October 31, 2002, 9:00 a.m.

A parents’ guide.

By Susan & Dave Konig

ey parents, before you send those kids out there for trick or treating, be aware that many traditional costumes once considered "fun" are actually extremely offensive to most enlightened and attuned individuals. If you insist on dressing your kids in outfits that simply reinforce negative stereotypical images of marginalized behavioral prototypes, that's your business. But please, at least utilize the correct, socially approved nomenclature — for the sake of the children.

The Disenfranchised Externally Domiciled Person (formerly "The Hobo"): Very similar to the classic kids' "Hobo" getup, complete with adorable checkered-handkerchief-filled-with belongings-on-a-stick. Actually, exactly the same as the classic kids' "Hobo" getup, complete with adorable checkered- handkerchief-filled-with-belonging-on-a-stick. Only you can't say so out loud.

The Elder Statesmen (formerly "Scary Mummies"): Long forgotten ancient mummies rise from their dark lairs to raise evil spirits (and property taxes, income taxes, sales taxes, capital gains taxes....). Now available in Minnesota and New Jersey.

The Wiccan Priestess (formerly "Witch"): Wiccans are just like any other religion, only they stir up potions in big vats and cackle a lot and say things like "Hoot, hoot — eye of newt!" And they don't mean Gingrich! Just like the old "witch" costume except...well, except they're, um, Wiccan priestesses. Okay?

Frankenstein's Clone (formerly "Frankenstein's Monster"): Don't call him a "monster"! This bolt-necked, clompy-footed fellow can't help the fact that he was artificially engineered in a laboratory. He's not a stitched together creature of the undead; he's modern science at work. Remember — clones have feelings, too.

Formerly Living Person (formerly "Ghost"): When your child throws a sheet over his head and exclaims: "Boo! Look at me! I'm a scary ghost!" It is your responsibility to say; "No Billy, you're a life energy who has passed over to the other side with an inexplicable desire to converse on national television with John Edwards."

Corpuscle-aholic (formerly "Vampire"): We now know that Transylvanians, particularly members of the Transylvanian royal family such as counts, are genetically predisposed to compulsive nocturnal behavioral patterns and (how to put this politely?) "drinking problems." While one cannot condone their anti-social "acting out" (like biting people on the neck and turning into bats), one must learn to understand the underlying causes. Of course, admitting you have a problem (or, admitting that you sleep all day in a coffin wearing a tuxedo) is the first step. If you, or someone you've bitten on the neck, is a Corpuscle-aholic, ask for help. Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life (which, if you are an eternal creature of the undead, could be a really, really long time).

Follicle-ly Over-Stimulated Individuals (formerly "Werewolves"): Okay, there's no need for anyone to suffer from the symptoms of this rare and humiliating disease anymore. Modern-day methods of electrolysis, depilatory creams, and waxes and, of course, extensive therapy and prescription anti-depressants can help turn your half man/half animal into a socially acceptable gentleman. That is, if one accepts the conventional stereotypes of patriarchal male behavioral patterns.

Non-Human Family Members (formerly "Pets"): A Black Cat? A Playful Puppydog? A Funny Monkey?

Funny to whom? Exploiting these animals as "Halloween costumes" merely advocates other forms of animal "testing" and "forced domesticity." This year, when your three year old insists on dressing as a "kitty cat" for Halloween, remind him and/or her that she and/or he is not just "dressing up" as an "animal" but, rather, is representing a "different," but "equal" member of the "society of creatures," with all the "rights" and "entitlements" inherent in their "status" as "leg-enhanced" "entities." He and/or she will thank you for it.

Have a safe, happy, and socially aware Halloween.

— Susan Konig is a freelance writer and author of the book Why Animals Sleep So Close to the Road and other lies I tell my children. Comedian Dave Konig starred on Broadway in Grease! and won a New York Emmy as the co-host of Subway Q&A. He just completed his first novel Good Luck Mr. Gorsky. The Konigs are both NRO contributors.

-- Anonymous, October 31, 2002