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Subject: New Drugs for Women - Some good ideas here ladies!
Damitol Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
St. MomŪs Wort Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-One-all When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
JackAsspirin Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Antitalksident A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamat When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
NO OFFENSE TO ANYONE AND NOT ALL OF THEM ARE LIKE THIS--BUT IT IS CUTE!
TWO YEAR DEGREE A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man.
That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too,can be a real man-as well as earn a MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas
Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers
SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (Elective) (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important
Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
Just a thought for all the women out there. MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day!!!...and when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
PERFECT MAN AND A PERFECT WOMAN
(Well worth the continued scrolling!)
Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Men Keep scrolling
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
Pretty Amazing Creatures...
We are pretty amazing creatures - don't you think! By the time the Lord made women, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An Angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?". And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands." The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. "Six pairs of hands! No Way!", "And that's just on the standard model?" the Angel asked. The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." But I can't!", the Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days. The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "but you have made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft", the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." "Will she be able to think?", asked the Angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate." The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." "That's not a leak," the Lord objected, "that's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the Angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride." The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything, for women are truly amazing." Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry hardships, they carry burdens but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have a lot to say and a lot to give. Pass this along to your women friends to remind them how amazing they are...
-- Anonymous, December 06, 2002