Cynthia's Anilogue - June, 2002greenspun.com : LUSENET : The Garden : One Thread
Anilogue - June 13, 2002
I need to put these words down - I need to just say them, and let them take the energy that is bringing tears to my eyes right now, this morning, in my office, in my store, at the end of one more phone call from one more person - one more friend - one more activist - asking me for "more", for something in addition to what I already do.
I am *so* tired today - so tired of giving, giving, giving to the always open hands and I don't know what else to do but keep on giving, as much as I can, and giving, too, the words that describe my limits, and why I can't do more - as I simultaneously gather my strength to walk away before - before what? I don't know....
Today I feel very alone.
I feel very weighted by all the responsibilities of keeping this thing - this business and this scene - going. They are huge - thousands of dollars in checks to write each week; payrolls to make; regulations to keep; forms to file; taxes to pay; the logistics are enormous and I manage only because I've done it so long, and everything does flow, easier than it ever has.
But still, it's a hanging on to a bank that I really don't want to hang on to anymore. I'm ready to swim, to let go and just head down the river, even if it means a waterfall ahead, and I'm afraid to say *that* because I know what it means when we tell the gods we're ready for such a thing, but I almost am. Which usually means I am.
Ready or not.
I know you don't know me, and you don't know what I do. It really is a small thing, in the larger scheme of big things, but it is a very big thing in the smaller scheme of what I am, and feel like doing and being today.
I'm glad for the moments I've had with some few others that can take me out of the grind of it all. Writing to you, and having you respond, has been like water in the desert for me, and I miss even these few days of "no Daniel".
I feel you in the interstices of my concentration - perhaps not *you*, per se, but certainly something that feels like *you*. I'm glad for your pictures. I've very glad for the Cerverti image that's now on my computer desktop. It's comforting, somehow, and I'm surprised at how comforted - for that's the best word for it - I now feel just seeing it.
But still it's a harder day than usual, today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
-- Anonymous, June 13, 2002
Ah, I've found my bench in the Garden.
I hoped it would be here. I wasn't certain. One never knows.
You wrote "too much, too soon."
I tried to warn you. I'm well intended. But, there you have it, don't you? I do think I've found a fairly useful technology here, this half-journal, half-shared-dream place of my Garden - this pergola of Anilogue - that lets us glance obliquely at each other, as we look 'around', cat-like, only sometimes sharing that glance straight on, eye-to-eye, that says "I see you" and, for now, leaves it at that.
It's Friday. The Anilogue grows. I have a couple of more threads to add and then I'll be caught up to Now. It's interesting to log these past writings and to discover how much can be shared without breaking any trust implied between John and I. He has been a wonderful muse for me, and I only once in awhile thought it was *Him*, as in John, and more often thought it was Him, as in the animus of my Dream and the Partner of my many lives.
If he'd written more, or made more manifest the feelings he shared now and then, it would have been different somehow - and perhaps improper to share. But he told me once that he thought my words were wasted on him, as if Kandinsky were painting only for him, and suggested my words were meant for a broader audience.
I didn't know what he meant. I can guess that he might have meant I should be directing my words toward some other thing - person? project? topic? - I can't be sure and have no need to be. I only write where there's Energy, and a magnetic draw that pulls it out of me.
I replied that even Kandinsky must have had his Muses - he must have had those Loves that pulled the beauty out from deep within - and that all things that Love brings forth, whether word, or kiss, or chicken soup, are arts that only really need to be seen by One in order to be fully appreciated. I didn't know, though I suspected, how valuable my word sketches would become to me - and now I have these story frames that outline something vague, but growing firm, that really wants to BE.
I thought about whether or not to share this bit with you, because traditional interactions between men and women usually make describing other men or women - especially those we've loved - taboo subjects. But it's only in those edged places that most don't wish to go into where shares like this are - no, MUST be - part of the territory, if the walk is to lead anywhere.
You're out of town and so I get this chunk of time to echo with myself, without the benefit of your reply, and so I find myself here, in the Garden again, getting solace and comfort from something so simple as tapping a pattern of light into the sky.
: : : : : :
-- Anonymous, June 14, 2002
It's almost your tomorrow. I remember you said you'd be back late today, and so I thought I'd stack one more little note inside your box. Well, into the "Letters we Share" section, at any rate, but I'll turn your alert back on so you'll get this by e-mail, too - I turned it off when I was dumping so much into the Anilogues, because I didn't want to overwhelm you. :-)
I haven't, have I? (somehow, I actually think I may be poking a stick at some big paper wasps' nest saying "Hmmm, what's this?", for somehow I think there's more to you than you're letting on)
I've thought about you a lot. Probably more than is wise. I think I've just moved out of the "wise" place - at least, certainly that part of wisdom that's circumspect as a result of experience, and detached as a form of boundary, and reserved out of a sense of self-protection that can masquerade as respect.
I'm starting to full-on pack. Finally. I think I'm going to make this Solstice a time of Big Work, marking the last summer that I spend here, in this role as Keeper of this part of this hearth. I think it's a good thing to know when it's time to move on.
There's a part of me that has really resisted this. There's SO MUCH CLOSURE to be done, and I have to bootstrap it here, for I've no one to talk to about how hard it is, and how much work it is, and how scared I am down inside.
I'm the tail end of a 13 year family project that lost family members, one by one as they peeled off into other things (I put the story in the Anilogue, somewhere), and yet they left material legacies of "stuff" behind: Files, furniture, things...Mom buried two husbands while she was here, and then moved, so there's her leavings (most gone now, but still some threads remain) to clear. I get the job of closing that down, too.
I'm not complaining. I took it on, willingly. I had my opportunity to roam BIG while others held things down, so it was certainly my turn to have a stable entry in my family's address book.
I was glad to see my mom find happiness and very glad that I could keep her money - her life savings - working for her. I'm ecstatic that I haven't lost it, and that she made it through the dot.com bust without having her money in stocks for retirement. She would have, otherwise. And what seemed like a poor investment during the dot.bomb boom, and then a shaky investment when I was reeling in 2000, now (IF the store sells, which I'm praying and working for) seems like the best thing that could have happened.
I was glad to see my husband find his feet and move on. Glad to see my brother go back to college and get his degree. Glad to see my sister-in-law take what I taught her and go back to college, too.
And with each leaving, I took another set of reins in hand. It was too much for me, and I did it anyway. I even got a gray hair or two out of it (but that's all, so it can't be all bad).
I'm well along in the job of closing down, actually. I've been at this for two years, come August. If I put my head to it, I can probably be done by Burning Man. That's the plan.
I decided that I wanted to arrive on the Playa a bit early, so I'm headed down on the 24th. I haven't decided 100% to camp with the Heart Waves folks. Now that there's a possibility of you coming, I want to be flexible enough to do other things.
I'll talk to you more about this in later e-mails, including the set up of the Interpreting Center. In short, while I've enjoyed the opportunity to give input to my friends on LNT for the Heart Waves Theme Camp, and I love how they've incorporated it into their planning, I'm noticing a dearth of response and connectivity on their part in a manner that works for *me*.
While I'm sure it will work for THEM, out THERE, when they need to fall back on their own bonds to get them through whatever their Karma is to struggle through TOGETHER, I'm getting the sense that my Karma lies elsewhere when it comes to the Burn. I'm getting the sense that my Karma lies somewhere more in alignment with yours, if you'll be there, or with OURS, if you won't.
I'm getting the sense that I'll want to perhaps stay where you suggest; perhaps camp where you suggest. I'm getting the sense that I want to be loose enough to walk with your itinerary (and you know how much I like to do that, don't you? See, that WAS a good lesson...), and I know that we might not know if you'll be coming until, perhaps, the last minute.
I want to be able to be in that last minute place with you, and not inconvenience anyone else with whatever gyrations our scheduling causes. That's new, but that's the way it is.
I'm also getting VERY into the Interpreting Center as an Installation. I want to place it in the *right place*, and I think I need more flexibility than a position with Heart Waves is allowing.
Do you think this change in direction for me - from group being to Solitary - is ok? Does it make you feel too uncomfortable that I feel a need to align with you? I don't IN ANY WAY mean to imply a claim on your time, but I understand that one of us is very flexible, and one of us is not as much so in this arena.
I know that you may very well have lots of people to see and visit alone, and so I'm not suggesting that you change any of those intents, and I certainly don't want to interfere. But I also sense that this may be one of the few times we get to see each other, maybe *ever*, and I just don't want to continue to play this game of hide and seek for the rest of my life.
In any event, I'll stay a few days after the burn, probably til the 3rd or 4th, because I want to see it through the full cycle. I might never go there again, so I want to do the full on Work of it. After that, I'm trying to leave an open vector. It seems a fitting transit point, don't you think?
Who knows where my wind will blow me?
Well, this could get long. I think I'll stop it here.
Write when you can. :: : : : : : : : : :: : : : : : : : : :
-- Anonymous, June 14, 2002
Oh, but I HAVE seen the elephant. It's in the living room.
And I HAVE seen the alligator - I'm sitting in its jaws.
I'm glad to hear about the wasps, though. I REALLY LIKE bumble bees.
And yes, a jar of baby peaches. Actually, you could get away with a large can of peaches - cheaper, and probably even tastier - you'll need a LOT of sauce for a boar.
Simmer down a skillet full of onions, on "low", and do it long til they're almost candied. Lots of pepper, too. Add tomato paste (something red and thick anyway, preferrably made from tomatoes). A little molasses to taste. Peaches. Lemon juice is good for zing. Or a dash of vinegar. You can put pretty much anything in here at this point - just remember that it's gotta end up looking like barbeque sauce. Beer works. Red wine is nice, but do it at the end, just before you baste it onto whoever's going to wear this tasty dressing.
That's it. Mighty good...
I'm wondering if alligators like barbeque sauce? I doubt elephants do, but surely that thing can't stay in the living room forever.
: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :
-- Anonymous, June 17, 2002
June 27, 2002
It's Thursday. I've got a few minutes' lull before I head to the bank with Kris and Dan to do the first main bank meeting and learn just how close or far away we are from an escrow. We should have the prognosis Monday or Tuesday, and then I'll know whether or not this month is crazy stupid, or just plain crazy. I'm hoping for crazy stupid.
I was thinking more about Douglas last night, and reflected on his comments that I'd really helped him these past few days. I know I was able to be a good ground for him because of how well we know each other, and how committed I've always been to telling him the truth, even when it hurt, and even when it meant that we'd be ending our relationship - at least the one that had us on the path to being married.
One thing I offered him was a gift from you. It was part of that story (for I've told him about you, and that I'm fascinated by you, and that I plan on meeting you someday) you told me about your left-right brain, and how you took stock one day (maybe near his age, for he's 44) and decided things needed some major rebalancing. And so you did it.
You see, Douglas is, in some ways, very much like I imagine you were just before you reached that point when you headed to Texas. He has a botany degree. He spent 14 years getting it. He is a general contractor, but has avoided work like the plague (one of OUR problems as a couple). He lives moment to moment, in the flow of the All, but has a critique of the world and his place in it that is unhappy with his poverty, unhappy with his single life, unhappy with his lack of fulfillment. I suggested he needed to change either one Perspective or the other.
I think he'll be fine eventually, but he got me musing (and even having a mini-pity-party) on my own twisted path through these last few years. He thanked me for everything I gave him - and I gave a lot, thinking I was giving to OUR future and in the end, learning that I had to let all that stuff go - and there's some sadness at remembering how I knew he'd appreciate it someday, and I knew he'd appreciate it "too late" (for us, anyway).
I can feel parts of myself closed off to the option of connecting that deeply with someone again. That makes me feel sad at times, especially when the moon is full but waning, and the barometric pressure is oppressive, and god knows what other collective emotional and karmic detritus is clogging the field filters...
I guess it gets harder the older we get, eh? In some ways, anyhow. Perhaps that's why I'm in such a Lighten-the-Load mode. My obligations and material encumbrances keep me separate, while my ability to connect at a soulful level grows rapidly. They're not a function of one another - the encumbrances could be lightened and I think the capacity to connect would still remain.
But the encumbrances do limit the capacity to connect.
OK - end of writing break.
Another time, and more....
-- Anonymous, June 27, 2002
I'm going to just write you a straight letter here.
> Who is Douglas again?
I met Douglas in 1997. We almost got married. We actually had set a date and then he backed out - in a nutshell, because he said he wasn't certain he'd be happy. I'll tell you more about it when we hang, or when we're on the phone, if you want to know more. There's some in the Anilogues.
He's a wonderful fellow, and I loved him a LOT. Still do, but now more as a brother and a deep friend. When I REALLY needed someone *there* for me, fully, because I was facing so much difficulty, he was kind of taking up the space - the slot of lover/partner/helpmate, so to speak - but he wasn't being *there*.
He didn't know how to help. He didn't know how to pitch in, put his shoulder to the wheel, see what was happening, plot a course, contribute what he had to share, and build on what I call the Power of Two. And he wouldn't listen to me. Too much ego.
He had a lot of personal stuff to get through, and I think he's really making some great strides today. I was willing to be there through it THEN, because I have a lot of "stick" when it comes to tough stuff, if I can see the purpose of it.
But I made a lot of hard changes on his account - lifestyle, business, personal - always accommodating his reticence to commit, always counting on his "maybe someday". sigh. I went "back" to he and I a few times. Not again. And that makes him sad, too. But that's just the way it now is. I told you that when I move on, I move on.
This is probably one reason I responded with such a charge when I thought you were shutting me down. I guess I just said all the things in one breath/letter that are a result of being shut out so completely, so often. It's hard not to take it personal after awhile.
After as much investment in relationships as I've made to date, it's hard not to believe that I'm unattractive, or stupid, or annoying, or boring, or any of a number of simplistic reasons that might explain why I'm still alone. I don't think those things about myself, but sometimes I feel them, and I guess it brings out the fighter in me now when I feel shut out. Not too strategic in the love department, but what does a frustrated Cancerian homemaker do with a Moon and Mars in 7th house Aries?
I think this relationship with Douglas kind of soured me on the hope of ever trusting someone to have enough capacity to help ME get through hard times. I've just seen too much, and probably climbed myself right out of the pool of probable partners and onto some rarefied plateau that has a hell of a lot of storm and not much else at times. Certainly no one's standing next to me, and won't be in the foreseeable near future. That's pretty certain.
You said you didn't like emotionally needy people. I'm not emotionally needy ALL the time, but I'm needy SOME of the time. When I'm three sheets to the wind of Calamity, and struggling for perspective, and floundering without an anchor, and just tossing in it all, I need someone steady to hold on to who isn't going to run just because I'm struggling.
I think it's ok to want that. I'm not one of the guys. I'm a woman, and that's part of my nature, and I can't help the fact that I want it gratified before I die.
Sometime, once again at least, I just want to relax into the competence of someone else who I know loves me and cares for me, and I just want to be a basket case for a bit. It's easier to shoulder all the stuff I have to carry when I know that if I REALLY HAVE TO I can just let go and at least have the illusion that everything's going to be all right.
That's what Douglas said I did for him. He said that even when there was no money, and things were hard, and it seemed insurmountable, he said that at least we had each other and I made it seem all right.
I said "yes, that's sort of why people make the hard but worthwhile investment in one another - it happens to be a very good thing to hold onto when all the rest of it seems to be in the toilet..."
But he didn't figure that out while we were together, and he's just coming into understanding that part of it, almost a year after we really "broke up". I emotionally hung on for a while more, because I generally hold on longer than I should.
I used to let go too fast. Now I overcompensate. Meeting John F2F (face to face) really catalyzed the final ending for Douglas and I, because I realized that I just needed to accept being on my own and get on with living a life that reflected that solitude.
I gave Douglas a lot of tools - literally. When I started downsizing my household, he ended up with lots of my shop - planer, jointer, clamps, blades, bandsaw - that sort of stuff. I don't have a shop anymore. I set him on the path to become a violin maker. I'm good for catalyzing dreams.
I'm not so good at picking people that support mine. (He told me in the beginning that he wanted a life on the land. So did Galen. They both changed their minds.)
So I suppose he also represents the literal end of my Big Dream, the one that I came into the Willamette Valley to realize in the first place. I got really depressed at the realization that I couldn't do a country life alone AND own a grocery store, and so I came in from the country and that's when I sort of gave up that hope for this lifetime and started cutting all the ties.
It makes me sad to think about it, because I'd never wanted ANY THING - from the time I was a very young child - more than to just hang in my/our house, and be with my/our plants, and cook our food, and make music, and write, and think, and do art, and study, and be a good citizen and a partner to a good husband and do the money/community thing together.
All of this - even the store - was all supposed to be on the road to that life somewhere that I've had to turn away from. I don't think I have another shot at this one in me. There's too much to get done, and I'm on a different path now, and I've made huge investments in other directions and already cut my losses on the road to Land. And I don't think I can REALLY give my heart again. I don't KNOW, and I hope, but I don't THINK I can.
So, this - Douglas calling, and then having you at the edges of my life - brings up a lot of stuff for me, and makes me a little sad and probably more morose than I'll stay for long, but there you have it. I hope it doesn't taint your image of me but this is the way it is...
It's 7:30. I'm working at the store. Call if you'd like - 541-681-9093 - store; 685-2585 home. You probably have those numbers still, but one m
-- Anonymous, June 27, 2002
I've thought about you a good deal more than is wise too. And I find the Etruscan couples to be profoundly comforting too.
There can be no doubt we are soulmates. No doubt at all. There can be no doubt.
I don't doubt it for a second.
That would be pretty dumb, huh? To doubt something THIS obvious.
That's why we have to protect it. I'm glad you find relief from what you need to find relief from in our correspondences. That's a sort of a fullfillment for me. That IS a fullfillment for me.
I like it. :) I LIKE it. ;)
Ask anyone in Burning Man, "So what is TipiDan REALLY like?" No one will know. Or many will know something different. Or make "claims". You know better. But you haven't seen the elephant yet. Or the alligator.
And what's this about canned peaches? And I don't known nothin' about no hornet's nests or paper wasps. FUZZY BUMBLE BEES.
-- Anonymous, June 16, 2002
Who is Douglas again?
-- Anonymous, June 27, 2002