Abusive Wife + Drugs = Nightmare

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I'm an athletic 280 lb guy who frequently goes on century bike rides. I have a great job as a principal software engineer for a large corporation. I've been married to "Jessica" 12 years now, and tried to give her everything she wanted, including a new Mustang and her dream house.

It wasn't too bad the first eleven years. I just had to be very careful about what I said around her. One word out of place (or even a slight roll of the eyes as she's telling me something) can cause her to get violent, kicking me, elbowing me, destroying expensive keepsakes, and throwing heavy objects at me. She even studied "Chuck Norris Self-Defense" tapes, in hopes of causing me more damage during her tirades. I'm a big guy who rarely gets angry, and can take her worst, so this wasn't that big of an issue for me.

But in the last year, Jessica has been more mentally abusive than physically. She started working at a new job (she said she was bored, sitting around the house), where some of the employees there got her hooked on illegal drugs. At first, she wanted me to come along to parties with her new friends, but I objected when they started smoking weed and doing cocaine. After pointless arguments, mostly with her saying that she's "a big girl and can do whatever she wants", she still goes to these parties, and comes back wasted at 5 AM the next day. Anytime I try to discuss her drug problem, she leaves in a huff and comes back wasted.

She constantly threatens to leave me (these threats are empty and she knows it, but they still hurt). She spends money like it grows on trees, buying illegal drugs for her new friends with money that is supposed to go towards paying the bills. I squirreled away alot of money, but at the rate she spends it, we'll be bankrupt in less than a year. She has also stopped doing even minimal household chores, so I have to do everything around the house, including taking care of her collection of seven cats.

Her once close relationship with her family has deteriorated as well. Her father was diagnosed with prostate cancer, but she refuses to see him on his death-bed because he "has sided with me" on her illegal drug use. I've thought of leaving her, but 12 years is a big investment and feels like I'd be abandoning her in her hour of need.

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2003

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