[Guess you know what my response to this is, dontcha? Mostly four-letter words. Where is the Human Society of the US when you need them???]

Former US first feline Socks the cat, the ultimate insider of two Clinton administrations, will return home to Arkansas for the first time since leaving the White House and be honoured in a parade through the state's capital.

Socks will be the grand marshal of today's annual Little Rock Christmas parade.

The 11-year-old cat will lead the parade and ride aboard a vintage 1967 Ford Mustang convertible owned by former US President Bill Clinton.

It will mark the first return to Arkansas in about 10 years for the stray cat adopted by the Clinton family.

Holding Socks in the parade will be Jackye Parker, principal of a Little Rock elementary school named for Clinton, and some of the school's students.

Socks, so named by Chelsea Clinton in recognition of his four white paws, is an otherwise coal black cat adopted by the former president's daughter in 1991, while her father was still governor of Arkansas.

When Clinton won the presidency in 1992, Socks, by then a celebrity, moved to the White House with the family.

When Clinton's eight-year tenure as president ended, he and his wife, Hillary, moved to New York, from where the former first lady won a seat in the US Senate.

Chelsea Clinton, now studying at Oxford University in England, entrusted Socks to her father's White House secretary, Betty Currie of Washington, who is accompanying the cat to Little Rock.

"It will be quite a homecoming for Socks," said Linda Caillouet of the Little Rock Convention and Visitors Bureau.

"He has probably missed Arkansas terribly."

-- Anonymous, December 07, 2002

Answers

"He has probably missed Arkansas terribly."

How could anyone know? How does the cat know it left Arkansas? Does the cat have any idea where the borders of that state are? Does the cat even give a damn?

I hope it runs away after scratching the woman, causing all sorts of bedlam in the process.

Go Socks Go!

[I'd rather it scratched the beige ex-prez and his husband the senator]

-- Anonymous, December 07, 2002

OTUS THE HEAD CAT : Solstice parade marshal has to be a Socks surrogate

I don’t know who the heck they’ve got as parade marshal, but it ain’t Socks.

For weeks, Little Rock city fathers have been boasting that the former first cat will return to his birthplace to be grand marshal for the city’s annual Big Jubilee Nondenominational Winter Solstice Parade and State Capitol Lighting.

Socks was born in Little Rock in 1990 and adopted as a kitten by Chelsea Clinton.

The parade, which kicks off downtown today at 4 p.m., will end up at the Capitol for the gigantic nondenominational winter solstice lighting ceremony.

I’ve been informed, by a usually reliable highly placed source close to the top at the Bill Clinton library, that "Socks" will be riding in Clinton’s old Ford Mustang.

The vehicle is usually on display at the Museum of Automobiles on Petit Jean. They cleaned the McDonald’s wrappers out of the back and drove the thing down.

Riding with "Socks" will be the principal and some students from Clinton Elementary School.

When the parade gets to the Capitol, the surrogate Socks will flip a switch that will transform the building into a wonderland of solstice-savoring glory.

Winter solstice this year will occur at precisely 7:14 p.m., Dec. 21. It’s the official beginning of winter.

The flipping of the switch will also illuminate the new life-size diorama on the Capitol grounds depicting an ancient Middle Eastern family celebrating winter solstice in the ancient traditional manner.

The nondenominational display (made from mannequins on loan from Dillard’s) will include a mother, father and baby in swaddling clothes, and three of their solstice holiday visitors (who come bearing winter solstice gifts).

Included will be the family’s assorted sheep, goats and attendant shepherds and goatherds.

Gov. Mike Huckabee will be on hand to pronounce the display good and note that the lights separate the day from the night.

Then he shall rest.

There is no word on where the grand marshal will go after the ceremony. We don’t much care, since he’s not Socks.

You will recall that Socks was sent to live with the retired Betty Currie, Bill Clinton’s loyal secretary, when the Clintons vacated the White House.

Socks went to her farm in northern Virginia and Buddy the dog went with Clinton to the sprawling Clinton compound in Chappaqua, N. Y.

I’ve written before that the cat had too much inside poop from his years in the White House to remain at large.

Read once again these prescient words that appeared in this very space on Jan. 20, 2001. If you doubt me, look them up in the archives yourself: "Mark my words. There will be an ugly accident with a combine or hay baler. Perhaps there will be an unfortunate incident with a feral hog or coyote. Maybe Socks will just ‘disappear’ one day. Wouldn’t that be convenient? You see, the cat knows too much."

I was the butt of many a conspiracy joke on local radio for the next week.

Now read these words that appeared in an Associated Press article almost a year to the day after I wrote that column: "Former President Clinton’s dog Buddy, the frisky retriever who unhappily shared the White House with Socks the cat, was killed by a car outside the Clinton home.

" The 4-year-old chocolate Labrador ran from the home in Chappaqua on Wednesday afternoon, ‘playfully chasing a contractor who had just left the residence,’ said Lt. Charles Ferry of the New Castle police. "Ferry said the death was ‘ strictly an accident. ’"

My sources, which choose to remain anonymous, inform me that Socks was placed in the Federal Feline Protection Program at "an undisclosed location" the very next day.

Until next time, Kalaka urges you to attend the parade and lighting ceremony. Take photos of "Socks." Be on the lookout for suspicious characters. Disclaimer: Fayetteville-born Otus the Head Cat’s column of humorous fabrication appears every Saturday. Email his Owner at: michael _ storey@adg.ardemgaz.com

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2002