I am Catholic and my wife wants a devorce ??????????

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I have begged and pleaded for the last three months but my wife is bound and deturmined to get a divorce. She is not Catholic but is Baptist. I truely believe that I made a commitment to her and God 17 years ago when we got married. What does an enulment mean and do I even want to seek one. She has filed the papers and I have been served. She has been having an afair and won't even go to counceling. Any input would be appreciated. BTW, we have two wonderful sons.

-- Mike (rooksdad@netscape.net), February 28, 2003

Answers

Dear Mike,

Following is a somewhat lengthy :) email - sharing my story of what God has taught me in my circumstances . . . .the meat of it is this though . . .

Proverbs 3:3-5 Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win the favor and good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways ackowledge him and He will make your paths straight.

My husband left me a while ago . . there was no affair or abuse involved . . . he just didn't "feel" in love anymore and thought it best to leave ASAP. For the first 2 weeks I was so shocked I did not tell anyone in my life what was happening. . never in a million years did I think something like this would happen to me . . .Finally I knew I had to face reality and acknowledge my husband was gone and had to decide what on earth I was going to do in these circumstances that I could have never imagined. I confessed my fears and shock to the Lord - I asked Him for his guidance . . . . I opened His word - hoping for some encouragement . . . I got none . . . the scriptures that had been so vital in my life suddenly seemed empty . . . I literally could not understand what I read . . . . I finally called a dear friend at 3am when I was at wits end . . she prayed with me over the phone . . . specifically for me to have peace and to be comforted by Jesus. I was able to sleep peacefully that night and when I awoke in the morning and opened the bible . . . it was if I was literally being showered in God's grace . . . what I couldn't understand the night before suddenly filled me . . . surprised me beyond what I can explain . . I wanted to drink His word. I was specifically encouraged and comforted by what I read in Psalms (for example Psalm 25, Psalm 31, Psalm 34). It was then that God spoke to me . . . he reminded me that His truth and His love remain despite my circumstances and despite how the world lives. I knew then that no matter what happened at that point, if I remained faithful to His word and obedient to His call on my life . . . I would be fine. . . more than fine. It was also then that I committed to remain faithful to the vow and the sacrament I entered into. I knew I could not change my husband's heart, I could not force him to stay or go to counseling, but what i could do was pray fervently for the restoration of our marriage and remain a faithful wife. Since that time, he has gone through with a legal divorce. When we left the courthouse that day I told him when we married it was not for "civil law" reasons, but we became one by entering into the sacrament of marriage with God . . so in God's eyes and in my eyes we were still married. I told him I loved him and I would continue to pray for our marriage, for him and for I, but that I would not chase after him, call him, bother him. It is only God that I have been true to that!:) How many times I have wanted to call him!! That was five years ago . .. God has been 100% faithful to His word Mike . . . . He has sustained me, comforted me, guided me, strengthened me, drawn me so much closer to Him and given me a joy I never thought I'd know again. In Ephesians Paul refers to Him as the one who "is able to do IMMEASURABLY more that we could EVER ask or IMAGINE"! I love that . . . it is so true. I continue to pray with the full armor of God that Satan would be held back from touching my husband and tempting Him, I continue to pray for a full reconcilation. And I believe it could happen tomorrow, 3 years from now, 25 years from now, or in heaven. He has been engaged 2 times and has called them both off. in the past 5 years we have spoken only a # of times however I am certain that God is moving mightily in my life and I have high hopes that He is moving in my husband's as well

The Church's teaching on the covenant of marriage is based on truth . . I am so grateful for it. Unfortunately during this time that I have been praying for reconciliation I have reached out numerous times to leaders in the Church in search of support, prayer . . and confirmation that I'm "on track" and I have basically received no response. I am certain that it is only because they are so busy and over burdened, but it is truly tragic. I've also been discouraged at times by the fact that not only does the world think I am crazy and in denial . . . but many Christians (Baptist, Catholic, Presbyterian, etc) have questioned my understanding of the permanance of marriage. They ask me why I would want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. The truth is that it isn't something that I, in all my humaness, "want" all the time . It is beyond me how God can heal this . . but I completely know He can AND that it is His will for us to remain faithful despite how we "feel". So why to I continue to stand for my marriage . . . because I totally trust my heavenly Father. He knows so much better than ME . . . His ways are not our ways. He loves us so much, His plan for our lives IS immeasurably more than we can imagine. Satan is the Father of lies . . the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy . . he is so thrilled when families are broken, Mike. I believe that he works at destroying marriages to destroy the church and all of society. God is SO much more powerful than Satan though! Just as Christ raised Lazurus from the dead, HE is able to raise our marriages from what the world looks at as dead.

Just this month I received papers from the church that my husband has applied for an annulment. This step has definately been more painful than when he initially left. I have been discouraged at my attempts for any support from the church that have been fruitless, and now he requests assistance with declaring that we never actually married and the church has responded so . . . hmm . . in such a big way. I believe without a doubt that the we were validly married and I am hoping and praying that process of annulment will bring Glory to God and end in a denial of his petition for annulment. I fully accept that my husband may never return home- because of his free will to choose sin over obedience- and I know God will give me the strength and the ability to be content in all circumstances to remain faithful to our marriage vows till death. I do not want the tribunal to deny the petition b/c I am bitter, or want to cause my husband harm . . . but because it would be a lie . . and I believe it would impede my husbands journey of true repentence and his full reception of God's forgiveness and POWER to restore. I am so sorry this is so long. I just rarely hear people talk about reconciliation . . but instead often immediately offer annulment as a path. I assume that you understand your marriage to be valid from the beginning and I just want to encourage you to be faithful to pray for your wife and mother of your sons. To be faithful to your vows . . . when you feel passionate about it and when you feel like you just don't care anymore. God calls us to obedience not to harm us, but because He loves us so much. He has so many wonderful ways He wants to bless you!

Mike in Isaiah 43 the Lord says "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze" . . . I know the heartbreak of a broken marriage you must be feeling. Remember how much God loves you and how faithful He is. He will not let the rivers of the grief you feel sweep over you. Hold on to Him. Study His word. Do not put your faith in the things of this world, things people say, books you read, do not put your faith and hope in anything but Jesus. He is the only way and the most joyful way!!

With much love in Christ - I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

-- susana (susanashome@charter.net), March 01, 2003.


Susana, what a beautiful woman you are! That was very moving, and my heart goes out to you. I will pray a novena to Our Lady for you, that God sends your husband back to you.

Mike, an annulment means the marriage was never valid in the eyes of God, and you would have to talk to a priest about that. I will pray for you also.

-- Gordon (gvink@yahoo.com), March 01, 2003.


All you can do, you've done. It is her decision now. Your concern is for your kids. Let God do the rest. Everything that needs to be done will fall into place, as painful as it will be.

-- Rod A. Rodriguez (elreyrod@yahoo.com), March 01, 2003.

Susana, You are an amazing woman who after one short letter has my utmost respect. Thank you for the scriptures and for sharing your story. You have been added to my prayer list.

Gordan, That is wxactly what I thought an annulment ment. If the marriage was never valid in the eyes of God, where does that leave my children? If the marrige was never valid in the eyes of God does that mean that my wife and I have been living in sin for the last 17 years. WOW!! I have an appointment with my priest next week. Thanks Gordan

Rod, Thanks for your words. It seems much easier said than done to put this in the hands of the lord. I have had this prayer over and over again. What I have to learn is to ad a prayer in there asking for Gods patience. This is harder than anything I have ever immagined. Thanks again Rod

-- Mike (rooksdad@netscape.net), March 01, 2003.


Dear Mike,

Annulment has no effect whatsoever on your children. Also, it does not mean you have been "living in sin". Sin requires knowledge and intent. One cannot sin unknowingly.

-- Paul (PaulCyp@cox.net), March 01, 2003.



Mike

Please believe me when I say that I know the pain that you are going through. It took me a very long time to get back to a so-called "normal" life. I truly believe that those things that seemed bad at first, later prove to be what was best for me. I can only thank God for working in truly mysterious ways. Yes, it does feel like an impossibility, but I'm glad that I can say it today, as I look back. Be strong.

rod

-- Rod A. Rodriguez (elreyrod@yahoo.com), March 01, 2003.


To Mike and Susana,

You both have a long lonely walk ahead. In 1989 my wife began a relationship with her still lover, which was and remains encouraged by the Roman Catholic Church. I opposed all of it from the beginning believing in the "Sacrament" we both spoke about throughout our almost ten-year and five child marriage. There has been zero clerical support for my position and rare lay support as well. The divorced "innocent" spouse is a truly forgotten member of the Church in spite of anything and everything you will be told by the Church. I remain and will remain faithful to my vows but I can not envision a return to the Church because the Church is clearly in the wrong and REFUSES to address the issues involved on any level. This is the TRUTH. For the record, my wife, to the best of my knowledge was told to seek an annulment and was encouraged in her quest by the priest who would eventually, through canonically illegal acts(which the Church in spite of HARD WRITTEN EVIDENCE refuses to act upon)grant her a decision in favor of her annulment quest. Almost giving up, I witnessed the destructive nature of this divorce/annulment garbage on one of my children and promised her I would fight this attemp to "nullify" a reality until my last breath. I have and I will. Just weeks ago, after over thirteen years of fighting the Church, the Roman Rota pronounced its SECOND decision in support of the Sacrament. However this is a meaningless exercize as the Catholic Church in America, and ALL its bishops, have long supported the lovers as the "REAL" married couple here because my wife obtained a "no-fault" divorce and married her lover and had two children with him, which according to Catholic teaching gives her the right to live with her lover for the good of the children. I empathize with both of you and wish both of your situations would be healed, but the Catholic Church long ago abandoned the truth of marriage, in spite of what other advice you may get in this column from laity or clergy. There is not a single cleric, priest or bishop, with the guts to fight the Church head-on in this issue and risk their vocation for truth. NOT ONE THAT I HAVE MET. If there are I certainly would communicate with them to show them the facts. When push comes to shove I have little doubt they will buckle under the weight of hierarchical disinterest and/or disdain for a spouse who expects the Church to support the SACRAMENT. The Roman Catholic Church is a disgrace and is truly an adultress on this issue and has not been faithful to Christ. Sadly in spite of the evidence of the wrong of its position it will not return to fidelity. Thank you and God bless you both and may God change the hearts of your spouses.

Karl

-- KARL (parkerkajwen@hotmail.com), March 01, 2003.


By the way, I recently held out an olive branch for reconciliation with my wife and I am waiting for her reply. This plea has been ignored by the Cardinal and the Bishop of the diocese involved, as has been their positions all these years. Rome will do nothing!

Karl

-- Karl (parkerkajwen@hotmail.com), March 01, 2003.


> "Also, it does not mean you have been "living in sin". Sin requires knowledge and intent. One cannot sin unknowingly."

Paul, concerning serious matter like sexual relations, outside of marriage, a sin still exists, but it's a venial sin. The ignorant, cannot be innocent, when it comes to serious matters, and that is why going to confession on a regular bases is important.

> "The divorced "innocent" spouse is a truly forgotten member of the Church in spite of anything and everything you will be told by the Church."

Karl, clearly a case of abuse in your archdiocese, if all the facts were given properly by all parties involved. Not all archdioceses have become like this. It really is a sorry state of the Church today, and I believe a problem that largely exists mostly in the Western world.

There is a lot of abuse in the annulment process, by the fact people are lying to the Church, and so the Church is making a decision without all the proper information. That cannot be the fault of the Church in such cases. Not sure if this applies to you Karl?

> "but I can not envision a return to the Church because the Church is clearly in the wrong"

Don't let the sins of others, be a reason to sin yourself. Karl you need the sacraments of God's Church, especially to give you strength in all of this. Find a good Parish in your Archdiocese, and go to that Church. Find a good priest that supports you in all of this. Don't get discouraged.

> "Just weeks ago, after over thirteen years of fighting the Church, the Roman Rota pronounced its SECOND decision in support of the Sacrament."

Well, I don't understand, as it seems the Church does support your marriage as valid, so why do you have a problem then?

> "because my wife obtained a "no-fault" divorce"

Civil divorce, has no bearing on whether your marriage was valid or not. Civil divorce in our modern age is an absolute JOKE!!! I mean, the civil authorities just give them out, to who ever wants them, so don't pay any attention to that garbage. Modern civil authorities on marriage are a disgrace to human dignity!

Karl, please explain things better, as you post contradicts itself. You said they support your marriage as valid, but then you criticize the Church repeatedly.

-- Gordon (gvink@yahoo.com), March 01, 2003.


Thanks again for every ones comments. All are appreciated and do help, keep them coming.

Mike

-- Mike (rooksdad@netscape.net), March 01, 2003.



Dear Gordon, I hesitate to spend time on this thread since it is for Mike that I wrote what I, but if I told you what I have experienced it would not be believable. You would think I was a liar. I can tell you with moral certainty that the Catholic Church does not want to deal with the injustice its annulment process has dredged up. It wants the easy way out. It sounds hard but it is a fact. Catholics, in the large part, do not care for the concept of justice, they are appeasers and find it abhorrent that a person could demand justice. These days justice is marginalized as vengeance by stupid, not ignorant, people. I challenge any priest or bishop who will put their vocation on the line to listen to what I have to say. If you want to call my bluff have your priest contact me through this forum. When I have confirmed his priesthood and his willingness to go head to head with the Church then I will communicate directly with him. I guarantee they will not believe me or they will say that justice is vengeance.

-- karl (parkerkajwen@hotmail.com), March 02, 2003.

Gordon, Forgive the typos the response was done in haste.

-- KARL (parkerkajwen@hotmail.com), March 02, 2003.

> "the Catholic Church does not want to deal with the injustice its annulment process has dredged up"

Karl, you said in your previous post that the annulment was not given to you wife, so why do you have a complaint against the Church? Do you blame the Church for your wife leaving you?

You said this: > "Just weeks ago, after over thirteen years of fighting the Church, the Roman Rota pronounced its SECOND decision in support of the Sacrament."

I also still don't understand why you left God's Church? You do need the sacraments of the Church.

I don't think you are a liar, but you are not being very clear here. Please email me, if you want to discuss it.

> "I am not popular on these threads, because I speak truth."

Ed, can you please explain that a bit better. Why are you unpopular in these threads?

-- Gordon (gvink@yahoo.com), March 02, 2003.


Karl -have you appealed to the Rota?

-- Daniel (love@truth.org), March 26, 2003.

Jmj
Hello, Gordon.

I agree with the basic message that you were trying to impart to Karl. His messages did not make sense. They were a confused jumble -- a mixture of facts (some seemingly self-contradictory) and emotional complaints. His unwillingness to list the simple, basic facts (to help us know if he is being reasonable) force me to reject his whole story as either a fiction or an unjust trashing of the Church.

On the other hand, Gordon, I DISagree with a statement you made to Paul (assuming I have understood you correctly). You wrote:
"... concerning serious matter like sexual relations, outside of marriage, a sin still exists, but it's a venial sin. The ignorant, cannot be innocent, when it comes to serious matters, and that is why going to confession on a regular bases is important."

Actually premarital sexual relations are grave matter -- the matter of mortal sin, not venial sin, if done knowingly and deliberately.

On the other hand, "the ignorant" CAN "be innocent when it comes to serious matters." That is, they would be objectively guilty of serious wrongdoing, but would not incur any subjective guilt if they are ignorant of the sinfulness of their deed.

God bless you.
John

-- J. F. Gecik (jfgecik@hotmail.com), March 30, 2003.



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