I am a 35-year-old practicing Catholic who entered communion with the Church eight years ago (I was not raised in any church). At the time, I was divorced and raising my 7-year-old daughter. She'll be 16 this year, and I'm still raising her with very little contact with her mother who lives in a distant city. I've also been dating a non-Catholic woman for about seven years, and we would both like to marry, I think...

BUT, I'm not interested in raising more children in the near future--thus our seven-year courtship. As we've been discussing the possibility of marriage lately, I've become quite aware of the potential conflict between my feelings and Church doctrine. I feel that marriage should be an expression to our community and family of our commitment to one another (an intention that we shall grow old together, and take care of one another, et cetera). And I'm not entirely opposed to ever raising children again...I'm just sure that I don't want to be doing that now. I'm also not willing to make promises or take vows I don't mean to keep. I won't lie to a priest about any of this just to get the ceremony performed.

My potential spouse, as a non-Catholic, feels none of this conflict, and is similarly disposed toward children (maybe someday, but not now). Also note, as a non-Catholic, this is not an academic question for her, since her church professes no prohibition regarding birth control. She does, however, feel some conflict over entering a mixed marriage at all (she has no interest in converting and I'm staying Catholic)--but here we are, after seven years, pondering these difficult questions.

If this is to happen, I have to resolve my feelings about "starting a family," and we also have to figure out how our interfaith marriage would work. One thing that could help me tremendously would be some thoughtful insight regarding the relationship between marriage and child-rearing. Is there really no justification for a couple marrying other than to raise children? Or, more pointedly, does the Church admit no other justification?

--conflicted

-- conflicted (unspam23@hotmail.com), November 08, 2004

Answers

bump

-- (bump@bump.bump), November 08, 2004.

so when catholics marry, they must have children together?

-- nathan de winter (de_nathan_winter@hotmail.com), November 09, 2004.

They must be open to the possibility of children if that is God's will for them, and they so promise during the wedding ceremony. Failure to make that promise sincerely can invalidate the marriage, since it demonstrates either a fundamental lack of understanding of what marriage is, or an unwillingness to accept all that marriage is.

-- Paul M. (PaulCyp@cox.net), November 09, 2004.

so...if i get this right

love between a man and a women is not considered as love by the church if they don't want to have children?

-- nathan de winter (de_nathan_winter@hotmail.com), November 09, 2004.

Paul, thank you for your response. I should disclose that my parish priest has told me substantially the same thing. But I'm not sure what it means in my life, or what I should do with it.

I had my daughter when I was 19 years old, and think I have a realistic idea of what would be responsible in my life now. I don't think I should be having another child in the next 2, or maybe 3 years (I'm not going into all the reasons for brevity's sake). I know I've messed this up myself by living my life out of order, and I'm trying to chart a course forward that makes sense. That's what I've been doing for the last decade or so. In that decade, I've come to the Catholic faith, and I've met a woman I care about and with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. And I really mean it when I say I'm not opposed to ever having children again.

After seven years, however, I'm finding it progressively more difficult to realistically suggest that we keep waiting for our circumstances to change before we can marry. Obviously, anyone paying attention will note that there are other issues lurking in my story (note the words "divorce," "daughter," and "birth-control" in my original question), but I'm trying to answer this specific question before tackling the others.

So, given what I've said so far, I wonder whether I'm "open to the possibility of children if that is God's will," such that I could make that promise? Clearly, some Catholics marry without intending to have children... but openess is a separate question. What are the contours of that distinction? How do I place myself and my girlfriend in relation to all of this?

p.s. Nathan, I think it is fair to recognize a distinction between "love between a man and a woman" and the sacrament of marriage. Conflating the two isn't particularly useful. I'm sincerely trying to understand both God's will for my life and the Church's doctrine in this area.

-- conflicted (unspam23@hotmail.com), November 09, 2004.

and if i want the spend the rest of my life with someone but i don't want to have children?

why should that be wrong?

it is my choice

-- nathan de winter (de_nathan_winter@hotmail.com), November 09, 2004.

yeah nathan is right

maybe the church should more care about the poor,homeless,sick and hungry children who are alive instead of demanding of married ppl to have kids

don't you think so?

-- Anonymous (anarchy_inthe_bedroom@hotmail.com), November 10, 2004.

anonymous,

The catholic church is the largest single supporter for the impovershed around the world. clean the plank from your eye before you harp on a speck of sawdust.

Nathan,

Yes, that would be wrong. marraige isnt about you and your spouse, its about you two AND God. Marraige, therefore is partially prescribed to be reproductive if possible. this does not mean that you MUST concieve, but rather that all sexual relations must be open to conception, and no child EVER aborted.

-- paul h (dontSendMeMail@notAnAddress.com), November 10, 2004.

with all respect,the actions of the catholic church are not very effective and can't change a thing when a whole system doesn't work

don't give ppl a fish,but learn them how to catch a fish ...

-- anti-bushhhh (hahahaha@hahahaha.com), November 10, 2004.

i see now why less and less young ppl don't care about 'god' and choose for a life without religion...

-- Anonymous (anarchy_inthe_bedroom@hotmail.com), November 10, 2004.

Because more and more young people are growing up essentially selfish and with no sense of moral obligation whatsoever. Their only criterion for choosing their actions is I WANT IT and I want it NOW. And some adults are not much better. If that is your life ethic, it stands to reason you won't want any part of a Church which constantly calls you to truth and responsibility.

-- Paul M. (PaulCyp@cox.net), November 10, 2004.

Young people don't see much examples in you religious adults that they can relate to,that's the problem i think

They take distance from God just because some people are being to fanatic about religion and too conservative

I know that many people of all religions interpret many things that are written in their religious book to literally;many rules and commandments are only suitable in the frame of that particular society in that particular age,we can't go live back in a world as it was 1200 years before Christ;

We should all focus more on the essential things of our religions and teachings and learn to apply them in our daily lives

-- Superjew (...@....com), November 13, 2004.

Morality never changes. What was immoral 2,000 years ago is still immoral today, and will be immoral until the end of time. God never contradicts Himself. Certain acts are not immoral because the Church teaches that they are. The Church teaches that certain acts are immoral because they are.

-- Paul M. (PaulCyp@cox.net), November 13, 2004.

i wasn't talking about morality,i was talking about commandments

for example in the Thora and the Christian Old Testament it is written that everyone who will hit their parents will be punished with death penalty...

how can we adopt something like that in our present-day society?

-- Superjew (...@....com), November 13, 2004.

Conflicted, the Church is not against "birthcontrol" and you and your wife deciding how many or even not having children right away. What the church teaches against is artificial contraceptives. There are many faithful Catholics that practice "birthcontrol" in the form of natural family planning or NFP. One misconception about the Church is that they want you to have more children than you can afford to have and that isn't true. You simply must be open to the idea of children. Have a good day !

Thanks and glory be to God!

-- Suzanne (james-betsy@sbcglobal.net), November 13, 2004.

and what the hell is wrong with artificial contraceptives?

how do you think we have to avoid std's?

-- Anonymous (you_are_an_idiot@the_pope_iz_gay.com), November 18, 2004.