I am a 38 year old man. I have never been married in the Catholic church, however, I did live in a "common law" marriage for 2-3 years. I am presently actively involved in my spirituality, church community and Bible study.

Recently I met the daughter of a couple in my church and have begun seeing her. She is divorced with two young children. After intitialy meeting her, I decided that it wouldn't be fair for me to date her unless I was open to the prospect of marriage. I have opened myself to that possibility.

My faith leads me to believe that love is greater than the law, and I would be willing to challenge the moral authority of the Catholic church, should we decide that we want to spend out lives together. I understand that it is the teaching of the church that civil divorce is invalid, and therefore I could not lawfully marry this woman unless her former marriage were annulled.

What I know of her marriage is that it was short and turbulent, lasting about two and a half years, from marriage till civil divorce. I see some possibility of annullment there, but I don't know what she thinks of the idea or what it takes to obtain an annullment.

I guess what I'm asking for is some practical advice. I think that I am acting out of Christian values in opening myself to this relationship, yet at the same time I might be headed for a run-in with the church. I know that the church is not infallible in it's teachings, and yet I fear the possibility of alienating myself if I were to marry this woman.

Thank you, in advance, for your advice. Peace of Christ be with you.

-- Joe Coyle (jcoyle@comcast.net), February 23, 2003

Answers

Dear Joe,

You stated, "I know that the church is not infallible in it's teachings, and yet I fear the possibility of alienating myself if I were to marry this woman."

Actually, in Teachings on Faith and Morals, the Church IS indeed infallible. The Church speaks for God since God speaks through her. There is plenty of Biblical, as well as historical, proof to back up the Church's God-given Authority. Therefore, you will do more than simply have a "run in" with the Church; you will likewise have a "run in" with God.

Although your friend's previous marriage may have only lasted 2 years, it may have truly been a valid marriage (especially since there are children involved. If it was a valid marriage, it would not be within Christian values to pursue this relationship, as you would then be interfering with her and her spouses Sacramental bond; their Sacramental journey to lead each other to Heaven. Not to mention the emotional distress you might be imparting on her children. More often then not, in the hype of the parents search for THEIR own futures, the children's futures are pushed away. Pretty selfish in my humble opinion. What's more, your friend had made vows to be with her husband through good times and bad, and now she (for whatever reason) has backed out. I in no way am judging, just simply observing, but although this may be a trivial thing; it should bother you that in the future you might be in the same position as her current spouse.

To elaborate on the Churches infallible teaching: Marriage is a Sacrament. As such, it is an outward sign, instituted by Christ to give Grace. Now, there are seven Sacraments within Christ's Church. Each one, as it's definition suggests, is a "sign". Because all seven are signs, which lead us to Christ by virtue of the Grace they give us through God, they are the most important aspects of our spiritual journey with Christ! What Marriage signifies is the marriage between Christ and His Church. St. Paul tells us, "husbands love your wives, as Christ loved the Church". This particular Sacrament is a journey, because it lasts the lifetime of the two recipients of the Sacrament! Your journey together may have rough times, just like your journey with Christ might be rough - but the goal of the two partners is to help each other make it to Christ! Therefore, if a valid marriage is interrupted in any way, shape, or form the sign of your fidelity to Christ is also interrupted.

It is in your best interest to talk to a priest. Seek an annulment, which is the process by the Church in determining if the Marriage really existed (different from divorce, which simply dissolves the marriage bond civilly, though in the Eyes of God it still is there). If the Church finds that your friend was never really Married, then it would be morally "okay", and "Christian" of you to pursue the relationship. If however the Church declares that there was a Marriage, then there is nothing you can do (or "any man" can do - as Jesus said) to break the bond. You may civilly marry her, and quite possibly live happily ever after (although her kids are a different story). Nonetheless, because you have effectively destroyed the journey of a husband and wife (signifying Christ and His Church), although you may have enjoyed earthly pleasure, unless you repent of this sin, far be it from me to know what God has planned for you, you may have forfeited the more delightful pleasures in Heaven.

My prayers are with you, Joe. May God lead you on the right path.

In Christ.

-- Jake Huether (jake_huether@yahoo.com), February 24, 2003.