A mothers pride...(waxing sentimental)

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Pride, they say, is a sin, but when I look upon the incredible people my children are becoming, my heart swells with it, leaps and laughs and soars with it. And a deep abiding love. To be honest though, I'm also a bit puzzled, how could I be blessed with birthing such radiance? Still, I think they will most likely be my existences most equisite masterpieces. IS that bad to say? They care. I guess that's the simplist way to put it. But more, the world is a better place because they are in it, I believe that, know it to be an undeniable truth. I would like to think the role I played was significant. I know they are uniquely, fabulously individual, but....I'll be selfish and think that I helped a bit encouraging them to think for themselves, and be true to whatever grows in their hearts.....be true to others as well.

Images of moments it time swirl in my head, a collage of the past, shaping and molding a childs perception of the world in the only small way any of us can in the chaos that is life. Laying in the clover, the scent of honeysuckle heavy, almost cloying, sipping the droplets of nectar and making bracelets, crowns and necklaces, till we are adorned heavily, regally, bees buzzing lazily around us. Having her hold the does head as I try to sort out tangled bodies during a difficult birth, sharing the triumph of success, as the new mother nuzzles and murmers to her wobbly young....or sharing the defeat of an inevitable death that is a intregal part of this life. Look, he says as he points to a magnificent buck I never would have spied, almost invisible in the shadows of the treeline......I think of all the times I said, hush....look, train your senses,_see_ the world around you. Curled close on the couch, nestled in a comforter up to our chins, on a frigid and blizzardy winters night, the woodstove ticking contentedly, she says with a small embarrassed laugh, 10 year old face looking emploringly at me, innocent splash of freckles across her nose... Ever think about life? I do. I'm hugging you right now, but even this close my eyes see different things, my mind thinks different thoughts than yours....like we are sort of always alone, but not.....isn't that strange to think of? Is it stupid to think about that? I hug her closer, and my eyes well a bit, Of course not, my love! It is strange... Reassuring smile, eyes glistening. But if I tell you, we are a bit closer aren't we, she says with a shy/sly smile. "Tucking in the babies" in a spring garden. Teaching him to cast....he can catch a fish in a mudpuddle now, (I never catch a thing, but I don't really think that is the point of fishing anyway). Hair raising driving lessons on snakey gravel roads, in my jeep down by the river...the thrill in his eyes, the reluctant terror in mine, wincing at the grinding gears....the wind whipping our hair. The talks......the long, soul searching discussions.....hugs..tears. She loves a boy broken by a twist of fate, in a wheelchair now, his youth robbed by the lie of immortality and reckless abandon that is so common when we are that age. He has become a poet, he aches to run and vents his pain in words. He dreams of doing all the chores he used to dread... My youngests best friend saw her parents murdered in a war in another land, another world than the one that she inhabits now, but I'm sure still very vivid to her....they laugh a lot together, different as night and day, one with golden hair the other carries ebony. We had water balloon fights in the house. We made snow angels and unicorn sculptures. We read Horton Hears a Who, The Lorax, The Giving Tree, Where The Wild Things Are, and every single one of Bill Petes books...so many others, as well... We ate violets, and pickle weed, made flower salads even. We built sand castles and drew pictures in the clouds of dragons and horses running. We dressed up outrageously, and painted our toenails shockingly purple and put glitter on our faces, and danced, feeling silly. We flew kites, and ate sun warmed tomatoes till our lips were a bit burned, while entwined on the front porch swing, passing the salt shaker between us, our muddy feet unheeded. Always a banana split after immunizations. Always the question when they arrived home from school, tell me one interesting thing you saw today or one interesting thing that happened to you, knowing that asking how their day was would only elicet a "fine". Always like a mantra before bed, I love you up to the stars and back again, around the world and back again, I love you till the end of time.

Those things shape a person, don't they?

My children are my heros, and when she smiled at me today, I was reminded. And yes, I was so very proud.

-- Patty (SycamoreHollow@aol.com), June 21, 2002

Answers

Thank you for sharing that, Patty; it was gorgeous!

I completely identify with your feelings about your children, and since I don't believe in a concept of "sin," I see no reason to apologize for it! :)

I too have a wonderful relationship with my two teenage daughters, and have since the day they were born considered them by far to be my most important teachers. This is a concept totally foreign to the likes of my own parents, who to this day couldn't imagine learning anything from me. Please feel free to take pride as well as thankfulness in your contribution to your kids' joyful, loving and creative spirits, for by demonstrating respect to them, you have taught them what I believe to be the most important element of true and lasting happiness: that we are born perfect as we are, and so is everyone else.

You say:"I'm also a bit puzzled, how could I be blessed with birthing such radiance? " And why should not you be so blessed? You are a wonderful being, and have bestowed that radiance onto them; how could you fail? You, and they, deserve the joy that is available to all who would realize (remember) their own inner radiance.

I share many of the memories you expounded so beautifully on here, Patty. My family is now back in the burbs, because my oldest daughter, who is a musician, needed to be near the music, and could not continue to split herself between two worlds. We had very little social life in the conservative boonies at any rate, and my other daughter and partner both were losing interest in the farm,and I could not continue to run a direct-marketing farm on my own, so I made the difficult decision to give it up. My daughters, however, are always quick to insist that they will always be grateful for their homestead, unschooled, upbringing,and that there was no better way to grow up.

So brag on, Patty; its so refreshing to me to hear from others who have their children as very good friends. Our culture continually frustrates me in its insistence that the teenage years be filled with strife, and most folks seem to be programmed perfectly for this self- fullfillng script, and I think its hogwash.

Peace and blessings,

-- Earthmama (earthmama48@yahoo.com), June 22, 2002.


I'm glad you enjoyed it Earthmomma, and it is certainly refreshing to know others can identify! Believe it or not, I often get sidelong glances. Amazing, I know! Who says you can't strap scrub brushes to your feet and dance with the mop, the floors gettin' clean ain't it? But then, I think everyone should twirl in the rain at _least_ once! (a month, hehe) ;) Yes....I think being a mother has taught me the most, continues to teach me much, even if I'm dragged kicking and screaming at times. My children are often wiser than me and it can be a bit of a thing to swallow. ;) They give me so much every day. My youngest just trotted in with a beauteous smile of delight, her eyes literally sparkling..on her forefinger was perched the tiniest frog I think I have ever seen. The size of a ladybug.....and eyepopping green. I'll just file that away.

And a most sincere thankyou for seeing something I myself am having a bit of trouble seeing in the mirror as of late...it was like a wonderfully unexpected and much needed salve. Sometimes you begin to wonder if indeed everyone else is right, and the light should be appropriately dimmed. But then, I've fought that always. Even before I made the decision to keep my child at the ripe age of 18 and run alone to the sea. Ha! I showed them. :)

That must have been so hard to leave your place....I'm actually considering something of this myself. It's a daunting brink, isn't it? Do you miss it much? I can't imagine giving this all up, and yet perhaps it is time to head on down the road....

-- Patty (SycamoreHollow@aol.com), June 22, 2002.


Patty, that was simply beautiful.

I have a few minutes this AM, house is quiet, visiting grandkids sleeping peacefully, and I'm catching up with the board. Nice way to start the day.

My 4yo looks at me and says, " Granny, you de best", and my heart swells. I AM "de best". Far better at this Granny business than I was at mothering. More time and heart for fun and laughter. Every day is an adventure!

-- Granny Hen (cluckin along@cs.com), June 28, 2002.


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