Cogitatin' - Birds, Bees, and the Tao of Two July 6, 2002

So, I'm cogitating on what I've written regarding fellows and I'm sure hoping it doesn't put you too out of kilter. I always get in trouble when I don't think about all the different ways what I say can be interpreted. Of course, I always get in trouble when I DO think about those things, so there's no real winning either way.

Maybe you'll come back off these few days and feel like writing a lot, or maybe this will just wash over you. I don't know. But I'm going to share one last bit this morning and then I'll probably not be back into the e-field til Sunday, late night, or Monday.

I've been saying lots of "I'm lonely" words to you. But that doesn't mean I don't have people/men interested in me. John says I have "Smart Beautiful Woman's Disease" - i.e., I just miss all the attentions coming my way in a kind of blind naivete that serves to keep everyone's heart more intact, all the way around, and let's us stumble along together without me having to outright reject advances.

You said you thought I'd filtered out a lot of guys. I think you're right.

I know you're psychic, too. So I'm also anticipating you'll pick up field stuff and not know how to interpret it. I thought I'd better let you know the lay of the territory on my end, here, so the story matches the vibes.

Things have become very odd out here lately. Maybe it's the summer. Maybe all the good stuff I'm feeling toward you is making my pheromones flow. Whatever the case, I've suddenly got gentleman callers coming out my ears.

I actually found myself being kind of pissed off at them "all" by yesterday afternoon - I've had 6 SIX 6 fellows get in touch in the last 48 hours, wanting contact. I'm completely taken off guard, and then completely suspicious. My thinking is that the word's gotten around that I'm selling the store and so suddenly - it's summer, country faire's around the corner, everyone's feeling free and flowy - they're all coming out of the woodwork, and wanting to "do things."

I'm actually REALLY pissed. I mean, I've known a lot of these guys for years. They watched me twist in the wind (or didn't notice), and not a one of them stepped forward to help, and now that I'm extricating myself, and I'm getting a small rep as a midnight reveller in the cutting edge art scene (psy-trance tekno intellectuals are building a sort of LEGITIMATE 'velvet underground' movement, you know - you're part of it; Burning Man's part of it; our deep politic is part of it - it's VERY sexy to people who are stuck getting older...), and I've got cherished almost exclusive entre into one of the most private coveted hot springs in the area, I'm getting phone calls and visits, and suggestions for going "out"...grrrrrrrrrrr...

I'm probably over-reacting, and these probably aren't *reasons* - everything's probably just legitimate up-and-up, but it's how I feel.

Most of the idiots (sorry, but this really irks me) around here think I'm a woman of property. They don't understand how I can "have" all that I *do* ( I DO, I do not HAVE) and not HAVE property. They think that I'm just being modest when I say I don't own anything, and that I'll be lucky to get out of the store "even". (I hope my being a pauper doesn't bother YOU). I think the only thing worse than being pursued for your money/stuff is to be pursued for that when you don't have it.

And then there are all those truly "nice" guys who just didn't want to have anything to do with the sheer volume of WORK in my life, nor the force of will that it takes to keep it all on track. Now that Cynthia's plate is clearing (so they think - but they don't know that I'm a whole universe in process...), maybe they think it's safe. Maybe they think they'd better make their move now, before I'm gone. Who the f knows? ....grrrrrrr....

I had this one fellow - neat guy, cool farmer, brilliant seedsman - make the move a couple of days ago (and then send me a REALLY cryptic e-mail yesterday) and suggest a visit to the hot springs together. In person, I'd told him what I tell everyone - "well, you'd have to be willing to do some work. we could hit the blueberry farm halfway up, put in a good few hours doing some field picking and sorting, and then head up to the spring." I was half way into that, because part of how I "pay" for my access is to bring good work hands into the set of tasks that we all need to get done. I'm just fine with drawing the line at the physical stuff, and being really clear that my heart is elsewhere, etc.

Boy, you should have seen him back up when I said "work". I can smell work-revulsion a mile away. Oh, he tried to get out of it in the e-mail - offered vague "we coulds..." - but my filter worked! And yet, I still have to deal with this stuff - and these guys ARE my friends, my community, my politico-activist buddies and I don't want to alienate them or be rude - so I have to politely wriggle out or stay way too busy to be found.

I lost my pager. I don't answer my phone sometimes.

But, if you're anything like me, and you and I are psychically hooked up, then you're going to be picking up this stuff aetherically - my confusion, all the pheromones, potential threat to your "territory" that you can't respond to, 'cos you're a man, and this is what men (and women) do. I don't want you to be uncomfortable, nor to think that you're experiencing any slippage in a connection with me.

I'm saying this because I want to continue to tell you everything that's up for me, including sharing my confusion about men. You're my confidante, and I don't want you to become jealous. I want you as my buddy, too. I'd like to hear about the women in your life. I'd like the space between us to always be safe for talking about ANYTHING. Anything that should try to be held in words I would like to be able to explore with you.

So, I just want you to know: (sort of serious promise moment here...) I ain't sleeping with or kissing on anybody until you and I get a legitimate chance to touch. We've made a big investment in one another so far. I like where we're trending, and how we're doing it. I'm willing to forego other options for awhile, and focus on my work here, and YOU THERE.

I even thought about this with respect to Burning Man, and the chance that you won't be there, and that John will. What we're building means enough to me to forego even my opportunities to connect with him, should that end up being the case.

Anything that he and I might be destined to manifest has to take a back seat now to what you and I are crafting, until WE get a chance to test our own connection in hardspace. He really did have his opportunity - we talked about how he wished it were different - but I could see that my energy toward him was morphing into something different, something beyond a manifest man/woman love. I was truly sad that the time wasn't right because I think he and I would have done good work together. I still think we may have some destiny to fulfill, but I don't know what it is.

But now you've come along. And you are giving me, in your words and your history and your revelation of feeling, what must be given if ANY connection in love is to remain alive. No one I've known has done that to this extent before. You are so REAL to me. I understand you when you talk.

It's very, very strange, for I'm looking at this virtual interaction between us and I feel less fraught with projections in my experience with you than with dozens of folk that I know here, on the ground. Even these fellows who are calling me - they're more of an image to me than you are. I fill in HUGE gaps of knowledge about them, based on volumes of assumption from visual, auditory and aetheric cues. I only FEEL I'm not projecting because I'm so grounded in the trust of my empirical sense-driven data.

I feel that there's something REALLY special between us. I feel that it was kindled on our first date in San Francisco. I haven't been out with anyone since then. I have no interest in anyone else unless they are The One - and I can't imagine how I can even be convinced to entertain the notion, not with you in my life, and everything else that's going on.

You are my softspace lover.

You're the only boy that's gonna kiss on this Gourami for the next little while, even if we have to do it exclusively in dreams.

So, don't be jealous. You're safe. I'm yours.

Cynthia

: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : -- Cynthia Beal cabeal@efn.org http://www.skymind.org

"Stop searching forever. Happiness is just ne

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2002