I have been civally married for 9 years. My husband was raised Catholic, but had left the Catholic Church and was away from it when we married in a non-denominational church. I was NOT Catholic at the time. I am now separated from him for the past 8 months, originally due to financial reasons (I am back with parents). I have reason to believe he's been unfaithful since before I moved back with my parents, although I could not prove any of it, unless he admitted it or one of his friends or family-all who claim they had no idea we were having problems- came forward. I further have reason to believe that he may have been unfaithful since almost right after the honeymoon. I've sat up numerous nights during our marriage (0ther than the nights he worked), wondering when he was coming home from hanging out with his "friend". I have begged him over the years to attend marital counseling, which we both agreed we would do if one of us asked, prior to our marriage. He refused repeatadly.

Last year I entered the Catholic church. Although I started RCIA because my husband told me he wanted to return to the Catholic Church, by the time I received my First Communion, the decision to be Catholic was my full desire. I now am home since I entered the church. Before I entered the Church, my husband and I had to renow our vows in the Church since he was Catholic by upbringing. However, he rarely attended services (his job was his excuse for not attending), and he made few efforts with me to fellowship with other Catholics aside from his family.

I really need some answers. I loved my husband all these 9 years, and still do in some ways; but have no desire to reconcile with him. He distanced himself emotionally and intimately for the past 6 years. Although our first civil union was consumated, we lived as roommates sharing the same bed since after the first 2 years, and never consumated the Catholic wedding 1 year ago prior to my entering the Church. I have done all I could to hang on to a marriage I no longer believe existed. He still won't admit to my suspicions, and has only BEGUN to apologize for all the behaviors during our marriage that caused suspicion (i.e., the late nights out, not wearing his ring for the past atleast 5 years except at the renewal of our vows, packing away all my things into storage after he drove me 4 1/2 hours back to my parents'); once I made it clear I want a divorce. He does not know I want an annulment, and I'd like to keep it that way until the process begins. We are not divorced yet, as I have to save money to file, since he has not paid me the 1/2 that he has promised me. Other than that, the divorce will probably be uncontested.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I am desperate to know if my "marriage" has sufficient grounds for annulment once the divorce is finalized.

-- Karri (Karri@noemail.com), May 22, 2004

Answers

My advice is to slow down...

Forgive your Husband, Pray for strength and Talk with your Priest...

Both you and your Husband are in need of sound guidance -Divorce is not the answer...

I will pray for you both.

Daniel

-- Daniel Hawkenberry (dlm@catholic.org), May 22, 2004.

karen, I am in the process of annulment right now. I must tell you that it is a long and expensive process with great restrictions and expectations. the Church is restricted to its Canon and will not easily avoid the obvious legal responses. It will search your situation with great scrutiny howvere in a methodical effort to see if there is any way that the marriage can be considered anulled, but they do expect the parties to have made every effort to reconcile, and do require certain particular aspects to be present in order to meet requirments for annulment.

My opinion of your situation is that you would be wasting your time and theirs trying to seek annulment. The grounds are just not there.

There had to have been some problem from the very beginning of the marriage that resulted in a bad marriage that never should have taken place and never had the particular virtues to succeed in the first place. And from what you have said here the problems your marriage suffers from are financial and adultery. neither of which can be used to present grounds for annulment.

It seems that your marriage became recognized by the Church when you were married in the Church. At that time you received a Sacrament. The Church MUST recognize that marriage as long as it was done with sincerity and began with the right necessities for a functional marriage from its origin.

I think you will be held to do more to reconcile. The sins of your husband unfortunately do not annul the marriage.

-- Ed Lewis (TRUETREX@hotmail.com), May 23, 2004.

Hi Karen,

I don't think anyone here has the ability to decide whether you have grounds for an annulment. I suggest that you talk with your priest or local diocese. You are in a difficult situation and I will pray for you. You may also wish to try marriage counseling on your own, even if your husband won't go. That may help. Also prayer and staying close to God are good. God bless,

-- Emily ("jesusfollower7@yahoo.com), May 23, 2004.

In answer to the replies made to my post. Thank you for your time. Maybe I should've left the details of his possible adultry and our financial issues out of the scenario when explaining the situation. I DID mention that our marriage in the Catholic Church 1 year ago was never consumated. Any small or large efforts on my part to rekindle that part of our union together, were rejected, or he just plain made himself scarce by not being home enough outside of work. Then, I suddenly get smacked with the realization that he's ready to send me back to my parents'. I have expressed my desire to work things out together, no matter what the difficulty was, and again asked him to seek marital counselling with me. He's refused. This decision that I'm coming to in my life is NOT made with haste. It's made with continued prayers and after seeking advice from many different sources, including 3 different priests, all who have said after very brief conversations with them-get the divorce, then go ahead and file for annulment. I just didn't have clear enough information to know whether it mattered that our civil union was consumated, if our Catholic marriage still hasn't been consumated. If I have sufficient grounds based on that, then it will be worth the cost, even if I'm denied... I am willing to live a celibate life after civil divorce, although I'd rather be free to remarry at some point in my life. I want to remain in full communion with the Church, so will respect any decision made, if and when I file. You can't have a sacramental marriage if both parties are not actively making an effort towards that sacrament.

-- Karri (Karri@noemail.com), May 23, 2004.

Here are some relevant canons:

Canon 1676: Before he accepts a case and whenever there appears to be hope of success, the judge is to use pastoral means to persuade the spouses that, if it is possible, they should perhaps validate their marriage and resume their conjugal life.

Canon 1681: Whenever in the course of the hearing of a case a doubt of a high degree of probability arises that the marriage has not been consummated, the tribunal can, with the consent of the parties, suspend the nullity case and complete the instruction of a case for a dispensation from a non-consummated marriage; eventually it can forward the acts to the Apostolic See, together with a petition, from either or both of the parties for a dispensation, and with the Opinions of the tribunal and of the Bishop.

Canon 1697: The parties alone, or indeed one of them even if the other is unwilling, have the right to seek the favour of a dispensation from a ratified and non-consummated marriage.

Thus, if possible, you should try to reconcile. If this is not possible, you may or may not have grounds for an annulment. Only the tribunal can tell for sure, so you should contact them through your priest once your divorce is finalized. In addition to the usual grounds, another possible ground is "invalid convalidation", where one or both of the parties did not truly believe the original marriage was invalid. Evidence of invalid convalidation includes the continued celebration of the original marriage anniversary date.

The non-consumation would qualify you for dissolution, but this process takes quite a bit longer, because it needs to go to Rome, and it doesn't appear you have any proof for this anyway.

-- Mark (aujus_1066@yahoo.com), May 23, 2004.

I must tell you that it is a long and expensive process with great restrictions and expectations.

The cost of an annulment depends on the diocese. It can be free in some dioceses, or cost up to $1000 in others. I think New York City is the most expensive, at the $1000 end.

-- Mark (aujus_1066@yahoo.com), May 23, 2004.

A Declaration of Nullity cost nothing.

Diocese ask for processing costs. If someone cannot afford to contribute anything for the processing costs, funds are available.

I don't won't to give anyone the idea that annullments can be bought.

God bless,

-- john placette (jplacette@catholic.org), May 26, 2004.

"This decision that I'm coming to in my life is NOT made with haste. It's made with continued prayers and after seeking advice from many different sources, including 3 different priests, all who have said after very brief conversations with them-get the divorce, then go ahead and file for annulment"

Priests are advising you to divorce? hmmm... very sad...

Daniel////

-- Daniel Hawkenberry (dlm@catholic.org), June 01, 2004.

Karen,

I'll keep you in my prayers. You'll find great comfort in that if you do that yourself. I would not be hard on yourself as it seems to me you have helped your (putative?) spouse as much as you possibly could have.

Daniel,

This is a very complicated case. And I'm amazed at how often I see this, that the Holy Spirit calls a daughter into the Church through a recalcitrant son. Only to have her then realize what marriage truly is after she seeks full communion with the one true faith.

Karen knows now where she must go to find the real truth in this. Let her do that and don't judge her for what she finds. It sounds to me that she is being quite heroic in her own individual journey.

-- Pat Delaney (pat@patdelaney.net), June 02, 2004.

My wife was advised by at least two priests and a bishop to divorce and seek an annulment because she would get one.

The Roman Rota disagreed, twice.

-- Divorcedfather (sad@but.true), June 02, 2004.

"This is a very complicated case. And I'm amazed at how often I see this, that the Holy Spirit calls a daughter into the Church through a recalcitrant son. Only to have her then realize what marriage truly is after she seeks full communion with the one true faith."

Pat,

-the road to Damascus...

I do not judge Karen -merely suggest the road may be longer and occupied by both spouses... -further, the Priests 'suggestion' to continue down the road 'alone' would only be valid under grave condition and may only be a detour anyway if chosen and not validated by Truth doggedly pursued through (or in spite of) a US Tribunal...

-- Daniel Hawkenberry (dlm@catholic.org), June 02, 2004.