Bringing up the past in a present relationship : LUSENET : Catholic : One Thread


I have a question regarding relationships and the past. It involves bringing up the past with new relationships. I have been thinking about the future concerning courtship and marriage, once I meet the beautiful Catholic woman God desires me to find. The thing is, though I am a strong Catholic now, I fell into premarital sin in my last relationship which has scarred my very being substantially. I am reminded by 'flashbacks' of these events that I deeply regret, the most being the loss of my sacred and holy virginity. The thing is, though I pledge a pure 2nd virginity, I have thought of my future spouse. If my future spouse is a pure and spotless virgin, and I have these memories and past faults, should I or how should I bring it up to her? I know the feeling of knowing that the other person sinned premaritally before you, and it is hard to deal with. I don't want my future wife to feel hurt because I screwed up and changed, but I don't want to conceal anything from her either. I am asking whether I should just refrain from telling her unless asked, or whatever you think I should do. The thing I don't especially want it to get into a married situation, tell her, and have her just doubt me and feel completely shattered. Could you help me out, and please pray for my personal healing in Christ? Thank you ever so much

-- Paul Johnson (, July 16, 2004



-- Joe Driscoll (, July 16, 2004.

I would refrain from telling her unless asked. If the time is right to tell her you will know it. Many times our past should remain where they are..behind us. I know when I started dating DH again (we dated in high school) I felt compelled to tell him all, which now I know I shouldn't have. Not that he told me I shouldn't of, but know it really didn't matter. Who I was at the time mattered not my past mistakes. Stay the person you have vowed to be and your future wife will know she has a gem without you having to tell her. Praying for you.

God Bless.

-- jalapeno (, July 16, 2004.


"...once I meet the..."

You didn't even meet the Lady yet. Don't be to hard on your self. Try not to worry about this. You could die in a car accident next week.(God forbid)

Keep praying and trust in Gods mercy. Jesus died for you. He loves you.

-- - (, July 16, 2004.


Really, Everything posted above makes sense. You will know when to have a heart to heart. It will be real clear.

-- Jim Furst (, July 16, 2004.

Among all the egregious expressions we hear today, ''relationships'' is a dilly.

Once this was called ''having an affair''. Or, sleeping around.

You should face the bare truth if you've been an adulterer. If you now have a intentions of marrying, definitely do NOT inform a potential spouse of an adulterous background. You have an obligation before GOD only; confess them to your priest and resolve to end all ''relationships'' which were sins. You have no obligation to confess the same sins to your intended wife. Nor should you ask her to reveal what she has confessed in the sacrament of reconciliation.

The main obligation you both face is to end every so-called relationship. There is no such thing. Either you had sex out of marriage, a sin;

Or you married your spouse. Not a sin. We shouldn't sugar-coat the sin of adultery.

-- eugene c. chavez (, July 17, 2004.

eugene, thought you should know, though it doesnt really change your post... that adultery is sex with a person other than the husband or wife that one is married to. in this case, since there is no marraige whatsoever the act in question is fornication, not adultery.

i am unsure, however, how to answer the original question. it is not appropriate for a would be wife to require confession from her future husband for past greivances which have been laid to rest, and yet, the question remains: does the future husband bear better fruit by full and honest disclosure with his would be wife if the lack thereof could harm the relationship (or, if said disclosure would render the wedding impossible, in which case it would be null and prime suspect for an annulment case).

i have not yet arrived at a conclusion, but perhaps the fact that failure to disclose relevant information could render the marraige null will cause others to rethink what appear to be somewhat hasty answers.

-- paul h (, July 17, 2004.

Think then, about it more carefully. Sin is what God judges offensive. A sinner can repent and be absolved by the Church. Let it rest there; God's mercy doesn't depend on what you confess to your spouse. Human beings aren't able always to forgive. Past sins are forgiven; you cannot add to any forgiveness from God. That would be superfluous. By volunteering taudry information to our spouse, we only forget about God's mercy toward us. His mercy is set aside while we implore another human being's forgiveness. That human being (spouse) is not perfect, like God is. She/he may be hurt learning of your past sins. She isn't God; who calls us to repentence and offers us eternal forgiveness and life. Do not place that person in temptation.

-- eugene c. chavez (, July 17, 2004.

Hi, Paul

"...i have not yet arrived at a conclusion but perhaps the fact that the failure to disclose relevant...."

Paul we are all sinners. One is not required to talk of having sex if, what how, who.......???.

I didn't post in "haste". If one has made their peace with God in the Confession than the buck stops there Unless of cource someone wanted to talk of whatever????

Knock yourself out when you get married one day! This is your right.

But you are living in a "pipe dream" if you think failure to disclose having sex previous can"render the marriage null". Can you show me different guy?

God bless you little paul.

-- - (, July 17, 2004.

Thanks for your input. I realize that unless I am asked by her, than its probably not prudent to suddenly bring it up. I am just also concerned that it might be on my mind during final courtship or immediately after; the scrupulosity that thinks like "would she have reconsidered if I told her what happened to me?" That is something I have to deal with, and any input about this would be great.

-- Paul Johnson (, July 18, 2004.

Why would you prescribe secrecy is beyond me. If at all, the proper understanding and communication needs to be had in a happy marriage. For deeper, reasoned analysis of why adultery or sex before marriage is bad, read: a snippet: "Hindus know that the sexual force is an energy either in control or out of control. When controlled, it creates peace, well-being and health and provides a mental, emotional, physical balance. When out of control, just the opposite is the case: confusion, secrecy, stress, fear of discovery, lingering guilt and suppressed anger, which creates misunderstandings and unresolvable situations."

Would you rather that she finds out from someone else about your unsavory past? I would say, you don't have to tell her each and every detail, but just say that you did it and that you regret it and you respect her enough to not keep such an important aspect of your past from her. Remember, past has a way of connecting back into the present...hauntingly so, as can be seen in all sorts of publicised scandals!

-- music lover (, October 08, 2004.

You could tell her now and watch her leave you.

You could fall in love with her, then tell her and watch her leave you.

You could not tell her and have her find out later and watch her leave you.

You could never tell her and she may never find out; she could still leave you for any other reason.

You could tell her now and then realize that the love you both have for each other is strong enough to accept the forgiveness of past sins. And live a long married life with each other.

I think it would be great finding a woman who has the love and power of forgiveness. She is the one to hang on to. She is the one who is capable of love.


-- rod (, October 08, 2004.

Most importantly, Paul Johnson is the person who needs to be confident of his conviction to staying away from sin. He needs to make it clear that the old Paul is dead and the new Paul is worth his weight in gold. Paul Johnson must prove that he is capable of loving his one and only woman. The woman for him must feel extremely confident that the old Paul no longer exists and the new Paul is the man for her.


-- rod (, October 08, 2004.

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