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What they say about sex: Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural wholesome things that money can buy."
Steve Martin: "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
Woody Allen: "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a Good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield: "My wife said she'd like to have sex in the back seat of the car... and she wanted me to drive."
George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of Getting married."
George Burns: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Harvey Korman: "Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building."
-- Anonymous, August 25, 2002
In the Dark
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"
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-- Anonymous, August 27, 2002
These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently b! beforehand.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just ! do it yourself.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mindreading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
-- Anonymous, August 27, 2002