Some jokes from Brit friend

greenspun.com : LUSENET : Current News - Homefront Preparations : One Thread

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, I'll have a beer and turns to the ostrich. What's yours?

I'll have a beer too says the ostrich.

The cat says I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it.

The barman pours the beer and says That will be 5.40 please, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says, I'll have a beer. The ostrich says, I'll have the same. And the cat says: I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it.

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.

The usual? asks the barman.

Well, it's last orders, so I'll have a large scotch, says the man.

Same for me, says the ostrich.

I'll have a small scotch but I'm not paying for it, says the cat.

That will be 12.20 says the barman. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.The barman can't hold back his curiosity any longer.

Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?

Well, says the man, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.

That's brilliant! says the barman. Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!!

That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there, says the man.

The barman asks One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?

The man replies, My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2002

Answers

All drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Aleve is Naproxen, Amoxil is Amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been searching for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on Mycoxafailin. Also considered were: Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, and Alimpdixafixit. And, of course, Ibepokin.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2002

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND ON PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS

1) She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

2) Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3) On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4) The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5) The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6) Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7) Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8) The patient refused autopsy.

9) The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10) Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11) Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days.

12) Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13) Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14) Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.

15) She is numb from her toes down.

16) While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17) The skin was moist and dry.

18) Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19) Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20) Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.

21) She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until got a divorce.

22) I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23) Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24) Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25) The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26) The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27) Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28) The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29) Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30) Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31) Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2002


Cowboys.... At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived from the Middle East . To pass the time, they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face while the wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps. Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once my people were many, now we are few." The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet."

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2002

A World Cup joke

Subject: FW: FOOTIE

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one ittle boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad plays football for France, I was just too embarrassed to say so."

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2002


Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs: "FATASS." I feel safer already...

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2002



For everyone who's ever flown Southwest.....

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,

"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess,

"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2002


That last one was a little plain...

;)

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2002


Moderation questions? read the FAQ