Although I was raised going to church every Sunday, I haven't been in church in years except for holidays. When I was going to church, I would find myself thinking about my past more than listening to the Preist and I would beome angry with myself and with God. But just because I don't sit in a building with a lot of other people, doesn't me I don't worship God. I try to be a good person. People tell me I am all the time. I pray although not everyday, but I do remember him daily. I feel though that somewhere I strayed away or either he just stopped caring. Thats if he ever did to begin with. I am 26 years old. I have been in numerous abusive relationships. I was married and divorced at 22. At 21 I was made by my boyfriend to have an abortion. I felt all alone. Now, I am so envious of the relaionship my mother and my sister have. If only we would have had that kind of relationship, my baby would have lived and would be turning 5 in May. At 24, I lost my right ovary and tube to a tumor. I knew there would be the chance I would have problems getting pregnant. It was by accident, but I became pregnant last February but before the end of the month, I miscarried. I was so angry with God for allowing this to happen to me. You know what they say though, for every bad thing that happens to us we are blessed. It was later that year that I thought I got my blessing when I met Matt. Nope! God took that away too! When God didn't answer my prayers, I said okay God, if it isn't meant to be then please give me peace and understanding. I just want to be happy and he won't even give me that. I hate the person he has made me to be. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I don't want to be insecure anymore which has caused me problems in the relationship department. I want to know he is there. Instead, I feel like all this time I have been talking to myself. I don't want to feel jealous of my little sister and her relaionship with my mom. I don't want to feel jealous of my older sister and her marriage of five years and new baby. I don't want to be jealous of Jessica and her being secure in herself and being happy with Josh. When is it going to be my turn without something bad happening. It is because of that which has made me much more insecure than I can't keep a relationship going because I am too shy and they won't stick around long enough for me to loosen up. I even try everything I know how to keep from eating around guys because I am so nervous. Please pray for me. I am lonely! I am angry! I am depressed! and it seems that God just doesn't care. He doesn't seem to hear my prayers so maybe if someone will pray for me than he will listen. I won't be surprised though if he doesn't because my mom claims she prays for me all the time. All I want is a little happiness in my life.

-- Mindi Shank (mindilue2003@yahoo.com), February 16, 2004

Answers

Mindi,

Welcome to the forum and may God Bless You. I will indeed pray for you.

You are very candid in your letter. You mention many mortal sins that you have committed and continue to commit (premarital sex, extramarital sex, covetousness, abortion). Sins affect our relationship with God and distance us from His grace. As you have also sadly discovered they also have temporal (worldly) consequences. Unlike most human beings however, God can forgive us anything. I would recommend you attend confession and seek the help of a priest. If you confess your sins with contrition (really mean it and dont plan to do it again) you will be starting with a clean slate.

Once you have done your pennance you will find in prayer that you are more likely to recieve guidance. I would start out by asking God to grant you His grace and ask Him what His wishes are for you.

Reading between the lines that you have so honestly written, it is clear that you want a man/husband to come into your life and remove the emptyness that you feel. No human being can do that no matter how wonderful they are. Form a relationship with God first and follow His teachings and you may find in time that the right man comes your way and more importantly you will be the right woman.

Keep Jeremiah 1:5 "Before you were formed in the womb, I knew you; before you were born I dedicated you." in mind. You are so very special and unique don't ever doubt it.

-- David F (dqf@cox.net), February 16, 2004.

I'll pray for you too Mindi. David has some very good advice. And God does love you. You and especially you.

He knows everything about you, even things you are afraid to think about yourself. Talk to God. If you are a Catholic, go to confession. Maybe a few times or more. Each time you go you will come to feel a little more relieved. Your burden at having an abortion is very difficult. You have to acknowledge that before you can let go of it.

There is a beautiful lady in you. You may be a bit afraid to let her out. But just be patient and she will come. Just pray a bit, frequent the sacraments and talk to a priest about these things you worry about.

With men, try to only make friends with good men who won't mistreat you. But just be friends, and for a long while as it sounds like you may be in a hurry.

I would also go to your Mom and sisters and be honest about everything that's inside you. The more you are able to share this, the sooner you will be able to be free of it.

Prayers are on the way.

-- Pat Delaney (pat@patdelaney.net), February 16, 2004.

Dear Mindi,

I prayed for you today. And David F left a wonderful, caring message for you that I hope you will take to heart. He is right on.

Mindi said: it seems that God just doesn't care.

God really does care, and that's why He gave us the Bible and the Church to teach us how He wants us to live. The more we depart from what God desires for us, the further we run from God. But do you know the story of the Prodigal Son in the Bible? It is a beautiful story because it talks about a son who runs away from his father in disobedience, but returns in repentance, asking his father to forgive him. Read this story here: Luke 15:11-32

When you return to God in repentance, He will love you just as a father would love his own son or daughter and will celebrate and be glad for your return. Not only that, but He will forgive you and cast away your sins as far as the east is from the west. This means God will forgive you and not count your sins against you when you allow Christ in your life to atone for them with his death and suffering on the cross. Also, any suffering that you may be experiencing now is only a shadow or miniscule compared to how much Jesus suffered when He died for you. God loves you and desperately wants you to love Him, so much that He even died a painful death for you.

Ps. 103:11-12 "For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us." (KJV)

Mindi said: He doesn't seem to hear my prayers so maybe if someone will pray for me than he will listen. I won't be surprised though if he doesn't because my mom claims she prays for me all the time. All I want is a little happiness in my life.

Mindi, God hears all of our prayers, but He doesn't always give us what we ask for or what we want. If your mother is praying that you will seek God, perhaps this message you posted seeking prayer is an answer from God. Please listen to God and allow Him to work in your life, because He has the best plan in store for your life, if you choose to follow Him.

God does not promise that we will always be happy, but He does promise us peace and joy in knowing Him, and that is even deeper and better than temporal happiness. You have experienced troubles in your life that have shown you that a relationship with another person (such as your mother or a husband) is not completely fulfilling, because God is showing you that He desires that you seek Him. When you seek God, these other things may come, but you will find true happiness in whatever it is that God has planned for your life.

May God bless you and may you seek Him,

-- Emily (jesusfollower7@yahoo.com), February 16, 2004.

I beleive you have had much ill in your life, and mch good adivce has alreayd been offered. I recomend first a true repentence of all sins, and an attemot to pull your life togather again.

This wont be easy, but I think you can email anyone here to help you.I offer my friendship if you need it.

-- ZAROVE (ZAROFF3@JUNO.COM), February 16, 2004.

Hi Mindi, I agree with all the above advice given by those who have answered your request. I will pray for you too. Please do not loose hope as God knows us through and through and he will not allow things that are beyond our strength. Already He seems to be answering prayer as He has made you seek help. In our spiritual journey we must start to take step by step and then join in the running towards Christ our Saviour who is the WAY TRUTH and the LIFE. I sometimes wonder why I have this enourmous love for people and I know it is through the suffering and rejection that I went through for if not I would not know what it is to feel so lonely and rejected. Now I am so much at peace as Jesus and His Blessed Mother is always on my mind where ever I am. As I am writing this I feel so much at peace and joy that I feel I must try to give you the strength and the courage. And this is not by me for I am so unworthy of the love of God but by Christ who speaks through me. Remember someone loves you more than anyone and that is OUR LORD. God Bless, Love and Prayers, Ramanie.

-- Ramanie Weerasinghe (lilanw@yahoo.com), February 16, 2004.

Happy to pray for you and your situation Mindi. The Lord DOES hear you, even though it often doesn't seem like it at the time.

Frank

-- Someone (ChimingIn@twocents.cam), February 17, 2004.

Thanks a bunch Frank!

-- Mindi Shank (mindilue2003@yahoo.com), February 17, 2004.

Hi, Mindi! There are no words to tell you HOW MUCH God loves you. I know that it is so hard to see this when life is dealing out sorrow and pain. Only God, who is, when you get to know Him, the best of all possible Friends, the only True Love--the--wow, everything--Only God can satisfy the longing you feel. He is such a passionate lover, especially because he KNOWS you can never be happy or fulfilled withou Him, that to woo you to himself, He sometimes will allow no satisfaction elsewhere.
He must be first in your life, so that He can lead you into His heart, and bring into your life, by your willing submission to His will, that which will be best and most full of love.
I hate to mention sin to you, because that is a painful thing, but look, sin is "missing the mark", falling short of that which, in God's plan, is the most loving response that we can give, and always giving first place to God. Mindi, rather than ask for things or outcomes, if you will let th Lord into your heart to rule it, he will give you peace. Real peace, that no worldly event can destroy.
I will pray, pray, pray, pray for you, that you will open up your heart to hear the voice already whispering in your soul.
You have nothing to fear, and everything to gain. God does hear your prayers. I think He is waiting for you to want the giver more than His gifts (we all want to be loved for ourselves, don't we?) If you put Him first, or even begin by desiring to be able to put Him first, He will sweep you right off of your feet. You can't dictate the terms. The terms are His. But wonderful! He desires better for you than you can imagine, He has for you an eternal crown.
Your anguish is a sign of your longing. Just turn it in the right direction. He is not far off, though you can't sense Him. He is right here.
+JMJT+
Denise

-- Denise Griffiths (wolfiesmomtoo@yahoo.com), February 17, 2004.

Mindi, The Lord indeed loves you and listens to you. Now, maybe you should return the favor. Why not go to the Church He founded for you, look at how He gave His life for you, see how He waits for you in the Most Blessed Sacrament, and how He longs to shower you with His forgiveness and be reconciled with you in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Forget about the bad human relationships of the past, and begin fostering a True relationship that lasts an eternity. If there is a man out there who God has created just for you, perhaps the best way of meeting him will be to become more close with the Creator. God's love to you. (((hugs))) and prayers, too. Pax Christi. <><

-- Anna (Flower@youknow.com), February 19, 2004.

I will certainly pray for you. My entire family as well. I have a three year old daughter, whenever I pray for someone she says, 'I want to pray for Mindi (in this case) too'. I always get the feeling that God hears her a little louder than me so you can be sure that God is aware of you.

God Bless

Dano

-- Dan Garon (boethius61@yahoo.com), February 19, 2004.

Hi Mindi. I am praying for you. As someone who has also made mistakes in her life, I understand your pain. Everyone makes mistakes, look at them as a reason to learn and grow. Visit a priest and talk. Ask the Lord for forgiveness. It is very healing. It will not take long to realize you do not need of material things or a man in your life. You first need to find love for yourself before you can love a man.

-- k brock (brock@ligtel.com), February 19, 2004.

Thank you! I am going to see the preist as soon as I leave work today if I can keep up the courage. Tell your daughter thanks a bunch too!

-- Mindi Shank (mindilue2003@yahoo.com), February 20, 2004.

So Mindi, How did it go? Were you able to follow through?

-- Pat Delaney (pat@patdelaney.net), February 27, 2004.

I DID IT! And I feel great. Thanks for so much for all the great advice and support. Father did not react at all like I thought he would. At the end, he told me to go into the church and talk to God. He told me to name my baby and I did. Then he hugged me and told me welcome back. And all this time I was afraid I would not be welcome in church anymore if Father knew what all I have done. I know that God is forgiving, but I know that people aren't always so forgiving.

I went to Saturday night mass and I plan to go again this Saturday night. I also plan to go to reconciliation again soon. Not that I plan to continue down the same path I was heading. I am much more conscience of everything I do and say. Even the little things that before I didn't pay much attention to because they seemed so small next to everything else. I realize more now that sin is sin no matter how great or small I think it may be.

Thanks again to everyone!

Mindi

-- Mindi Shank (mindilue2003@yahoo.com), February 27, 2004.

Mindi, I am rejoicing over the fact that God has brought you back into communion with Him and His Church. God is rejoicing, and so are the angels: Luke 15:1-7 (NAB)
The tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to listen to him, but the Pharisees and scribes began to complain, saying, "This man welcomes sinners and eats with them." So to them he addressed this parable. "What man among you having a hundred sheep and losing one of them would not leave the ninety-nine in the desert and go after the lost one until he finds it? And when he does find it, he sets it on his shoulders with great joy and, upon his arrival home, he calls together his friends and neighbors and says to them, 'Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.' I tell you, in just the same way there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous people who have no need of repentance. Thanks you for sharing your testimony. You have given light to my day. God bless,

-- Emily (jesusfollower7@yahoo.com), February 27, 2004.

That's great Mindi!

The joy you feel is God's grace in your heart again. Remember to keep being generous with yourself. You've given me (and probably any one reading this thread) a HUGE smile today.

:)

-- Pat Delaney (pat@patdelaney.net), March 01, 2004.