My son is in the navy, has been physically,emotionally and verbally abused by his wife, about to be ex in a matter of days, lives in san diego,ca and needs help desperately, she suffers from a personality disorder and was discharged from the military on those grounds,very intelligent and has him by the tip of his fingers, they (military) had HIM in anger management classes because of allegations she made, they were only together a matter of 6 months and she left him but was pregnant and now is accusing HIM of things totally untrue..HELP..this is such a situation he feels hopeless and helpless against this 20 year old psychotic that comes across as totally innocent,she has left the child with her parents since sept and has only seen him once and he is seeking custody..it is as if he has no rights period against a woman??? PLEASE PLEASE HELP me ..Thank you....

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2002

Answers

Not really an answer but hopefully my VERY similar story will provide some comfort and direction. It was Sunday night September 22nd 2002. I was in the kitchen finishing up baking "ice cream cone" muffins with one of my little girls, Alexandra, to bring to school tomorrow for her 7th birhtday. There was a knock at the door around 9:30 pm. My 15-year-old stepdaughter answered the door, came and got me in the kichen saying, "somebody wants to talk to you". I went to the door and two policemen were standing there, one asked, "do you know why we're here"? my reply was, "I'm not exactly sure", although I had an idea this had something to do with September 19th, 2002. On Tuesday Septmeber 17th I made an oral agreement with my ex-wife to swap weekends so that my wife and I could throw a family party for my soon to be 7 year old. My ex-wife and I have been seperated and divorced almost 4 years, and although there have been difficulties, my wife and I have made the necessary concessions to make sure things work out for the children's sake. On Thursday evening September 19th, 2002 my wife was gone bringing one of her childeren to her ex-husband. My ex-wife arrived at my home angry and agitated because I was not able to meet her at the children's school as planned for this one specific evening. My home is about a mile and a half from the school, not a great difficulty either way. She had used her cell phone to call ahead and tell my 9 year old daughter that she was coming, so we were expecting her. As she was standing in the open front doorway goading the children to hurry up and get their shoes on I asked her from my living room, about ten feet away, what time she wanted me to come over tomorrow night to pick up the girls for the birthday party. She said, "what the F--- are you talking about"? I went over the conversation we had on Tuesday night and the agreement we had to switch weekends. As the custodial parent, I would be having them two weekends in a row, I agreed to let her have them the following two weekends. An arguement ensued and I told my ex-wife to get out of my house. As I moved closer to the open front doorway she was standing in, I again told her to get out of my house, enraged she looked at me and said, "No"! Again I said get out of my house and reached for the door when she pushed the door into me and grabbed my arm. I tried to restrain her all the while in disbelief saying, "what are you doing, get out of my house"? There was an incident that evening in my home, a home my ex- wife had never lived in nor had any financial interest in. Back to Sunday night September 22nd. Three days after the incident, as I stood in the same front doorway in disbelief, I was told that I was being arrested for Domestic Violence - 4th degree assault. I was "allowed" to say goodnight to my girls, who were visibly upset and shaken. I was taken outside to one of the police cruisers, handcuffed while my 15 year old looked on through the front window hysterical, and taken to the police station in where months earlier I was being interviewed for a position as a police officer. I was not given my miranda rights, and my four minor children were left in the house alone without any adult supervision. Handcuffed in the back of a police car, at this point I'm thinking, "how is it a successful self-employed businessman in the community with an honorable discharge from the armed services and volunteer involvement in the community, including boys and girls clubs, could have an embittered ex-spouse, with a very "colorful" background, make an accusation against him that places him in jail?" The charge of "Domestic Violence". I was taken to jail in handcuffs where I spent the next 15 hours. I was transported from jail to Court publicly where I was moved from the car to the courthouse in prison garb and handcuffs. I've always believed in humility but now I was getting a lesson in humiliation. In court I of course pleaded NOT guilty, was taken back to the jail and released. Their was never a no-contact or restraining order placed against me by the court. I immediately issued my own personal no contact order against my ex- wife believeing now that she would use any means to damage what is a healthy, happy home out of anger and jealousy. I returned home on the afternoon of my daughters 7th birthday. After a night in jail and what will probably be $5000.00 in attorney's fees and court costs, I headed to court, an innocent man, to accept a "Stipulated Order of Continuence (SOC)" to avoid another 8-10 thousand in attorney's fees and court costs. I won't go into the details suffice to say I have 12 to 18 months of "follow up". My ex- wife, $3000.00 behind in child support, has had no costs, she has had the attorney for the City and the City itself do her bidding. Because of the absolutely obscene crime of Domestic Violence against women a "dragnet effect", if you will, has occured where any woman can make any accusation against any man and the man is automatically arrested per State law and City ordinances. As much as I feel the need to place this wake-up call, I also have no solution. I am against Domestic Violence and violence in general, any thinking man or woman with common sense would be. With that said, their MUST be a better solution than arresting innnocent parties because a jealous ex- spouse wants revenge. If you would like to read more about these types of cases against men check out www.batteredmen.com/cyoungdv.htm

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2002

Beatrice: As hard as it may seem to understand, in the eyes of the law, she's got pretty much a grasp on all the cards here and your son holds none. He's dealing with a party where terms like "rational" and "fair play" hold no meaning. The way the laws are currently interpreted by our society, its almost as though he's assumed to be guilty while she's assumed to be innocent. One of the worst things he can do is try to offer or accept any kind of appeasement to this woman because it only serves to strengthen the perverse idea she has that she still retains control over him. People like his ex can make a shambles of a life simply by sucking others into the idea that she's the victim, while she in fact continues to abuse him. My first thought is that you are dealing with a master manipulator and if that is the case, if you've not ascertained that this child is your son's you should do so medically before proceeding. If its not his child, then he should close the door permanantly and never allow this woman any form of contact, verbal, written, physical, electronic. If it is his, then he will need to be aware that he will be subjecting himself to this woman's control and manipulation until the child is of age to decide on its own whom it wishes to reside with. Its a hard trade off and a lot of hard decisions to be made. The above story is a prime example of how skewed our society is---when a man can't protect himself in his own home from an ex-wife's allegations, there's a problem.

-- Anonymous, December 23, 2002

I sit here each night at work and at the same time every night the same violence prevention ad comes on the radio. It is for anger management classes that are "available only for males that are abusive in the domestic setting". Says nothing for women, or abusive people. Just men.

After hearing the ad about a dozen times it finally bothered me enough that I called Bob Holmes of the violence prevention center to discuss the "male only" aspect of his radio ad. He immediately told me that DV is a 95% male issue, which is why they don't do female classes. As I tried to educate him on Federal stats, he became angry, and said that "men are bullies and push women around, that women don't do that. Do your statistics show the physical size of the perpetrator? Men are bigger than women." and hung up on me. . .

I urge you to contact Bob and let him know your thoughts.

For more information contact: Monterey County Violence Prevention Bob Holmes Tel. (831)647-0872 Fax. (831)372-2280 bholmes370@aol.com

-- Anonymous, December 31, 2002

" IT IS AS IF HE HAS NO RIGHTS PERIOD AGAINST A WOMAN "

BINGO.

Our justice system refuses to believe that women are anything less than perfect. If a women says it is true, then it is true. That is how it is. Oh by the way, I hope he isnt serious about trying to gain custody. Something tells me that if he tries and it looks like he has a chance, she will claim he is sexually molesting the child. Guess who the courts will believe ?

-- Anonymous, January 09, 2003

All I can offer is empathy. Here in Austin they believe anything the woman says. Hell, even in court, they caught her lying and I was still foung guilty. My only witness was one of the officers who did not believe her and my court appointed attorney dismissed him befor he could testify. I could go on and on. Good luck and stay as far away from her as possible. If she calls tape all conversations

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2003

I want to thank all of you for responding to my email. I am working on the battered men issue now starting with the legal system. I am very driven by this and will continue until someone finally says it is not OK for a female batterer to lie, manipulate, deceive and make allegations for her gain and completely control a man. As a man should have the same EQUAL rights as a woman, after all , I do believe that is what we asked for to start with so let it be. As a woman I am so appalled at this that it makes me sick and I had never heard of it until my own son was falsely accused and had no rights what so ever. I could not believe that this was really allowed by our justice system and will not accept it now or ever. Good Luck and I welcome your emails, they are a lot of comfort and will help along the way in my endeavor. Beatrice

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2003

I am 45 years old, have been married to an abusive,manipulative,controling woman for 20 years. Things are in the process of divorce at present. I have three sons ages of which are: 17,12,and 4. I will start at present and work back. My wife got mad one night,took my two younger sons and left. Reason of which was she found out I had went to file a protective order that day,per the recommendation of Prevail. The protective order was denied. Three days later my oldest son and myself were on our way to Walmart and seen my 2000 Dodge Ram at her cousins house. There were no restraining or protective orders at that time either way. My son and I went to a gas station, that was close, in order to find a phone. The pay phone did not work, and I had no cell ,because my wife had mine shut off. We were going to call the police, to see if they would accompany us to her cousins house, so we could see the other two boys. We decided to go back over by. Upon driving by, we seen her and my 12 year old getting in the truck. We pulled in the alley, calmly, I might add. I and my son got out of the car,of my fathers. I walked up to where I was almost in front of the right front of the truck, when all the sudden my wife goosed the truck a little, as if she were going to hit me. I dead stopped and just looked at her in disbelief. Then while looking directly at her, she hit the gas and hit me with the truck, knocking me down. She shouted "ahh did you see that Josh your dad jumped in front of the truck". I got up limping. I went over to the passenger side where Josh was at, telling him that I had been trying to talk to him when I had called his mother one night, she would not let me. She ranted and raved. I told her all I wanted was to hear my sons voice. She just said "well don't they deserve to have a choice". Then she finally said she would ask them. The phone went completely quiet, as though she just put her hand over the phone. She came back on and said they didn't want to, "that Josh was afraid to". I know better than this. I have never mistreated any of my kids ever. My sons and I have a very good relationship, especially when my wife is not around. There is no caos when she is gone. Forgive me if this seems and is so lengthy, but, I have hardly anyone to talk to. Back to the situation at the truck. When I said what I did to my son, she had her handy dandy cell phone in hand and said, "ahh they told me if you did this to call 911". I said "do what? "we just wanted to see the boys". This is when she started backing down the alley. My oldest son jumped in the car, and was going foward, I was still on foot, limping down the way. She had gotten to the other end of the alleyway, and angled into the street. My son pulled the car somewhat in front of the truck. She then rammed into the right front fender of my dads car. This pithed the car up violently. My son moved out of the way. She started back up the alleyway moving foward this time. My son had turded the car around and was behind her, at a safe distance. There was an icy patch about 20 feet long on the alley's surface. My wife just cleared the ice, then slammed on the brakes. My son hit the brakes while on the ice and slid into the back of the truck. She knew exactly what she was doing. She then used this whole event to go to the courthouse, and get a protective order against my son and I. My wife also rushed to her attorneys office to file for divorce. I am going to, at this point tell you a few things about my wife, and her mentality. She was raped twice when she was about 13, once at knife point. Her OBGYN, which she used for 15 years, attempted to kiss her in an exam room. She pursued a lawsuit, only to find that when she had filed for divorce twice last year, it hurt her case. Especially when he heard the part where she didn't even get custody of her kids,I did both times. My wife has a history of violence. It always had been directed at me most of the time; for instance: Hit me with a claw hammer 2" above the kneecap as hard as she could in 1992, jumped on the hood of our 1985 Laser and kicked the windshield in, with a bare foot. I was in the car about to start it when she did this. I was going to take a drive, to try and defuse her. Started on vacation a few years back, all the kids were asleep in the van, she didn't like something I said, which was "it seems like you would be happier if I wasn't here", she then punched me in the mouth,then about 3 seconds later she did it again. She was the one driving!! She has post traumatic stress disorder, high blood pressure, has had a hysterectomy when she was 36 years old. She also smokes dope. The first emergency custody hearing she admitted to smoking it 2 wks. prior to the hearing. She has a substantiated child abuse claim against her. They closed the case just recently, after having in home services as they call it. The case worker had sent it to the prosecutors office initially because she was being uncooperative. After finding this out she agreed to sign the papers. This originated from my oldest son confronting her about smoking pot, which he had caught her doing. She became extremely violent,and started punching our son, cutting his forhead with her diamond ring. THis happened in front of my 12 year old, my oldest son friend, and myself, before I could stop her. When the in home counseling started, she was quik to direct the attention toward him, and his behavior, to take any focus off of her. We just went for what was supposed to be the emergency custody hearing a week and a half ago. Prior to the proceedings getting started, the judge made the statement "I have never had a mother file a protective order against her own child". My son was made to sit there and listen to his mother testify to what kind of monster he was. He was in tears. She admitted to hitting me with the truck, to smoking pot, and the judge himself caught her in some lies. The judge outright got in her case about her hitting me with the truck. Saying that if I would have pressed charges she would be in prison right now,and that she would not see her youngest son until he was about 40 years old. He went on to say that the only reason she wanted a protective order, was to keep me from seeing my sons. The troubling thing to me is that the judge made the order so that my wife and I are to have no contact. She is to have no contact with our oldest son, because he seen a definite threat to him from her. I and my oldest son are to stay in the house, she keeps the two younger boys until we go back in a couple of weeks so he can sort this whole thing out. then he will decide who gets custody. I am to pay her 190.00 per week temporarily until he renders his decision. Then at the last of the hearing my wife spoke up to the judge and asked if she could have some kind of supervised visits with our oldest son! The judge, looking suprised said, mam you heard my order, now you want me to give you visitation with the son that you just testified that you were so deathly afraid of. I am so drained by this, and by her. One other thing the judge said was that when we go back for this all day hearing ,he didn't want to hear any heresay testimony. That he wanted to here from; Prevail, child welfare, Josh's physical therypist,my wifes phsycologist, so bring your evidence. There are so many more things that have happened i could probably almost write a book. please anyone give me some feedback.

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2003