Mid-life crisis - Catholic in love with twice-divorced man

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As a faithful, Catholic woman I have fallen in love for the first time in my life -- a real mid-life crisis at age 50! The problem is that it is with a twice-divorced man. He was baptized as a child in a Protestant faith, had a crisis of faith in his teen years, and avoids churches to this day. He was previously married both times in a Unitarian Church, to Catholic women, for wrong reasons that he recognized after the marriages, but stayed in each marriage for over 12 years because he values the importance of commitment and trying to work things out. No children are involved. We believe that our love is real, we have discussed potential problems (age, financial, illness, religion - he has no problem with me practicing my faith, and, in fact, encourages it), we are both committed to a lifetime relationship, and we have both agreed to do whatever it takes to make that happen. So what will it take? Is there any hope for me in this relationship, since I desire to remain faithful to my Catholic faith?

-- (cactaylorep@hotmail.com), January 08, 2003

Answers

Your best bet is to first talk to a Catholic priest. You can start by mentioning it in the confessional if you want, but better yet, make an appointment, and sit down and talk this over.

It quite possible the Church does not recognize his two former marriages, but I'm not sure.

I would suggest that you limit the affection you show this man, until you have things clarified by the Church. Sounds cold, but like you said, your faith is important to you.

-- Gordon (gvink@yahoo.com), January 09, 2003.


Good advice, Gordon.
"Cactaylorep" stated: "He was previously married both times in a Unitarian Church, to Catholic women ..."
If those women were really Catholic at the time of the ceremonies, then he never really married either (unless one of them had her bishop's permission to marry in a Unitarian church building). It will take a ruling of the diocesan tribunal to know whether or not the man was ever validly married.
God bless you.
John

-- J. F. Gecik (jfgecik@hotmail.com), January 11, 2003.

Thanks for the advice. There is no hope in this relationship. Today I chose my Faith over living with the man until marriage was possible - at least 5 years from now due to a legal situation. Circumstances required one of us to move 800 miles to be together; he was committed to us being together under any circumstances and was willing to make the move but only if we could live together, and I was not. How did the saints ever choose death over abandoning their Faith? I hurt so much right now. At least in death the pain would be gone. (I am NOT contemplating suicide.) How can I find comfort in my Faith? There are but three things that last: faith, hope and love, and the greatest of these is love. I've given up on love. The hope of us being together is gone. All I have left is faith. I don't know that it's enough.

-- (cactaylorep@hotmail.com), January 21, 2003.

"Cactaylorep", I am so sorry to hear that things did not work out. I know exactly how you feel, as a girlfriend who I loved so much, left me recently, and I went through emotional agony for a couple of months. I don't know what to say, except pray your way out of it, begging God to give you strength.

Is the situation that hopeless? Can you not sit down with this man and with a priest and discuss the situation? I mean, if he truly loves you, he would live nearby and respect your faith, and be your friend, waiting for the day, that you both can marry.

I will pray a novena to the Mother of God for you, that you find a solution in all of this. She is full of mercy and love, and she would like nothing better than to see you happy. Let us see, what she will ask her son, Our Lord, for you, as he cannot refuse her requests!

-- Gordon (gvink@yahoo.com), January 21, 2003.


Thank you, Gordon. The situation appears hopeless. We did discuss the possibility of him moving here and living nearby, but it is not financially possible. He is 60 years old, and waiting 5 years for me is not something he wants to do at this stage of his life. I was able to overcome all my fears and doubts about living with him, except when it came to my Faith. That was the deciding factor. When he left this morning, it was with the understanding that I would never see him or hear from him again. Thank you for your prayers. I am desperate for some sign that I made the right decision in this matter. Right now, all I feel is deep pain inside.

-- Carol Ann (cactaylorep@hotmail.com), January 21, 2003.


Thank you, Gordon. The situation appears hopeless. We did discuss the possibility of him moving here and living nearby, but it is not financially possible. He is 60 years old, and waiting 5 years for me is not something he wants to do at this stage of his life. I was able to overcome all my fears and doubts about living with him, except when it came to my Faith. That was the deciding factor. When he left this morning, it was with the understanding that I would never see him or hear from him again. He is very deeply hurt by my decision. Thank you for your prayers. Please pray for both of us. I am desperate for some sign that I made the right decision in this matter. Right now, all I feel is deep pain inside.

-- Carol Ann (carolann01@comcast.net), January 21, 2003.

> "Thank you for your prayers. Please pray for both of us."

I will include both of you in the novena I am praying.

> "I am desperate for some sign that I made the right decision in this matter. Right now, all I feel is deep pain inside."

That's a tough one. I know the pain you are going through, and the loneliness you must be feeling. I don't know what to say, as no words can really be a balm over such suffering.

I don't want to drag things out for you, but I think maybe you should discuss this with other people, like a priest, friends, family, etc., to see if things can be salvaged. Someone might have an ideal, that you can present to this man, that will make things workout in the end.

God bless you Carol Ann, and I really do hope that you will be happy after all of this.

I hope that others here will keep you in their prayers.

-- Gordon (gvink@yahoo.com), January 22, 2003.


Faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love. But let's not confuse love with infatuation or physical attraction, which are both VERY powerful emotions. Love is pure. If your gentleman friend stipulated an on-going (5 year) impure sexual relationship prior to being able to commit, then I would say his concept of commitment falls short of nobility and honor. Try to see him for what he really is, rather than what you thought he was. I think it will help ease the pain you feel in this lost relationship. Do pray to the Lord for discernment in your vocation, and if it is His will that you should have a vocation of marriage, then pray, too, for your future spouse! The man God sends would surely be a blessing. Keep the Faith. Pax Christi

-- Anna <>< (FloweroftheHour@hotmail.com), January 23, 2003.

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