Hi, I really appreciate any advice I receive and thank you for your time. I have known this man for 2 years and was approached a few months ago showing interest in marriage. He is currently married and has 2 kids. He met his current wife on a cruise over 12 years ago and she approached him and lead him to bed while on the cruise, when he asked to get a condom, she told him not to worry that she is on the pill and can't get pregnant. 3 months later he gets a call from her saying she is pregnant. After 3 years or so, he decides that maybe it's better if he maaries her since she has a child with him and does get married in the catholic church. He felt obligated to marry her because they have a child together, and she is 10 years older than him and is of different race. They had another child over the next 2 years. He never would have married her if it weren't for the child and feels trapped. According to him, he feels like he is strictly a provider for the household and there is no intimacy or compassion between them and for the last 5 or 6 years. She does not approach him with love and rejects him approaching her. He wanted to get divorced 5 years ago and apparently she convinced him otherwise. I am not sure how I got caught up in this but I do like immensly and would want to marry him and so here I am asking you for help. His fear is if he divorces her, he can no longer get communion in the church, and he also is worried that our marriage will not be recognized, which will take place in a private place. Could his previous marriage be considered valid knowing that he married her out of abligation and he was lied to in the first place about being on the pill? Please help.

-- Megan Smith (meghan2000us@yahoo.com), August 08, 2003

Answers

The circumstances of his marriage might well constitute grounds for annulment - however, he cannot assume it is so. He would have to submit the necessary information to a marriage trubunal to have that determination made. He would have to have a civil divorce before the trbunal will procede with such a determination. Being divorced will not, in itself, prevent him from receiving the sacraments. However, seeking a relationship with another woman while he is still married may well be reason for not receiving the Eucharist. And, if he were to marry you without the benefit of annulment he would thereby be excluded from the sacramental life of the Church.

-- Paul (PaulCyp@cox.net), August 08, 2003.

"I am not sure how I got caught up in this but I do like immensly and would want to marry him and so here I am asking you for help."

Megan,

He is married AND his marriage is valid now unless determined invalid.

If he approached you showing interest in marriage then his concept of marriage is flawed -I would suggest you get un-caught from this situation.

His issues are his alone to deal with regarding his soul -as are yours...

He should address his issues/concerns with a Priest.

-- Daniel Hawkenberry (dlm@catholic.org), August 08, 2003.

I have to agree w/ Daniel about getting out of your releationship w/ this man. Let him work it out on his own. He does not need your assistance w/ these problems and don't say you feel sorry for him. It is an excuse used to hide your feelings for him.

-- Tim (ttdeleon@hotmail.com), August 08, 2003.