Ok,

A girl I like hasn't emailed me for about four days now. I've been considering that she either doesn't check her email often or, she doesn't appreciate my letter to ask her out, or, she's playing hard to get. I know that this question is very unpredicatable. But I have the deepest crush in this girl, and a friend of mine asked her that I wanted to obtain her email, and she was very ecstatic to give it to her to give to me. That was six days ago. So I am confused. Is this girl fishing for compliments or what? It has been torture. I wonder if she is waiting for another email or what. Should I just give up? I would appreciate it if any girl in the forum could help me.

-- Anonymous, October 30, 2002

Answers

Wow, what a complicated mess you have gotten yourself into!

OK let's start with a story. I once heard the difference between men and women descried like this:

When it comes to emotions and communication women have a 12-foot satellite dish and a 1000-foot transmitting tower. By contrast, men have some rabbit ear antennae and a walkie-talkie transmitter.

Women are excellent communicators, so I would think your chance of getting this date is very slim. And any girl would be interested in giving her e-mail address to someone, remember, women love to talk, men love sex, both think any situation is a reason for them to do what they want. Ergo, we have your situation. She wants to chat about politics and bunnie rabbits and you think she wants you.

Now if you just jumped out there and asked her for a date, then you blew right by what she IS interested in: talking to you! The best method of getting a date is chatting with a girl.

You may want to modify your approach. Completely disregard your ?ask her out? letter and send another letter. In this one, do not mention the first letter (all girls will give you a pass on a mistake the first time you make it, except when it comes to sex). I would suggest a letter that discusses a topic SHE would be interested in! BUT don't be obvious. If she has one main topic that has dominated her life for the past few days or weeks, don't bring it up! (If SHE does, then you need to be on her side and discuss it)

You need to have at least 10 to 12 meaningful e-mails before asking her out. Right in the middle of some meaningful topic you simply say some thing like "I?d like to discuss it more, I?ll see you at "anyplace" tonight. ("Anyplace" is a specific public place: McDonald's, the library, a bookstore, a coffee shop, where ever, but not "the movies" or a fancy restaurant -- that is a "romantic date" and she will see right through you!)

This is crucial! Notice I didn't ask her out on a date, I TOLD her (very nicely) I wanted to talk to her, in person! And they want someone who will listen!!! Don't take everything she says and turn it into a "I had something like that happen..." story. Do give input and advice, but you should use the word "you" 10 times more than the word "I". GET it?

She will agree to this arrangement. This is your chance, if you blow this she will not forgive you. If you go to "fast" or you move the arrangement to "romantic date" status, you will be shut down hard!

Once you?re out there you only have your own wits to help you, but always talk. No kiss when it over either, sorry pal. This guarantees a second date.

The second date will probably need to be a "romantic date"

Remember that she wants to talk, to communicate, to exchange ideas...so let her.

JAY!

-- Anonymous, November 05, 2002

Hey Jay, thanks for glancing at my question. She replied yesterday, and boy did i get shut down...I got that generic line that girls use (See the thread on how to gracefully turn down guys). The works...no time, not looking to date anyone, no time really except for family, old friends...no time for me. I guess my appearance didn't do its thing. In any case she also included that she wants to hang out some time (with her friends of course). She naturally feels safer that way but i feel more intimidated, not to mention embarassed and humiliated by my actions. The question to you my fellow player, is do i still bother replying? I guess I still would liek to know what her deal is and what she is like. And perhaps it's just better to reply via emails since seeing her in person is very awkward. Do I hate her no, no reason to. That was my deal and I'm paying for the risk i took. She at least had the backbone to respond. One last time, do I bother responding to her reply, and if so, what should the message convey? It's hard enough knowing that there will be no romantic interlude between me and her...but I do not want to end my contact with this girl. I think she is worth knowing, and unlike many girls that I meet, this one may actually have substance...

-- Anonymous, November 05, 2002

I'm certainly not the expert that Jay sounds like, and in fact have similar problems of my own, but anyway, I'll give my two cents worth.

I say, yes, reply to her. Tell her straight out that you really like her, and HAD wanted to take her out because you think she's just so cool and all you wanted was just to know her a little better, that was all, but that you understand now that she's ....got no time / not looking to date someone / spending time with family / whatever.... and that you're really sorry if you had upset her by asking her out. Play the gracious gentleman to the hilt. Then thank her for having replied and wish her the best. And then don't ever write or call her again. Not even if she drops heavy hints to you. Not even if she calls or writes. At least not for some time. Make her wait.

You probably will bump into her, in the neighbourhood or when you're with friends, no matter, play it very cool. Be civil & polite & still talk to her about anything she wants to talk about, but don't show anything more than polite interest. If she tries to talk to you alone or be alone with you, give her some polite excuse ("I've got a million things to do") & stay away. Especially, don't let your behaviour or actions give her any reason to confirm that her earlier decision was right.

She might either start wondering why you aren't attracted to her any more, or wonder if she made the wrong decision in turning you down. The longer she's in this phase, the more her feelings & emotions will build up. When she's been in this phase long enough (I'd say about 20- 25 encounters, & she has to look like she's suffering a little), you might then casually ask her if she'd like to join you for coffee because one of your friends whom you're meeting is going to be an hour late. Before the hour's up, thank her & get away. Don't make any kind of dates. Turn her down if she suggests anything. After 2 more encounters, ask her if you could buy her lunch.

If she accepts your coffee invi, she's probably interested by now. If she didn't, sorry, I'd say she's probably in love with someone else. You can always wait until they hit a rough patch, then lend your shoulder for her to cry on. That actually works more often than not.

Well, good luck. Hope it works out. Now I'd like to hear Jay's two cents worth, actually more like $2 worth. He does have some interesting insights into these things.

Just a footnote: I suspect her ecstatic response to getting your email address was not about getting your address but about showing her interest in your friend. Don't take it too hard. This is the way life is. If it weren't, it wouldn't be interesting.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2002