Being evenly yoked in relationships : LUSENET : A.M.E. Today Discussion : One Thread

In another post there was a question about a pastor dating an unbeliever. I do not wish to judge someone else. But one of the posts made me think of something that I would like us to discuss on this board, and that is being in healthy spiritual relationships. I discuss this with my young people, for I feel it is important that GOD be an intregal part of our personal relationships. I know when I was younger and I was dating someone who was not a believer. I always thought that I could bring them to Christ. I remember sharing one day with a friend about a relationship that did not work out how hurt and disappointed I was. I was waiting for my friend to offer me some sympathy. He looked me squarely in the eye and said "Denise it was doomed from the beginning because you were not evenly yoked! the partner you chose did not believe in God, how could it work!" I learned a valuable lesson that day. I had not gone to God, I was doing the picking! DUH!!!!! As children of God we are royalty!! We are the children of the light, God does not want us with partners, who do not know him, for how can he use couples to glorify him. One of my young adults is a powerful role model, she has had several marriage proposals in the last two years. She has said no, both times because they do not profess Christ as their savior, I am so proud of her for having that discernment at the age of 20! As a pastor I counsel couples who are having problems in their marriages, they think it is financial, communication etc. But it is always a SPIRITUAL Problem. One or both are not grounded in Christ, many have gone to marriage counseling before to no avail. But when we get into scripture and discerning what God wants, change happens. I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. What does being "spiritually yoked" mean to you. Do you think the church should be discussing these topics in small group discussions? God bless.

-- Anonymous, November 28, 2002


Rev. Denise, I believe your friend said it frankly and correctly. But is being equally yoked and being spriritually yoked one in the same or is it a matter of semantics?? Yes, I feel that this is definitely a hot topic for small group discussions. Would a male have a different take on this than a female???

Lots to talk about...

-- Anonymous, November 30, 2002

Sis. Stephens it is always great to hear from you!!!! You pose a great question, do men see relationships differently in terms of being evenly yoked. I hope some of our brothers will respond. Speaking of brothers, where is Jazzman? I hope he is alright. Jazzman please post there is not truth to the rumor that Bill Dickens is headed in your direction and will eat you out of house and home. Bill is still in florida;-) Sis. Stephens thank you for the confirmation, I am going to run this pass my daughter who heads our young adult ministry and suggest we have small group discussion. Our church is very interesting in that the majority of us are single, including myself. So these topics need to be discussed. My Director of Men's Ministry is powerful!! He does not play when it comes to God and he will go to the work place of our men and visit with them about their personal relationships and them get back on track with God. So to my brothers what do you think? Is it harder for men to be in evenly yoked (spiritual relationships)? Let us know.

-- Anonymous, November 30, 2002

Hello Rev. Rogers,

What an exciting subject!!! I heard a minister say that christians should only date or marry other christians. I believe that this is very wise advice. Although quite single, I do believe that we single people should wait for God to provide us our spouses. God wants the best for us so why should we settle for anything less. If a single christian dates another nonchristian there is a possibility that the nonchristian could become saved. There is also the possibility that the christian could find themselves being deceived by our enemy and God's enemy into drifting away from the lifestyle of a christian.

I know that the single lifestyle can sometimes be rough but it is better to have peace of mind as a single person than to struggle with another person in a legal marriage. I say legal marriage because only God can join two people in holy matrimony.


-- Anonymous, December 03, 2002

Jazzman and others,

Is there a difference between legal marriage and God's marraige? I was taught as a youth, that God only bonds legally married people. If there is one without the other, can you be married legally and not married spritually. I am sure that the answer to this is yes, but what about the reverse?

Also what defines "yoked". Is that just the same beliefs in our Lord and his son, or does it include more?

Just wondering. I am not a member of this site, but I would like to learn.

-- Anonymous, December 09, 2002

Dear Sister Lynn,

I am a single person and by no means do I know as much about marriage as Professor Dickens, Rev. Paris, or others who are married on this board. Have you ever noticed how quiet married people get when the subject of marriage comes up for discussion? Well anyway, I believe that Jesus said it best in the New Testament when He told the woman who had 5 husbands that she has never been married and the one that she was with at that present time was not her husband. This statement by Jesus suggests that a legal marriage is not necessarily one formed by God. Likewise, Jesus was asked about divorce, He told the people asking him this question that as it was stated in Genesis that " What God has joined together, let no man put asunder. This statement suggests that only God can bring two people together in holy matrimony.

Even though it's natural for us single people to desire companionship we should focus more of our energies on pursuing the will of God for our lives. He has shown me that one can have peace of mind as a single person. I encourage all single people to draw closer to God everyday by bible study, prayer, good christian fellowship, and tell him your honest feelings about being single. It is a blessing to be single!!!


-- Anonymous, December 09, 2002

Amen Jazzman,

I love being single as well. I love me, especially my quiet time with myself. I don't get lonely because I am complete. Many women look to a man to make them complete, which I think causes problems. Too much pressure. We also don't allow a man to be a man, which also causes problems. (I think men should treat me like the princess that I am).

As for my present relationship we are equally yoked. As you know Pastor Denise, my spiritual understanding is more tolerant...therefore I think that best thing for people to do is make sure the you and your partner share the same spiritual understanding.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2002

To all:

I am not sure if I agree about the joys of being single, but that is most likely because I have been married for over 8 years. I do agree that both men and women have the wrong ideas about marraige. If you are not a whole person when you go into marraige, you are bound to be unhappy if you look to your spouse to make you whole. Only our Lord can do that.

But marraige is a wonderful place to be. It is also the most difficult, frustrating, and life altering state for which you can volunteer. I belive marraige and parenting are our Heavenly's father way of molding us into a better person. Both states can teach us the selflessness, and agape love that our Lord has for us. Both states are a fire that He uses to bring us forth in our most golden human state.

I guess this is why our Father teaches us to choose a mate that has chosen Him first.

-- Anonymous, December 17, 2002

WOW...... I stumbled across this board and I think I did for a reason I have been in a relationship with someone for almost 5 years now. I grew up in a Christian home. I was the middle child, so I was the one that had to venture out on her own to discover the world. I've gone to church, but never let it take my entire life. I want that now. I've wanted that for over a year or so now. Here is my problem am 32 and I want a family of my own o badly. I deeply love the man I'm dating. We've spoken about marriage several time, an agreed that we both want our children to go t church until they are 16 and old enough to make their own decisions. I was settled with that for awhile. Now I'm not so sure. I'm scared I could lose my chance to have a family and I love him and don't want to go through life without him, but he doesn't know God. I keep hoping and praying that by example I can/will lead him to Christ. I know that isn't n my hands, that decision is between him and God. I've been in torment that pat few months. I know that God has a plan for me - maybe I'm trying got make God's plan my plan. It's not just me that gets hurt here. Can I just tell my boyfriend this and see what happens from there? What exactly is "Putting it in God's hands"?

Thank you for reading this and I'm sorry to be an intruder. God bless each of you!


-- Anonymous, January 20, 2003


If he doesn't know God, he isn't the one for least not until he comes to know Jesus. Being married to a non-Christian can be a horrible experience. I could tell you heart-rending stories. Some call it being "spiritually single". My church has a number of women and men that attend without their spouses, and each one is filled with sadness over the situation. Their number one prayer is that their spouses get saved.

Also the Bible tells wives to be submitted to the authority of their husbands, including Christian wives married to non-Christian men. You'll want to have someone you can really trust to make yourself that vulnerable. If he doesn't have a living relationship with Christ, if he isn't submitted himself to the control of the Holy Spirit, you can't trust him. You'll be setting yourself under submission to one who is still under satanic influence. Maybe he'll come around, but maybe he won't. In the meantime you're stuck for life.

Truthfully, if you're a Christian you shouldn't even be dating a non- believer. Dating non-believers only stirs attractions and temptations that shouldn't exist. If it's God's will for you to be married He'll lead you to a Godly man in His perfect timing...if you're a Godly woman.

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2003

Wendi you are NOT AN INTRUDER! We welcome you to this board with loving arms just as Christ welcomes you. I cannot tell you what to do, but I do sense their is some uneasiness already in your relationship. You have been dating for five years and yet you have not married, their may be a reason for that. From what you have said God is calling you to him for a deeper more personal relationship. And when you have that relationship he will protect you and provide for all of your needs including a mate. As I have shared in a previous post I too have had been in a relationship where the person was not a believer. I thought I could bring him to Christ, I thought my love for them would be enough to motivate him to go to church and seek God. He never did, not only did he not go to church he didn't want me to go either. This was many, many years ago. I am still single and I wait on the Lord. I will tell you this, there is a joy and power having someone in your life who is a believer, someone who will pray for you, someone who will go to church with you, someone who will grow spiritually with God with you. One of the common denominators we see in long term marriages is that both individuals have a relationship with God and go to church together. God wants you to have the best! And in terms of turning it over to God. It means to pray about and ask God's help and trust his answer.

-- Anonymous, January 20, 2003

I've just begun to try and make my life right and follow God's will in my life. I haven't always had that focus. I've tried to control my life on my own. I know that's been wrong and I want to live a life that makes God and myself proud.

How do I present this to him without pushing him away from Christ? I feel like I'm abandoning him.

If believers and non-believers aren't suppose to be mingled in with one another, how would a non-believer ever become a believer?

In my heart I know what God wants me to do. When I hear his (my boyfriends) voice or look into his face my heart breaks for him. He's been through some really difficult things in his life and I would be yet another person to abandon him. That breaks my heart. It makes me feel so selfish. I do want a husband that can strengthen me spiritually - I haven't always had that wish/need in my life. I do now. I just don't want to hurt him or abandon him in a way that could possibly keep him from ever looking to Christ.

Does this make sense?


-- Anonymous, January 21, 2003

You raised several points. As far as believers and unbelievers "mingling", we're not prohibited from having friendships. We just can't marry. By extension we shouldn't date them either. In our culture such courting is investigating a person for possible marriage. If they're not a Christian they're automatically ruled out as a marriage prospect, so don't put yourself in a place of temptation.

As far as telling him, you should be honest with him. Tell him that your straying from God allowed you to enter into a relationship you shouldn't have - the one with him. Explain how Christians can only have romantic relationships with other Christians, and it's your fault for entering into it. You should have limited it to friendship all along, and now that you're returning to Christ that's the way it'll have to be. If he becomes a Christian you'll reconsider.

If he feels rejected, tell him you're sorry, but until he becomes a Christian that's the way it is. Actually though, any feelings of rejection he feels are those he accepts. In other words, he chooses to feel rejected. No one can place rejection on us unless we accept it.

As far as his ever becoming a Christian, that's his responsibility too. Don't blame yourself for decisions that are completely his. Encourage him to seek the Lord, and stay with that.

-- Anonymous, January 21, 2003

To all:

Thank you for listening and answering my questions. One last request. Please pray for me. Pray for forgiviness that I let myself stray from His guidance. Pray for courage & strength for the job I have ahead of me. Pray for Greg .... for him to find Christ and there to be a relationship built there.

God bless each of you. Thank you...

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2003

Wendi I will pray for you and your situation. God has forgiven you, he loves you so much and he has sent his son Jesus to be with you. Remember all things work for good for those that love him. It is your love for Christ that will strengthen you. I will also pray for Greg that he gives his life to God. Keep posting on the board you have people that care about you.

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2003

To all (esp. Rev. Denise Rogers): Yesterday was probably the hardest and worse day of my life. In order to follow God's will in my life, I broke off my 5 year relationship with Greg. I know that with him being a Christian, our relationship would have been too. Thank you all of your words of support and guidance, but I have to tell you I'm feeling pretty lost right now. I know that God is with me and I'm trying to remember that, but it's not stopping my pain right now! I can't stand the idea that I've hurt him..... I just can't stand it! I came to be with my family to get through the weekend, but the next few days, weeks, months are going to be the hardest of my life.

Another prayer request..... that Greg find Christ and that we both get through this. I totally trust God and I know I've done the right thing, through only that I have hope. The earthly human me is sad beyond measure and has never felt more lost or alone. God bless each of you for reading and caring about this situation. I love you all.


-- Anonymous, January 26, 2003

Wendi, email me privately. I want to be there for you. And I know your pain is great for I have felt that pain before also. In the mean time I find it helps the healing process if I am in constant prayer and I give service to others. It helps me take my mind off of my problems. Perhaps volunteering at a food bank, nursing home, helping an elderly person in your church. God can and will heal all wounds. God loves you so much and so do I. Please email me.

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2003

Praise the Lord everyone! I must say, your topic for discussion is very interesting. I was married for less than 3 months when I realized I'd made a mistake. You see, every relationship that I've had with a man has been devastating. Almost to the point where, I blamed myself and said I deserved every bad thing that happened to me. I was at a point in my life where nothing seemed to matter. Through prayer and God's mercy I made it through. That was three years ago. When I met my husband I thought I spiritually strong. In fact I told it was important for two people to evenly yoked. I also had no problem with telling him about my relationship with God. I realize now that I was so busy trying to get my husband to accept my relationship with that I was blinded by his relationship without God. I know you wonder, how could this happen? How could I not see he didn't have a relationship with God? I did see it. There were many signs of an ungodly man. I guess I was too busy trying to prove to him and myself how godly I was. All I know is my wedding day was one of the most freightening experiences for me. The next day when I awoke I wanted to believe it was a dream. My honeymoon was terrible because my husband was very rude and disprectful towards other people. What have I done. Why couldn't I see the signs? How could I have chosen someone like this to be my husband. Our marriage became a nightmare as time went on. The emotional and mental abuse I've received from my husband is unthinkable. Now I know God didn't choose this man to be my husband. I did. My marriage was doomed from the start. I won't go into detail of what stage my marriage is in now. Everyday I'm in prayer and God is giving me discernment as well as confirmation that the changes in my life right now is God's will for my life. I thank God he is a God of a second chance. Single ladies & gentlemen, it you prefer to single, "Praise God" let your focus be on the "Lord". However, if you desire to be marrired, marry a man that loves the Lord, and there will be no reservations about the kind of husband he will be or to whom he serves.

God bless You! Nina

-- Anonymous, October 17, 2003

Nina, I will pray for you and your situation. Please don't beat yourself up. Men who are abusive have a lot of practice in manipulation and putting on a good front. As women many of us have been there with unhealthy relations. There is not greater joy, or excitement than to be in love with someone who loves God! To have someone who discusses the bible, pray with and for you. Attends church with you. I gave up 11 years ago picking out a partner for I thought I could bring my partner to God. It never worked. I am single, happy and I know God is working on the relationship part of my life. I am so proud of you Nina, for knowing you should not be abused. God loves you so much.

-- Anonymous, October 17, 2003

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