrong about mixed race couples. As long as you are both chaste (no sex) until (if) you get married, then stop worrying about committing a sin by dating him. God created both of you equal. Tell your parents that.
-- non-Catholic Christian (email@example.com), January 14, 2005.
David's advice is correct. You aren't doing anything God will be offended by. Keep in mind your conscience must be clear every day; whether with the boyfriend or with your folks. You owe your parents even deeper respect than the usual, because they're thinking of your well-being and your future happiness. make it plain to them how you appreciate it.
I'm amused by your point of view; you're being ''white'' and he is hispanic. Is he of the yaqui or Aztec race? (I'm hispanic caucasian, what you'd call ''white''.) Here's something even funnier:
Your fiance's own family might find you, the ''Gringa'', just as unfavorable for their son as your parents find him. The long-standing objection amongst Mexicans is, white American girls are not always faithful to their husbands. They love luxuries, they are too rebellious. It can only lead to divorce. They'll bring up the children to forget them, just because they're Mexicans. They can't be trusted, as your own people can.
Many stereotypes exist; the great majority false. (Some happen to be true. White girls often fall back on one solution, when problems arise: Divorce. Whereas, a majority of hispanic wives will be true to their marriage vows; NOT ALL, but a majority.)
Since both of you want to be faithful to God, and you're a practicing Catholic, these matters can be overlooked. If you truly love one another. The day will surely come when even the parents will rejoice for you. Most of all when they fall in love themselves--with their grandchildren! Because love conquers all! God bless you, Ciao and good luck--
-- eugene c. chavez (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 14, 2005.
Thank you David and Eugene, I do understand that there are many sterotypes that exist out there. But I think I am an exception to that as well. When I think of marrying my boyfriend, I mean to marry him for the rest of my life. I dont want anyone else, I know there will be problems, but I want to handle those with him and God. I can't dream of ever thinking I would ever want a divorce. I was brought up with the belief that marriage is a union between a man and woman and God. This union is not meant to be broken, and I dont think I could ever go through with a divorce or think about that. I'm not actually sure which background my boyfriend is from, all I know right now is that his family is from Mexico. I appreciate that my parents are concerned for me and only want the best for me, which is why I'm questioning things now. I have always listened to them, although sometimes I don't believe the same as they do. I try to always obey their wishes, but now that I'm older, this is my life to live now. I want their approval, but if that doesn't come, I want to know that I will have the approval of the Church and God. Faith is a major role in my life and just want to keep my relationship with God as strong as it can be, and I don't want to go against His word. Thank you again.
-- eneleh (email@example.com), January 14, 2005.
I just wanted to join in this response to commend you for being such a considerate daughter. Even though you already know that your parents viewpoint is incorrect, you are very concerned about how they feel..and you should be, because they are your parents.
It has been my experience, after many years of living, that people who are the most vocal about racial issues are those who truly do not know anyone of another race in any kind of an intimate way. They perhaps have "heard this" or "read that", and based upon some misguided or incorrect information have made decisions.
My own mother refused to attend the wedding of my daughter because our son-in-law was Black. Had she ever actually known anyone who was a person of color? No. Had she met the young man herself and didn't like him? No. Had she ever in her entire life had any personal experiences which caused her to dislike people of color? No. Mother's stance was that marriage between the races was full of "problems" and she wanted nothing to do with the wedding. We gently pointed out to her that the ONLY reason there would be any problems was people such as herself..LOL..she didn't see the irony.
I am blessed that my children all love and honor me despite my failings as a human being. It is good that you can tell the difference between honoring your parents, and discerning their human failings..
When you marry your beloved in the Church, you both will receive such wonderful grace to assist you to live as such a loving Catholic couple that perhaps your parents will come to see that they were very mistaken. God's grace may then be extended to them, and their hearts may open up.
-- Lesley (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 14, 2005.