I am a twenty year old married woman, and I am looking for help with a big problem that my husband and I are having. Everytime we argue, it always seems to escalate to a physical altercation, and we both end up beating the crap out of each other. Its getting worse and worse everytime. I don't know what to do. We make a promise to stop and never do it again, but I am afraid that it will get out of control. I am not the only one being abused, and I don't wanna hurt him anymore than he wants to hurt me, we just get so mad. We love each other, and we don't have any kids yet. If you can help, please email me at kimd16_00@yahoo.com.

Thank you,

Kimberly Daly, Atlanta, GA

-- Anonymous, July 12, 2002

Answers

Hi you dont know me and I dont know how serious you will take my advise or not, but here goes anyway. If you still love your husband and he still loves you, and you think that there is a possibility of you working it out then you should seek marriage couseling. If he truly loves you as much as he claims he does he will agree to do whatever it takes to keep the marriage going. Maybe you should sit down with one another and try to discuss what went wrong between the two of you, and maybe you can rekindle some of the feelings that you had with one another when you first got married. If nothing works than you no what you have to do. I am not suggesting divorce but maybe separate for a while and see if the marriage is worth salvaging. If you need to talk further you can e-mail me at bigbeefyam2002@yahoo.com

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2002

I disagree with bigbeefyam. I think that couples counseling will only help once you have dealt with your own issues relevant to violence. There is probably a violence intervention class somewhere near you. Try looking wherever AA meetings are held. Most of the people in these classes are sent there by the courts after a conviction for a violent offense, and I think it would be good for each of you (you will not be allowed to attend together) to see what happens when you get arrested for behaving this way, and what can happen if you don't learn to stop. NOW! If either of you gets injured, he will got to jail. Depending on what state you live in, he may be charged with a felony if you have a broken bone even a pinky and even if you broke it when you hit him on the head. The fact that you were a participant will have no impact, neither would your pleas to go easy on him because he didn't mean to hurt you.

Do you fight when drinking? If so, stop drinking.

You must quit "trying to stop", and just stop this behavior immediately. If he will not stop, move out for a while to get your bearings and then decide what to do next.

Good Luck.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2002

My first thing to say is please do not have any children, thinking this will bring you closer together. Obviously either both of you have issues to solve or one has issues and they are surfacing to antagonise the other. I am not sure how things are over there, but in Australia counsellors still tend to automatically blame the man so I don't know what use they are. I did read that seeing a counsellor helped one couple unite because they both thought the counsellor was a prick. Anyway,seems to me everyone is so interested in thier own individuality that they are unable to accept someone else to SHARE their life, love and dreams with another. Perhaps materialistic ideals are getting in the way, things like money, goods and sex. Sex is usually a big one especially for a young man, as I guess he is and money usually is the most important thing to a young women. Are these things interferring in your base friendship? Being honest with yourself is sometimes very hard. Perhaps each or one is trying too hard to please the other and not being true to themselves, when the other may not be after the things the tryhard is doing.Thus frustration sets in. The answers are in yourselves if you sit back, relax and be totally honest with yourselves and each other. Do you truly like yourselves? If not, what improvements can you make to yourselves? We can offer advice if our partner is open to it, but it is hard enough to change ourselves let alone another. Bet of luck with things and remember, marriage is not like a trip to Macdonalds where everything is an instant fix. Patience, kindness, understanding and all those other dorky unfashionable words are the best cure to a relationship problem. Talk to your grandmother or some other older people. I am only a baby myself being 39 years of age so I am only half way wise yet. bye

-- Anonymous, January 14, 2003