Got Duct Tape?

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Ha ha, this was posted on another board. I thought you all might enjoy this. The link is here: http://www.abqtrib.com/archives/diversions03/030703_diversions_wilde.shtml

And here's the text:

I've got my duct tape, but that's not enough

COMMENTARY

As you've known all your life, duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it is the stuff that binds not only our universe together, but much of our cheap broken stuff as well.

Now four out of five terrorist experts say, "But oh! That's not all."

It is in fact duct tape - and only duct tape - that stands between our free-breathing society and our complete annihilation by hostilely flung chemical death.

Good tip.

Good to know that a fat roll of duct tape coupled with a few sheets of plastic can seal me up in my bathroom when disaster strikes. That way I can have a few hours more to conjure the horrible death that awaits me outside once I run out of s'mores, water and, well, air.

The only problem is that I have no real flair with duct tape. You know, it doesn't seem to matter how slowly and methodically I try to unroll it and apply it, it gets twisted and sticks to itself and ends up in a ball at my feet. I did make a fine duct tape jump-rope once, though.

Now if I can't handle duct tape on a leisurely, nonterrorizing, think-I'll-order-a-pizza Saturday, how can I possibly do a good vacuum seal job during a full-blown, end-of-the-world panic (especially with all the distracting screaming I'll be doing)? You'd find me Cling Wrapped on my living room floor looking like last week's leftover hot dog.

You know, the terrorist experts also want me to put together a disaster kit that includes a signal flare, a fire extinguisher and a small cooking stove.

Come on. I couldn't figure out that caulking gun I bought to do the tile in my bathroom, so I filled it with frosting. Not to decorate cakes, but because sometimes you just want a fun way to eat frosting.

And I once Super Glued my hand to the inside of my shoe. Don't ask.

Giving me a signal flare is like giving a monkey a bowl of pudding. Something bad's gonna happen.

But let me ask you, if duct tape and plastic don't keep out the cold - that's a big joke on us by those sneaky manufacturers - or New Mexico's dirt off my kitchen floor, what chance does it have against wafting death?

They also say that if something biologically icky happens I should immediately remove all my clothes and wash myself with soapy water.

Well. What if I'm in 7-Eleven? Or what if it's a false alarm, and I end up naked and soapy in Albertsons produce department? (Well, that is where they keep that hose to wash the veggies.)

Disaster experts indeed.

Of course, I can understand about being prepared for something I might survive with perhaps only an extra eye in the middle of my forehead, the scales of a serpent or a superpower or two.

But please don't give me advice on how to survive a nuclear bomb. That ain't gonna happen. Survival is not really an option.

A couple of my favorites are:

Don't look at the flash or fireball. It can blind you.

There's gonna be a FIREBALL!?

Get under ground as quickly as possible.

I can honestly say I do not have the digging skills required for this task, no matter how much I want to "Be the Gopher."

My very favorite one is:

If you're caught outside with no protection, lie flat on the ground and cover your head.

Well, finally something I can do without going through basic training. And it sure makes sense, doesn't it? Plus, if I spread my arms and legs out and flap them, I can leave a purdy nuclear snow angel smudge.

I actually do have a plan if terror strikes. Yeah. I know exactly what to do if I get wind of death headed my way.

I'm gonna duct tape myself to my fully loaded liquor cabinet.

Duct tape. It's like the Force, you know.

You can call M.J. at (505) 823-3605 or e-mail her at mjwilde(at)abqtrib.com. Or go outside and scream into the wind. You know, while it's still fresh.



-- Anonymous, March 11, 2003

Answers

Mr. S. has a 27-year-old bottle of Everclear (pure alcohol) that has never been opened. It still has the old-time paper seal over the cap. We have kept it in our liquor cabinet for all these years and joked about saving it for the end of the world (it's powerful stuff). While some of it has somehow managed to evaporate, we still have most of it. I think we may be somewhat closer to having to drink it one of these days. (Shudder....)

And duct tape...that and plastic sheating: the fallout shelter of the 00's...for today's modern and mobile folks in-the-know!. Sheesh.

I could shelter in place and drink the Everclear with Mr. S. if something happened, I guess. However, I have very strong doubts that I could get 19 sheep, 18 chickens, 2 geese, 15 ducks, and 6 (or is it 7 now?) cats in the bathroom (along with their food and bedding). Hmm. What are you all planning?

Actually, I really would be curious to know (on a more sober/somber side) what, if any, emergency plans you have for your critters. I went to a emergency planning meeting regarding animal and livestock safety prior to y2K. I'm curious if any of you have plans in case of any disaster stuff (be it wildfire, flood, etc.). The information I got was good, but an amazing amount of work. I don't have a horse trailer, so my sheep would have to run free (or something). I don't like to think about it...

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2003


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