A Redneck Nativity!

A Southern Nativity Scene:In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar'."

*******************************

THE CHURCH ORGANIST

MISS BEA, THE CHURCH ORGANIST, WAS IN HER 80's AND HAD NEVER BEEN MARRIED.

SHE WAS VERY MUCH ADMIRED FOR HER SWEETNESS AND KINDNESS TO ALL.

THE PASTOR CAME TO CALL ON HER ONE AFTERNOON EARLY IN THE SPRING, AND SHE WELCOMED HIM INTO HER VICTORIAN PARLOR. SHE INVITED HIM TO HAVE A SEAT WHILE SHE PREPARED A LITTLE TEA.

AS THE PASTOR SAT FACING HER OLD PUMP ORGAN, THE YOUNG MINISTER NOTICED A CUT GLASS BOWL SITTING ON TOP OF IT, FILLED WITH WATER.

IN THE WATER FLOATED, OF ALL THINGS, A CONDOM. IMAGINE HIS SHOCK AND SURPRISE. IMAGINE HIS CURIOSITY! SURELY MISS BEA HAD FLIPPED OR SOMETHING!

WHEN SHE RETURNED WITH TEA AND COOKIES, THEY BEGAN TO CHAT. THE PASTOR TRIED TO STIFLE HIS CURIOSITY ABOUT THE BOWL OF WATER AND ITS' STRANGE FLOATER, BUT SOON IT GOT THE BETTER OF HIM, AND HE COULD RESIST NO LONGER.

"MISS BEA," HE SAID, "I WONDER IF YOU WOULD TELL ME ABOUT THIS? (POINTING TO THE BOWL.)

"OH YES," SHE REPLIED, "ISN'T IT WONDERFUL? I WAS WALKING DOWNTOWN LAST FALL AND I FOUND THIS LITTLE PACKAGE ON THE GROUND. THE DIRECTIONS SAID TO PUT IT ON THE ORGAN, KEEP IT WET, AND IT WOULD PREVENT DISEASE."

"AND YOU KNOW...I HAVEN'T HAD A COLD ALL WINTER!"

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

*******************************************

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2002

Answers

noy really humor, but interesting

Just when you thought you knew everything....

1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl... Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.

4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca- Cola.

6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca- Cola over the terminals to bubble away corrosion.

7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

9.The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

10.To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.

11.The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2002

Funny!

This good looking man walks into an agents office and says "I want to be a movie-star". Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had all the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said "my name is Penis Van Lesbian." The agent said "sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name. "I will NOT change my name ! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever !" The agent said "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years..... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian !! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you." So be it!! I guess, we will not do business together" the guy said, and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck...who would possibly send him $50,000?? He reads the letter enclosed..... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely, Dick Van Dyke

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2002

SAR, I have regular coke, but I bought a can because I want to test its pH with my meter. I have always doubted that published account, but maybe it's true. I thought the acidity was mostly in the carbonation and that once the bubbles wore off it was a lot closer to neutral. At any rate, it's one of the great mysteries of life (to me) that I hope to resolve this winter. ;^)

-- Anonymous, December 10, 2002