An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said "Where are you going?"

He said "I'm going to the doctor."

She said "Are you sick?"

"No" he said "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife gets out of her rocker and starts putting her coat on.

He said "Where are you going?"

She said "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said "Why?"

She said "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

-- Carol (just@giggle.com), February 27, 2003

Answers

LOL. Thanks, Carol. Got anymore ? :-)

Hey! I got one too... There's these two octogenarians (that's someone in their eighties who only eats vegetables ;-), and they are gonna get married... Old man: "So, honey, what about money?"

Old woman: "No, worries, we'll have plenty."

Old Man: "And what about food?"

Old woman: "No worries, we'll have plenty."

Old man: "And, uh, what about sex?"

Old Woman: "I n f r e q u e n t l y"

Old Man. "Is that one word or two?"

-- (sonofdust@.thanks.carol), February 27, 2003.

So, THAT's what they laugh at in Oz, huh? Well, here's one with me and Rob in mind:

Every Saturday morning he's going fishing. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

-- Lon (lgal@exp.net), February 27, 2003.

And, there might be a few in here that you haven't heard yet. (I wonder if they have rednecks in Oz?)

You might be a redneck if,

* You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year. * You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. * The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year." * Your huntin' dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. * Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. * You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed. * It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. * You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors. * Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!" * The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just the men. * Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. * The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection. * You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. * You ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! * You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. * Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair. * In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?" * Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. * You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen,start your engines" * Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!" * You can belch and say your name at the same time. * You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid. * You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled Banner. * You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew. * You have scars on the back of your hand where Uncle Jeb stabbed you while you were reaching for the last piece of fried chicken. * Your bike has a gun rack on it. * The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day. * Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway to take a leak. * You ever had sex in a satellite dish. * You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possessions. * You ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions. * Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup. * After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon. * You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper. * Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey, Y'all watch this!" * Your two year old has more teeth than you do. * You refer to the duct tape on your car as "chrome." * Your truck stalled on the expressway. And you never went back for it. * You wish your outhouse were as nice as those at the state park. * The family business needs a lookout. * You've painted a car with house paint. * You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs.

-- Lon (lgal@exp.net), February 27, 2003.

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite withhis son.

Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.

After this goes on for awhile, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!"

-- Lon (lgal@exp.net), February 27, 2003.

Hey Lon! That first joke wasn't nice! (but it was funny ;-)

If I wasn't such a serious person I'm sure I would know hundreds more jokes...well, at least a couple dozen more....maybe half a dozen?

Three of four?

One?

poopie.

-- (sonofdust@notevergoing.fishingagain), February 27, 2003.

Thanks for the humor, everyone! This was sent to me from my nephew's wife. They have a one-year-old daughter. It's a little crude but funny:

Splish splash

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), February 27, 2003.

Thanks for the giggles everyone. I'll have to tell my hubby the fishing joke. Maybe he'll start taking me fishing again.

Up until last year we usually went fishing together. I know the rules. Bring hot coffee, wear lots of clothes coz we're not going home just because it's cold and don't pull your line in every 5 minutes or I wont rebait it for you.

However, last year he took me on an interstate trip (I'm better than no-doze) and we went to a big aquarium. I just loved the glass tunnel where you had huge stingrays swimming an inch over your head.

A week later we went surf fishing. Damn me if he didn't hook a stingray. It took an age to bring it in. I was even helpful. When he yelled for me to get the gaff I came back with the right tool!!! After that it all went pear-shaped.

I looked down at that big creature flapping around upside down and went to pieces. Do you have any idea how hard it is to turn a heavy, wet, slippery, grumpy stingray over? But he did it. He even got the hook out and we sent it on it's way.

Of course while this was going on, at least two cars full of fishermen drove along the previously empty beach, shaking their heads and looking sympathetically at my hubby.

It's been 12 months now, do you think he'll forget?

-- Carol (fishing@disaster.com), February 28, 2003.

Wow, Carol, they usually won't let me fish in the aquarium. In fact, me an' Iggie has got thrown out of the mall twice for tryin'.

----------

Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays: >

> Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. >

> His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. >

> He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one those boxes with a pinhole in it. >

> She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef. >

> She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. >

> Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. >

> He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. >

> The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM. >

> The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. >

> McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. >

> From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. >

> Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. >

> Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. >

> They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. >

> John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. >

> He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. >

> Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. >

> Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. >

> The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. >

> The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for awhile. >

> He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. >

> The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee(D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. >

> The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. >

> It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. >

> He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. >

> She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword. >

> Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. >

> She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. >

> Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. >

> It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. >

> The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

-- Lon (lgal@exp.net), February 28, 2003.

Wow, Carol, you fish too? That's my hobby, and come Spring I start up with the trout (freshwater fishing) and also fish in the ocean rivers/bays during March/April for flounder. THen comes the Striped Bass and Bluefish migrations. Fishing here in New Jersey is really good for most of the year. And even in winter, some of us trudge out onto the ice and try and coax a few up. This winter's been a good one, but I still can't wait for Spring. Wow! All this fishing talk has really got me excited! In fact, I think I'll go right now! (Uh, I probably won't be around for a while, but don't worry...as Arnie said "I'll be back." ;-)

-- (sonofdust@gone.fishin), February 28, 2003.

Lol Lon those are too funny, but it may be a long time before I eat vegetable soup again thanks to McBride(yuk). Thank you for making me laugh.

Rob we don't have lakes or decent rivers here, so it's the jetty or surf fishing for us. I know nothing about the right spot to fish or which bait to use, but I can cast without hitting hubby in the back of the head and I always fish down stream from him so I don't cross over his line. I just enjoy being out in the sea air, away from the TV and the 'phone, and it doesn't matter whether I catch anything or not (bad attitude I know).

Please allow me one motherly type nag. You be careful on that ice, it sounds dangerous. You don't want to finish up a Robsicle.

-- Carol (c@oz.com), March 02, 2003.

One nag (nice, motherly-type though) noted.

PS. Don't worry 'bout him fallin' through the ice. Up there in the collllllllllllllllllllllllllld frooooooooooooooooooooooooooozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeeen waters of the northland south of New York, the ice freezes all the way down to the premafrost.

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (cook.r@watchLondrinking.glug), March 02, 2003.

Okay Robert, I'll quit worrying, but it's what I do best. I guess he can look after himself and if he falls in, it will be easy to spot him by his red socks. I hope it's not too cold where you are. Cheers.

-- Carol (c@oz.com), March 03, 2003.

(PS His giggle juice will serve as anti-freeze....)

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (cook.r@watchLondrinking.glug), March 04, 2003.

Here is best joke is the history of best jokes:

What do you get when you give a snake viagra?

A baseball bat!

Oh and of course:

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eyed dear.

-- Jean Cook (cook.j@isnowonspring.break), March 04, 2003.

Lol Jean & Robert. I can't wait to go to work tomorrow to tell my mates we've got a snake under the counter. Hope you get some nice Spring weather for your hols. Cheers.

-- Carol (c@still.laughing.com), March 04, 2003.

Jean, how can you be on spring break when spring doesn't start until March 21st (approximately)? It's definitely still winter here! We had -27C (-17Funny degrees or so) this morning as I drove my daughters to school. Colder in the country, though, it was -31C(-23F) at the international airport this morning. Hmmmmm, maybe I could stow away on a plane heading south....

BTW, LOL at your snake bat!

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), March 04, 2003.

Hah!

Spring break my foot!

(Remember when it "used" to be Easter vacation? .... AND IT ISN'T EVEN ASH WEDNESDAY YET!)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (cook.r@watchLondrinking.glug), March 04, 2003.

Dang Tricia! And I had the heater on and fire going this morning when it was merely forty-something (that's ABOVE zero in either type of degrees!!!). I often wonder what it is like to live and function in that kind of weather, seriously. And if you head south, come on down my way!

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), March 04, 2003.

I guess your seasons change on the 1st of the month like ours. We are now officially Autumn. I know that in the UK the seasons start on the 20/21st of the month though, like Canada. At least you've got all the good weather to look forward to.

Tricia I can't imagine -27C. How on earth do you get the car started at that temp? Nevermind that, how do you make yourself get out of bed?

-- Carol (c@autumn.com), March 05, 2003.

Yah, yah ....

Heck +40 (in real degrees) is colllllllllllllllllld. At anything below -15 (in real degrees) your nostrils starts freezin' - if you rub your nose, you feel the ice crystals break.

We do the "official" seasons change at the equinox (like the old stonehinges did ... at least when they weren't swingin' and going to rock and roll concerts at the monument and whatnot.)

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (cook.r@watchLondrinking.glug), March 06, 2003.

Yuk Robert. Now I shall imagine you all walking around with crushed ice in your nose.

Sounds like Stonehenge was the place to be. I guess my ancestors were the original "rockers".

-- Carol (rock@on.com), March 06, 2003.

Hi Jean! (waving)

My daughter has Spring Break this next week.

Speaking of Stonehenge, anybody see Shanghai Knights? LOL!

Rob went fishing? Poopie!

Carol, I have a very clean nose. :-)

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), March 08, 2003.

There is no gravity.

Earth sucks.

-- Jean Cook (huh@whatsgoingon.hmmmtl), March 08, 2003.

LOLOLOL, Jean! You've obviously been around your father too much for your mental health :-D

Gayla, I hope you have a wonderful time with your daughter! Enjoy your spring... I'll be green, too. (With envy)

Robert, stonehinge??? Are you unhinged? Or just hanging out :-)

Carol, we have things called "block heaters" that sit by our radiators and act like electric blankets to keep the cars' engines from freezing solid. They plug in to electricity like electric blankets, but aren't really blankety, more like they turn our radiators into kettles. As for getting out of bed... hmm... I dunno how I manage to do that. Sometimes I don't :-)

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplaent.net), March 08, 2003.

Lol Jean. Lucky the earth sucks or I'd be falling off down here.

Gayla, I never doubted it. :)

Thanks for the explanation Tricia. Is that a good excuse for being late for work "I forgot to plug the lekky blanket thing in"?

-- Carol (c@down.under.com), March 10, 2003.

We call it plugging in the car (which may get confusing when electric cars become the vogue :-)

And yup, that's a great excuse as long as it's below -20C (-5Funny degrees).

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.ent), March 10, 2003.

We had block heaters back in the shipyard at Groton CT......

Every winter, since the shipyard welders were still welding and grinding and painting and machining right around us on duty in the engineroom as we baby-sat the reactor, they ran tens of thousands of cubic feet per minute of fresh (i.e.; cold/freezing/unwarm/outside/winter) air right through the compartment so we wouldn't choke on weld gasses and industrial fumes.

To keep at least part of us warm, we'd be in thermals and coveralls and overcoats and hard-hats, sitting on top of 5000 watt industrial heaters instead of chairs as we monitored the nuclear or piping tests. (Since chairs and desks hadn't been installed yet either.)

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (cook.r@rememberingRobt freeze.icicle), March 10, 2003.

Public Restroom

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

"Can I come over to your place after while?"

Ok, this question is really wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back, there's a crazy in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions - bye!"

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), March 13, 2003.

Robert. I honestly can't imagine working in such cold conditions. I hate the cold. Makes me just want to curl up and hibernate and our temps. aren't anywhere near as low as you all get. I wear so many layers of clothes when I go fishing at night, I look like the Michelin Man (tyres).

Good one Gayla. Perhaps if we make Tricia laugh enough, it will warm her up.

-- Carol (c@mild.com), March 14, 2003.

LOL, Gayla ;-)

Cold? We're talkin ' cold? How 'bout this one; there were at least 3 times this season when it was colder here in NJ than it was in Alaska!!!!!

poopie.

-- (sonofdust!@waiting.forSpring), March 14, 2003.

I was cleaning out my 'puter files and came across this one. It's about actual things posted in church newsletters:

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm - prayer and medication to follow.

* This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS. is done.

* The pastor would appreciate it is the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), March 14, 2003.

LOL, Gayla and Aunt Bee! Carol, I think it worked, their jokes have warmed me up :-D

Robert, I'd try to have a pity party for you, but there just isn't the room for it in my cold heart. Besides, you're *warm* now!

Rob, I hear they had to change the start point of the Iditarod because there was no snow, it's been so warm in Alaska. Unfortunately, I think our weather has been coming up from Siberia then down over the North Pole to haunt us since January! I'm looking forward to the wonderful rain from BC for the next month or two ;-) Where are you getting all your cold air from? (And don't blame Alberta! We just pass on what Siberia hands us.)

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), March 14, 2003.

"warm?" what warm? today it only got up to seventy and tomorrows supposed to be colder!

-- Jean (brrrrrrrrr@chilly.weather), March 15, 2003.

LOL Aunt Bee. Elecric girdles eh! Now that's what I call warm underwear. Perhaps we should order some for Tricia and Rob. Course you'd need a long extension cord.

-- Carol (c@oz.com), March 15, 2003.

How 'bout battery run ones? :-)

-- TRicia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.ent), March 15, 2003.