QUOTES THAT PROVE YOUR MENTAL SUPERIORITY....

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"     --a congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another." --George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services,Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman.

Hope these came through "neatly" and easy to read! My personal favorite is the one about the food stamps :-)!!

-- Anonymous, September 17, 2002

Answers

Apparently, speaking off the cuff is NOT a well-developed skill amongst these people! Not that I'm immune to that sort of thing . . . but at least no one is recording it! LOL!

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

I thought I saw that one attributed to GWB! I'm so confused . . .

-- Anonymous, September 17, 2002

I love it! Thanks for sharing.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 2002

My all time favorite was from a real whiney assed liberal that I worked with. She proclaimed "I am not predujiced and hate anyone who is or just claims to be." Even the political liberals in our group laughed openly at her and explained to her that she was exhibiting predjudice.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 2002

Dear Mr. Jesus: As an unempoloyed carpenter and an itinerant preacher you have previously been eligible for public assistance however we regret to inform you that "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services,Greenville, South Carolina

And lets not forget MIchael Douglas being profound "Love is the ultimate form of caring" just recently seen on the tube.

-- Anonymous, September 17, 2002

The one attributed to Al Gore is, in fact, another Dan Quayle 'gem'. (read more about it -- http://www.xmission.com/~mwalker/DQ/quayle/qq/hall.of.fame.html) My mother got a bit of Republican mudslinging in the mail before the last election attributing a whole lot of Dan Quayle's malpropisms to Al Gore. Interesting that he was their own man and all they could think to do was try to tack it onto Gore (from someone who voted for neither).

Here's some more oxymorons --

I paid too much for it, but its worth it.

A little pain never hurt anyone.

No one goes to that place anymore-it's always too crowded.

We do not anticipate any emergencies.

I marvel at the strength of human weakness.

I tripped over a hole that was sticking up out of the ground.

I'm not going to say, "I told you so."

I'm proud of my humility.

It isn't an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

No matter where you go, there you are!

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.

It rolled off my back like a duck.

May I ask a question ?

Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's going on.

I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exaggerating.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

He lived his life to the end.

If you fall and break your legs, don't come running to me. - Samuel Goldwyn

You can observe a lot just by watchin'. - Yogi Berra

If you come to a fork in the road,take it." - Yogi Berra

Why don't you pair 'em up in threes? -Yogi Berra

Our similarities are different. - Dale Berra, son of Yogi

I distinctly remember forgetting that. - Clara Barton

I am a deeply superficial person. - Andy Warhol

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -W.C. Fields

I must follow the people. Am I not their leader ? - Benjamin Disraeli

I can resist everything but temptation. - Mark Twain

-- Anonymous, September 20, 2002