I GOT A QUESTION HERE...MAYBE SOMEBODY CAN FILL ME IN ON THE POLITICS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE... LET ME FIRST OF ALL SAY THAT I AGREE THAT WHEN YOUR "SPECIAL SOMEONE" USES VIOLENCE TO CONTROL ANY SITUATION ; THAT IT IS WRONG AND THAT IT IS A PROBLEM THAT NEEDS TO BE FIXED.......WITH THAT SAID LET ME GO INTO MY STORY HERE...

IN JULY 2000,,I WAS INVOLVED IN A CAR WRECK..I HAD SPINAL FUSION BACK SURGERY..I WAS LAID UP IN THE HOSPITAL FROM 7/15-7/28...ON 7/29 I WAS DISCHARGED TO MY HOUSE WITH MY EX-WIFE(WIFE AT THE TIME)..ON 8/3/00 I GOT MAD AT HER FOR NOT HELPING ME WITH MY MEDICATION AND I SMACKED HER IN THE ARM AND MOUTH WITH MY CANE....I WAS LATER WEELCHAIRED TO JAIL ON A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CHARGE. ON 10/4/00 AND $2,000 LATER I WAS SENTENCED TO 2 YRS PROBATION,,ONE YEAR MANDATED DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CLASSES AND A $1,000 FINE..THEN AFTER GOING THROUGH 8 MONTHS OF THERAPY OF LEARNING HOW TO WALK AGAIN I WAS DIVORCED ON 6/2001..GETTING STUCK WITH A PARENTING PLAN BY THE STATE OF WASHINGTON MY EX-WIFE WAS ALLOWED TO SIGN RELOCATION COURT PAPERS TO MOVE TO HENDERSON NEVADA..SHE NEVER MOVED!!! IN MAY/2002 I GATHERED UP ENOUGH MONEY TO GET A LAWYER TO FIND MY DAUGHTER...YES I HAD A DAUGHTER WITH MY EX-WIFE AND FROM AUG-00...TO SEPT 2002 I HAD NOT SEEN HER...ANYWAY,,FROM MAY OF 2002 TO SEPT-2002 I FOUGHT FOR MY LITTLE RIGHT IN MY PARENTING PLAN TO SEE MY DAUGHTER,,WITH CONTEMPT OF COURT CHARGES LOOMING MY EX-WIFE GAVE IN AND I STARTED TO SEE MY DAUGHTER IN SEPT-2002 TO NOV-2002 UNDER SUPERVISION...JUST RECENTLY I GRADUATED TO ONCE A WEEK 8 HOURS A DAY BY MYSELF..THIS STARTED ON NOV.9TH-2002..MY LAWYER IS STILL TRYING TO SEND MY EX-WIFE A MODIFIED PARENTING ORDER TO SECURE THIS...I SEE MY DAUGHTER ON SATURDAYS AND I PICK HER UP AT HER BABYSITTERS AND TAKE HER BACK TO THE BABYSITTERS....ON SUNDAYS,,THIS OF COURSE ALTERNATING WEEKS I PICK HER UP AT THE BABYSITTERS AND TAKE HER BACK TO HER MOM'S HOUSE...WELL I HAVE BEEN TAKING HER BACK TO THE BABYSITTERS HOUSE BECAUSE MY LAWYER TELLS ME THAT THE ADDRESS MY EX-WIFE GAVE MY LAWYER IS INCORRECT..THIS IS THE 2ND TIME FALSE INFORMATION HAS BEEN GIVEN TO MY LAWYER.......MY EX-WIFE IS NOT IN ANY ADDRESS CONFIDENTIALITY PROGRAM BECAUSE MY LAWYER WOULD HAVE TOLD ME.........SO HERE IS MY PROBLEM............

I AM REMARRIED AND RAISING MY 2ND DAUGHTER WHO IS 1 1/2 YRS OLD..THE THREE TIMES I HAVE GOTTEN MY DAUGHTER BY MY SELF I TAKE HER TO BREAKFAST AND THEN WE GO HOME TO MY HOUSE,,THERE SHE PLAYS WITH HER SISTER AND WE GO TO THE PARK....I HAVE A LOT TO LOSE HERE IF I REPEAT MY PAST....WHY IS IT THAT EVERY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE NEWSLETTER,,,T.V SHOW,,INTERNET,,ANYTHING ELSE PRINTED .....NEVER TALKS ABOUT THE REHABILITATED PEOPLE WHO USED VIOLENCE IN THE PAST...WHY IS IT THAT STATE GOVERNMENTS LIKE WASHINGTON STATE LIE AND HIDE EX-SPOUSES AND HELP KEEP THE KIDS AWAY FROM THE DADS...EVERYBODY WANTS THE PEOPLE PUNISHED FOR DOING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ,,,BUT NO HELP IS GIVEN WHEN THESE PEOPLE HAVE TRIED TO "PAY THEIR DUES" AND GO ON WITH LIFE...MY EX-WIFE HAS.......SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND AND GETS TWO CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS ,,,ONE FROM ME,,AND ANOTHER FROM HER EX-HUSBAND,,AND SHE WORKS...I AM PERMANENTLY DISABLED WITH A FIXED INCOME.....MY THEORY IS THAT THE ONLY ONE THAT IS GETTING REALLY HURT IS MY DAUGHTER...WITH ALL THE VERBAL TRASHING SHE HEARS FROM HER MAMA,,NOBODY DOES ANYTHING ABOUT THAT....MY DAUGHTER IS CURRENTLY 4 YRS OLD.....THATS PUTS HER 2 YRS OLD WHEN THIS STORY STARTS...YOU TELL ME HOW THIS IS FAIR...YOU TELL ME HOW MY DAUGHTER WILL NOT HAVE ANY EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS BECAUSE OF MY EX-WIFES SUCCESSFULL ATTEMPT AIDED BY THE STATE OF WASHINGTON TO TRY TO KEEP ME OUT OF HER LIFE...MY DAUGHTER IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS TO ME,.....

-- Anonymous, December 03, 2002

Answers

This is a good point. Everyone assumes that once an abuser, always an abuser. Ther ehave been so many cases of children being killed or seriously harmed by someone who was abusive in the past, so the system believes they can prevent this sort of thing by being over zealous and over protective. Unfortunately, all we have succeeded in doing is ripping families apart, and littering the country with broken homes. Children are being robbed of a relationship with both parents and we are raising a generation of unfeeling, cold children who are property of the Government. If some monster wants to kill a child, the current restraining orders and suprvised parenting arrangements are not going to stop them. But it protects the politicians and judges from being accused of doing nothing. Welcome to politics at work. When they send people to anger management classes, teh first thing you learn is that you cannot control anything except yourself. The system could stand to learn from that as well, because they can't control people like they think they can. They can only hurt families and children. Good job on facing your demons, because abuse is wrong in any flavor. Keep it up. Keep fighting for your child, she deserves it. Eventually she will be old enough to choose for herself. The system or your ex can NEVER stop you from being a good father, evein if the time is short. Make the most of that time and your child will feel it.

Last but not least, turn off your CAPS LOCK on your keyboard. "All CAPS" is considered yelling on the Internet. . .

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2002

My case, my life goes like this. We had been married for almost twenty years. Throughout the relationship we had suffered the usual trials and tribulations of life. We had a child, parents dieing, jobs changing, money issues, and so on. Nothing out of the ordinary but, with us, I was the partner that needed to talk about things. He was the partner to withdraw. It came to the point that you wouldnt know we were even friends, forget being married. We had gone thru marriage counseling. My final recommendation from the therapist was, "Kim, when you decide to leave this relationship, your husband will be one son-of-a-bitch." Yes, that put chills down my spine but we were seemingly doing better. Ten years later, he loses his job of 20+ years...things dont seem to be going well and I have surgery, close to death, my life is put into proper perspective and I decide I should begin to live life anew while I still have a chance. I ask him for a divorce. Then we have 9-11 and the world is on edge. He agrees to a separation but living within the same house, for our son's sake. Secretly he goes to a lawyer and finds out about this domestic violence movement. He comes home, states to me in a super empowered voice, "Kim, this house is not yours, that son is not yours, you dont have ONE thing here that belongs to you and I want you out of the house now!" I allowed my buttons to be pushed and I picked up the nearest thing, a two inch candle in glass and threw it at his computer monitor [the one he had become so addicted to in various chatrooms and porn sites] positioned away from him. He said, "Thats it, Im calling the police." And he did. By the way, his monitor was not damaged. They came, one helicopter, eight squad cars, and stormed into the house and threw me on the floor, threw on hand cuffs and I remained in jail for 11 days, in utter shock. Now, with a three year restraining order, protecting him from me, loss of house, car, and most of my personal belongings, and a son who, at 18 can make his own decisions, deciding to stay with his father, listening to his take on how terrible I am, I have lost everything, most of all my son. I go to anger management classes, 52, court ordered, paid $1000 to court, countless thousands to lawyers. I suppose, as my now exhusband says, "I wanted all this so he will make sure I get all that is coming to me." I am getting all that is coming to me, courteousy of the courts. My head is still spinning. In my anger management group, we are investigating why I am in the place I am in. I have learned that I should not trust and be nieve. No one will look out for me like I can. I shake my head, as I am constantly aware of violence in my daily life. Be it at work, in public or where ever. My exhusband worked the system. I want to thank the system for this. It will take me many many long hard years to figure out why this has happened. I am glad I had 18 years with my son. I tried to acknowledge daily to myself that it a priveledge to care for him and love him. If I did nothing else right in this world, it was be his mother. Maybe one day he will be able to see that I did my best but for now, I have to try to put myself first. I know....I didnt give an answer to anything, only maybe made it more confused...

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2003