By Beth Gillin Inquirer Staff Writer
A tradition that began with three wise men bearing gifts has come to this: etiquette guidelines for tipping the dog groomer, parking attendant and exterminator.
Junior's SAT tutor? Mom's manicurist? The guy who cleans the gutters? Families whose lives require a legion of service providers could, if they follow the experts' advice, easily spend $1,000 on holiday tips.
The list seems to grow longer each Christmas. This year, should you add your barista? Fido's cleanup crew? The sushi deliverer?
Managers of apartment buildings often send tenants memos listing appropriate gratuities for the superintendent, receptionist and doorman. At the 536-unit Hopkinson House on Washington Square, the guideline for tenants is $100 for desk and maintenance staff and another $100 for garage attendants - potentially a total of $107,200 in gratuities.
People who don't live in high-rises or employ golf pros are still expected to reward letter carriers and trash collectors.
"There are rules? Well, there's no shortage of people with opinions, I guess. For myself, the bottom line is that tips should be given only if there's a personal encounter," said Greg Gorman of Cherry Hill, an engineer with Lockheed Martin Corp.
"We get different mailmen all the time, and I never see the guy - I think it's a guy - who delivers the paper," Gorman said. He won't tip either one, he said, but plans to slip a few dollars to his mechanic and barber.
"Tip the trash man? He probably makes more money than I do," said Dottie Snelson, a hotel worker from Bristol. "The postman, too. They're just doing their jobs. If I give money to anybody for Christmas, it will be the homeless, who need it."
Still, it's hard to ignore the service providers' hints. Some newspaper deliverers tuck self-addressed, stamped envelopes in the daily paper, or enclose greeting cards listing the names of their children. Tip jars are prominently displayed at car washes and coffee bars. In some towns, haulers tape envelopes to customers' trash cans.
Empty envelopes "facilitate things," said Michael Lynn, associate professor of consumer behavior in Cornell University's School of Hotel Administration in Ithaca, N.Y. "If you wanted to tip your trash collector, how would you go about it? An envelope makes it easier.
"The downside is there's a little social pressure being exerted. And some people must wonder: 'If I don't leave a tip, is garbage going to spill out between the sidewalk and the dump truck every week?' "
Lynn, who has published 16 studies on tipping behavior, said that if the number of workers with their hands out seems to be exploding, it's because there are more people who can afford indulgences that were once limited to the very rich.
The upper and lower classes are expanding, while the middle is shrinking, Lynn said. As demand for dog walkers, housekeepers and pedicurists grows, so does the supply.
"I don't think we're getting richer. We've all just become more specialized," said Philadelphia's Mary Mitchell, also known as Ms. Demeanor, author of the etiquette book Class Acts.
"We've become laserlike in our approach to our jobs, so we hire workers to take on our other roles," Mitchell said.
It's no wonder confusion arises over how much to give the yoga instructor or car detailer, or whether to give at all.
"When people tip in restaurants and hair salons, they do it for social approval. They know what the norm is," Lynn said. Things are not so clear-cut outside those areas, he said.
Hence the proliferation of advice from the mavens of manners, who say a holiday tip is in order if a person has an ongoing relationship with a service provider. The amount should be based on length of relationship, quality of service, and what the giver can afford, they say.
Beyond that, suggestions vary. Etiquette International in New York advises $25 to $300 for a personal trainer; Ms. Demeanor and the Emily Post Institute say a week's fee. Some recommend $20 for a building superintendent; others $300. The nanny? One to three weeks' pay.
Some people tip the gas-station attendants, dry cleaners, butchers, and coffee-shop workers they encounter regularly.
One hard and fast rule: Don't give more than $20 to a U.S. Postal Service employee; taking more is a federal offense.
Some tip out of fear, convinced that, if they don't, the baby-sitter will stop taking their calls and the maitre d' will banish them to dining Siberia.
Some are haunted by guilt. "A tip at Christmas does not make up for a year of bad treatment," Mitchell said sternly.
Others are moved by generosity.
"I give the hair girl $20, the nail girl $10, and the postman and newspaper guy $10 apiece," said Ann Marie Holden, a government worker from Pennsauken. "The reason? That's what I'd want people to tip me, if I had one of those jobs."
According to a recent Wall Street Journal poll that asked whether they were planning to cut their holiday spending, respondents said they would give less to spouses and children - but not to those who pamper them.
Some respondents said they did not want to make times tougher for service-sector workers; others want to be thought well of by people who perform work for them.
Etiquette gurus say some people should never be tipped. It's insulting to give dough to doctors, lawyers or veterinarians; unmannerly to send moolah to a minister; and crass to hand cash to a teacher or coach. (Tipping a freelance tutor is fine.)
What if you're broke? Give homemade cookies or a fruit basket, suggests Peggy Post, director of the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt. Or write a gracious note.
-- Anonymous, December 15, 2002