17-year-old Ricky Higgins is suing his high school after he was kicked off the basketball team for driving drunk. He is suing for $100,000 and would like to be reinstated on the team. His lawyers claim that he is an alcoholic, and that his disability is covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Bernie Carson is suing PT's Show Club (a strip club) for $200,000. Carson claims that one of the strippers caused him "emotional distress, mental anguish, and indignity" when she bashed her breasts against his head. Carson also claimed to have been "bruised, confused, lacerated and made sore." The stripper's breasts are rumored to weigh up to 40 pounds each.

A West Virginia woman won more than $2 million after she hurt her back opening a pickle jar while at work.

An inmate in Tennessee, Gary Bradford Cone, is suing the state because they have taken away his "right" to possess pornography. (A new state law does not allow it.) Cone is on Death Row.

A phone-sex operator in Florida won a settlement after she filed for worker's compensation, saying she had suffered repetitive-motion injuries in both hands. The repetitive motion was the result of using her hands to give herself as many as seven orgasms a day while talking to clients.

A man filed a suit against his son's baseball team when he was asked to stop smoking so close to his kid's dugout. The father claimed that this caused his child great emotional distress. The judge fined the man and his lawyer $2,250 for filing a frivolous suit.

A lawsuit was settled out of court between a teen and a company that sold the nets used for basketball hoops. The boy lost two teeth when they got caught in the net while he was attempting to slam-dunk a ball. The settlement was for $50,000.

A man sued the city of San Diego for $5.4 million after he suffered emotional trauma at an Elton John concert in Municipal Stadium. The man says that a woman was using the men's urinal, a sight that he claims he found extremely upsetting.

A convict in Colorado sued for early release because, he said, "Everyone knows a con only serves about 3 years of a 10-year sentence."

Erica Bailey, 21, is suing for $1.5 million after the child she was babysitting hit her in the throat. Bailey claimed she could not live a normal life with her new, hoarse voice.

A man is suing a bank that he attempted to rob. After employees of the bank realized he was deaf, they were able to talk during the attempted robbery, which made it easy for them to stall the would-be robber until police arrived. The failed bank robber is suing the bank for discrimination.

Dorothy Johnson sued Kenmore Inc. for the death of her dog. After washing the poodle, she placed it in her Kenmore microwave, "just a few minutes, on low," to dry it off. The case was dismissed.

Two suspected drug dealers were shot in a gang-related war. The two sued the owners of the Ramada Inn parking lot where it occurred for $1.5 million in damages. The Florida hotel is appealing.

A 27-year-old man was killed while rocking a vending machine that tipped over on him. The man was attempting to steal a drink out of the machine. Relatives in New York are suing for $400,000 in damages.

An Arizona woman, Michele Nations, was walking through a park when she stumbled on a gopher hole, tripped, and sprained her ankle. She sued the city for failing to post a warning that such hazards might exist in the park. She won $450,000.

Jerry Williams sued and won $14,500 plus medical expenses after his neighbor's beagle bit him on the buttocks. The dog was on a chain in a fenced-in yard. Williams had been shooting the dog repeatedly with a pellet gun at the time of the incident.

A Canadian man is suing a New York coffee shop after suffering what he calls damage to his manhood. His penis was pinched between the toilet seat and bowl when he reached forward for toilet paper. He is asking for $1 million to compensate for his "dire and permanent" injuries. His wife is also suing for $500,000, claiming her husband cannot perform his marital duties. [crossing my legs now. ouch!]

NBC's "Tonight Show" was sued by a Cincinnati, Ohio man for injuries he sustained during the pre-show. He was injured when a free T-shirt, shot into the crowd with an air gun, struck him in the eye.

Carl Truman, 19, won $74,000 and medical expenses after he sued the neighbor who ran over his hand. His neighbor claimed that he did not realize Truman was stealing his hubcaps at the time.

Six nurses who worked at a facility for the disabled were fired after refusing to comply with new countywide rules that required them to give patients sexual assistance, such as helping them with masturbation or putting on a condom. The nurses have filed a lawsuit. [Hey, I just post em, I don't write em!]

A woman sued the company that makes the Clapper, the popular device for turning your lights off without getting up. The woman's suit claimed she "had to clap too hard to turn her appliances off."

A 10-year-old boy, Philip Garner, sued his landlord for $1 million. Young Garner claimed he suffered great distress after the toilet in his Bronx apartment exploded.

Ed O'Rourke of Florida filed a suit against several bars, asserting that they should not have served him alcohol. He is asking for compensation for injuries he suffered when he climbed an electrical transformer in his drunken state and received a 13,000-volt shock.

An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a party held for a guard who was leaving.

A convicted killer serving time in Florida has sued the state because lightning knocked out the prison's satellite-television service. The inmate must now watch network television programs, which he claims often contain profanity, violence, and other offensive material.

A Texan woman was awarded $780,000 after she sued a furniture store. She sued because she tripped and fell over a child running amok in the store. Surprisingly, she won the case, even though the child was her own.

A California woman sued a grocery store after she dropped a six-pack of beer on her feet. The woman was not injured, but she said that it hurt. She won the lawsuit.

The Anheuser-Busch Company was sued by a man for emotional distress, because he had no luck with the ladies after drinking their product.

A man riding his bike home from work at night with no lights, only reflectors, was hit by a Jeep after the driver ran a stop sign. The bicyclist sued the bike manufacturer because he was not warned that reflectors might not be enough to prevent an accident. The man was awarded $6 million.

-- Anonymous, October 29, 2002

Answers

No doubt about it. We're doomed, I tell ya.

Reminds me of the case I worked on for the defense, where a woman sued Pat O'Brien's (which sells only drinks and is best known for an enormous glass of mixed alcoholic beverages called a "Hurricane") because she was drunk and wearing high-heeled clunky shoes and fell downstairs, hurting her leg.

-- Anonymous, October 29, 2002