How to approach mother about her behavior : LUSENET : Domestic Violence Accounts : One Thread

Dear readers:

I've just reconnected with my mother after 3 years of not talking to each other. We've had an extremely volatile relationship most of my life. Some of her behavior is down right scary and bizarre. She got my brother to beat me up once for telling a a guidance counselor I was depressed. She can be down right selfish and manipulative.

She used to kick me out of the house between ages 15-17 all the time. when I complained I wanted to go home, my mother would take me back (under the threat that my friend's parents would call the police on her). She would take me in, then throw me out again. I've gotten the feeling most of my life that I've been treated like a pawn. Family members would swoon over my poor mother and how horribly I treated her by "running away". I often never had to do anything wrong to get kicked out of the house or hit by my mother or brother.

Both my mother and brother are very verbally abusive. My brother used to threaten to kill me on a daily basis. My mother would often be home when he spoke to me like this. She enabled his behavior. She encouraged my brother to hit me one day because (according to my brother) I was being a whore. My mother told me that they had to hit me because the guidance counselor I had spoken to wanted to have coffee with her to discuss the distress I was in. My brother's threats began to move towards bringing guns and knives home. He threatened me one night by pointing a loaded pistol in my face. My mother was usually never home, out with friends, or just sitting in her room pretending this wasn't happening. She found the pistol one day and disposed of it by tossing it into a bush by a neighbour's house (very stupid). I feel like my mother has done these things to wash her hands of her responsibility towards me, and of her own guilt. Why didn't she just go to the police? It seems like she loves her stupid asshole son enough to not care about what happens to her daughter.

I don't admit to being perfect. I do have my own problems When my mother was doing alot of this to me she was in a abusive relationship herself (with a boyfriend) and she had just left a relationship with my stepfather who had sexually abused me.

I'm now 28 and I still find my mother to be emotionally unstable. My brother still threatens me verbally. I have contact through her because of the death of my grandfather (her father), and other family members.

My question is this; How do I tell my mother I'm in counseling now because of some of the abuse she and my brother put me through (I've never had any counseling for this until now). I find I don't know how to break it to them. I've broken things to them about their behavior before but they always have excuses and never any apologies. I sometimes just want to break off my relationship with them completely, but the rest of my family will probably abandon me. I would like to be left alone and respected for the boundaries I've never had in my family. I can't afford a legal separation.


-- Anonymous, December 01, 2002


My mother has been verbily abusive to me ever since I was born. I was molested at age 5 by a male babysitter she left me with to go party. I was also molested by other males while she was in the next room gambling. I was really scare to tell her about it. At age 8 I built up enough courage to tell her about it and she started to yell at me and calling me a liar right in from of my dad. They both did nothing and acted if nothing ever happened. That's just a little of what my mom put me through. I trained myself to put things in the back of my head and not dwell on them. For a long time I've always felt that I needed my mother's approval. I never mentioned all of the horrible things she put me through. I even let her be in my daughters life. I am 24 now. I'm watching my daughter grow and I can not believe that someone would treat their own daughter the way she treated me. I've put all of the things she done to me over the years in the back of my head and forgot about it, but now that my daughter is almost 5 a lot of things are coming back and almost haunting me. I stopped all contact with my mother and family. I told her how I felt what she did to me and how I havn't forgot. She was cryng and telling me to go to hell. She swore to me that I would need her someday. I told her that that day has already passed, and that when I did need her she wasn't there. I havn't spoke to her since and I've never felt better in my whole life. I feel as if a big weight has been lifted off of me. What I am trying to say is that you might want to keep your mother in your life because she is your mother but why if she won't admit she was wrong and continues to make excuses. Why would you want someone like that in you life?

-- Anonymous, January 18, 2003

Hi Lee

I thought I was the only one with a mother who hated them. You are a brave lady and I think you should get away from this woman as soon as you can. I have been physically and mentally abused for 40 years. I also thought things will get better, but instead they got worse. You are in my prayers

-- Anonymous, February 16, 2003

Lee, I am the product of sinister and covert mental and emotional abuse from my mother, and I agree with the previous posters, get those folks out of your life! Strive to forgive them, but also strive to clear them out of your space. Your brother is as much a victim as you are. He has been programmed to disrespect you and probably will not be able to form a loving relationship with any woman. Also, your mother was probably a victim of something. Her abusive relationships is a clue to her inability to rise above what happened to her, and mistreating you, the person who is most like her, including partnering with a male to abuse her own image, clearly shows that she is an abused person who defended by identifying with her abuser. It's all so sad, but it is no reason to have people like that in your life.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2003

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