Subject: Health Concerns - Q&A THE BEST ANSWERS I HAVE EVER GOTTEN TO MY HEALTH CONCERNS ON DIET AND EXERCISE!! Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it ....don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! One more thing... When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt.

-- Anonymous, October 16, 2003

Answers

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to live by these...healthly??!!

Thanks for sharing, Dee :-)!

-- Anonymous, October 16, 2003

That's adorable Dee! I agreee with the basic premise anywho: we worry and feel guilty too much about this kinda stuff and that stress is perhaps worse for our health than anything else.

-- Anonymous, October 17, 2003

Q: What's Mozart doing on Halloween?

A: Decomposing

-- Anonymous, October 22, 2003

Thought this was cute....

SUPER GRANNY---DEFENDER OF JUSTICE

This is a true story. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back seat of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS...........:-) :-)!!

-- Anonymous, October 23, 2003

Weird sexy news.............

Embarrassed GM to Rename Car with Risque Overtones

MAKUHARI, Japan (Reuters) - General Motors Corp will rename its Buick LaCrosse in Canada because the name for the car is slang for masturbation in Quebec, embarrassed officials with the U.S. automaker said Thursday.

GM officials, who declined to be named, said it had been unaware that LaCrosse was a term for self-gratification among teenagers in French- speaking Quebec.

GM officials in Canada are working on a new name for the car, a sedan that will go on sale next year to replace the Buick Regal.

The mix-up is reminiscent of another GM vehicle with an unfortunate name. In the 1970s, GM exported its Chevrolet Nova to Mexico and other Spanish-speaking countries, only to be told that Nova translated into "doesn't go." Despite the name, and contrary to popular folklore, the car sold well.

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Stiff Discipline After Schoolboys' Viagra Prank

LONDON (Reuters) - Six British schoolboys were rushed to hospital after taking the erection-enhancing drug Viagra at lunchtime for a dare, the school said on Thursday.

Forest School in Winnersh, southern England said paramedics were called after a fellow student told teachers about the 13-year-olds' prank.

"It is believed that a pupil brought the tablets in from home into the all-boys school and shared them with five friends," the local education authority said in a statement.

The Sun newspaper quoted a source at the school as saying: "By the time the afternoon lessons began, there was no hiding what they had done."

Paramedics took the six squirming boys to the nearby Royal Berkshire Hospital, where they were monitored until the effects wore off.

"The school has a strict no drugs policy and a pupil will be temporarily excluded for actions which placed other pupils at risk," the education authority added.

-- Anonymous, October 23, 2003

This isn't exactly a joke, just something that strikes me as funny. Every day on my way to and from work I pass a store called "Amish Furniture Mart". Lately part of their sign has been burned out, so at night it says "Amish F U" :)

-- Anonymous, October 24, 2003

there's a chinese restaurant we drive by frequently called FU XING, which strikes us as a bad choice.

-- Anonymous, November 01, 2003

It's interesting how two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different. When I saw the "Amish F U" sign I thought of Amish F--- You. When Keith saw it he thought Amish Fu, like Kung Fu, and thought it was a new martial art for the horse and buggy crowd. :)

-- Anonymous, November 04, 2003