I have been dating a Catholic and although I am Christian, I am not Catholic. (I believe I was baptized Catholic but never confirmed as my Mother did not attend Mass, nor have her children attend.) I consider myself non-denominational and will attend a church with solid fundamental Christian doctrine teachings. I do believe in the BVM and that Jesus was crucified and resurrected for my sins. (Just laying a bit of info - sorry if it's too involved.)

My Catholic friend and I have discussed the commitment of marriage but I'm a little confused, so any help is greatly appreciated.

I have become fascinated with Catholicism as it seems to contradict everything I've been told throughout my life. I have a deeper understanding of the Catholic Faith and I am thankful for this.

I was married once and that marriage ended in divorce. He, too, was (still is) a Christian, but I'm having a difficult time understanding reasons for an annulment and what that actually means. I loved my ex-husband very much, and I know he loved me, but there were a number of difficulties we were not able to resolve over the 8 years of our marriage. One of these being, his desire to not have children and my desire to have them. Our divorce was amicable - we still speak to each other and are very good friends. We have gone our separate ways but since we are both Christian, I'm having a hard time with the statement regarding "the marriage wasn't a true union in the eyes of God" (my paraphrase).

If I haven't thoroughly confused you, can someone explain this to me? I know my friend would like to have the marriage seen by the Catholic Church, but I have difficulty saying my marriage to my ex-husband wasn't seen as 'fit' (lack of better word at the moment) in the eyes of God, especially since we are both Christians.

I could have it all wrong, which is why clarification is important to me.

Cheers.

-- (dvg@australiamail.com), August 18, 2003

Answers

an annulment is not a declaration that a previous marraige was not 'fit,' instead it is a declaration that circumstances existed at the time of marraige which prevented a valid sacramental marraige from ever occuring. why is this system so important?

marraige is an oath taken before God. it is a covenant not only with your spouse but with God as well. this covenant cannot be broken. that means that once a valid marraige has taken place, no force short of death can separate the couple in the eyes of God, which certainly precludes a second marraige unless the first spouse has died.

HOWEVER, situations may have existed which would have prevented a valid marraige from occuring, such as parents having pressured you into a marraige you didnt want or a partner who was really a gay using you as a cover (although these are two extreme examples... as i dont want to have another round of words with daniel, i'll leave it to others to point out more subtle reasons which might apply to you).

these situations would cause their to be an initial flaw in the marraige, and as such it could not be considered valid as a covenant with God. some key areas of difficulty for you in particular: you were married for eight years so if there was an initial flaw with the union you failed to point it out in a timely manner, second, you are on good terms with your husband, which means you might be encouraged to try to work things out with your husband and renew your vows to your husband.

im sure i'll be corrected by lots of people, but thats the short of what you need to know for now. if you want an actual annulment, youd be best to get advice from a priest, a tribunal, or a canon lawyer, instead of here.

-- paul (dontsendmemail@notanaddress.com), August 18, 2003.

Jmj

Hello, "dvg."
I think that paul has given you a lot of good information and advice. The only thing he said that I don't think is correct is this:
"... if there was an initial flaw with the union you failed to point it out in a timely manner."
There is no "statute of limitations" in these matters. A couple could be together even for decades without being truly married in the eyes of God. There would be nothing unusual in "dvg" receiving a Declaration of Nullity after eight years with her "ex."

Paul stated: "i'll leave it to others to point out more subtle reasons which might apply to you."
As he explained, an apparent "union" of two people cannot be a real marriage if valid consent cannot be given, and there are many potential barriers (impediments) to valid consent. One of the constitutive elements in a marriage is "openness to fruitfulness." When this is missing -- when one or both of the people are unwilling to accept children into their life -- it is not possible for valid consent to marriage to be given. From what you say, it appears that such a barrier existed in the attitude of your "ex".

I agree with paul that you should make an appointment to speak to your friend's Catholic pastor as soon as possible. Not only will he help you with this matter, but he will help you to understand Catholicism better and (I hope) attract you to the faith of your infancy.

God bless you.
John

-- J. F. Gecik (jfgecik@hotmail.com), August 18, 2003.

Just my two cents, but your statement "there were a number of difficulties we were not able to resolve over the 8 years of our marriage. One of these being, his desire to not have children and my desire to have them" would seem to indicate simulation on his part.

If he was not open to having children, then there is no effective consent to a sacramental union. He may well have been the nicest fellow in the world (and a great partner to boot), but his lack of openness to children is an impediment to one of the primary purposes of sacramental marriage.

Its no reflection on you whatsoever. Your partner was in disagreement with God's will. Accordingly God, being perfectly just, would have said NO to a sacramental union.

Of course, if this man had a change of heart now, you are free to convalidate a union with him in the future. It's the Churches position that this is desirable if possible. At the same time, you are also free to move on to greener (and more fertile) pastures.

Think of it. Now you can go out, truely marry some lucky fellow, and participate in yhe creation and raising of souls to reach heaven. Lucky you!

Cheers right back at you.

-- Pat Delaney (pat@patdelaney.net), September 30, 2003.