RAGING RIVERS By LARRY CELONA and RITA DELFINER

December 21, 2002 -- "Can we talk?" is cops' question for Joan Rivers after the caustic comedian threw a hissy fit - and a marking pen - that struck a clerk in the eye at an East Side car rental agency yesterday, authorities said.

The incident, in which she allegedly tossed a curse as well as a yellow marker, happened at Dollar Rent A Car at Lexington Avenue and 84th Street, where she has a leasing plan, a police source said.

Rivers, known for her acidic red-carpet fashion commentary, went to Dollar with her driver at 2:20 p.m., the source said. His name is on the lease plan and Rivers, 69, wanted to add hers, the source said. The driver went in alone. There were two people ahead of him on line and he got tired of waiting and left, the source said. Then Rivers allegedly stormed in and went up to the female clerk behind the counter.

"Don't you know who the f- - - I am?" Rivers asked her, a police source told The Post.

"How could you let me wait on line? You stupid . . . bitch!" the police source quoted Rivers saying.

She then allegedly threw the marker, which hit the woman, and left.

Rivers then drove off in an SUV, witnesses told cops.

A surveillance tape is believed to have captured the alleged incident, cops said.

The clerk, who was taken to Lenox Hill Hospital, declined comment. The hospital said she had a contusion to the eyelid, a police source said.

The 38-year-old Bronx resident filed a formal report.

Cops want to discuss the matter with Rivers. Last night, two detectives went to her home off Fifth Avenue, but she is out of town and due back tomorrow evening, police sources said.

Rivers' publicist, Richard Grant, said yesterday afternoon he had not spoken to her.

"She started her holiday vacation today," he said. "Joan has a deal with Dollar Rent A Car. When she needs a car, it's there for her.

"When she went to pick up the car, there was some misunderstanding and Joan got into a disagreement with the woman behind the counter.

"Eventually, Joan got her car and left," he said.

A police source said that if the clerk's allegations are substantiated, Rivers might be charged with third-degree assault.

-- Anonymous, December 21, 2002

Answers

If she threw the pen, she deserves the charge, and punishment. No matter what the 'discussion' was like.

-- Anonymous, December 22, 2002

I happen to know for a fact that most of the workers at that counter are black. If Rivers made ANY racial remarks to this clerk, I hope the lawsuit strips her naked.

They will not rent to God Almighty unless His Holy Name is on the rental agreement. They will not take the word of one of God's Holy Angels that God Almighty is waiting impatiently outside. They will not take God Almighty out of turn, because this is America, and first come -- first served. I happen to have spoken with many of these clerks, and they are nearly superhuman in their efforts to serve everyone as quickly and as politely as possible, and they have to obey numerous legal and corporate standards while doing it. Many customers abuse them, and yet during the attack, they lived in that office, unable to go home, and they still served as many people as they could.

-- Anonymous, December 22, 2002

Oh helen, does it Hertz?

-- Anonymous, December 23, 2002