Culture clash and cultist clown : LUSENET : Domestic Violence Accounts : One Thread

I am a man working in Korea who has seen a relationship between a male coworker (a Canadian/US dual citizen) I will call "Al", and a now former coworker (a Korean lady) I will call "Cassie". What I have seen has (in my experience) sent up all sorts of red flags of a potentially abusive relationship. (I used to work as a security guard, sometimes at motels and bus depots where abusive males would appear to find women leaving them.)

"Al" is a passive/aggressive with high extraversion, craving the attention of others and will do anything to control social situations, from singing out loud, whistling, becoming visibly and physically upset if events do not go his way (losing sports pools, people playing music he does not like). He is a charismatic xian (extreme fundamentalist) and has claimed his father abandoned their family and "turned gay", later dying of AIDS. My suspicion is that his father sexually molested him and was thrown out; I have no proof of this, but extremist xians eroneously associate paedophilia with homosexuality. Other behaviours of his suggest he is unable to judge what are healthy relationships.

"Cassie" is a Korean woman who is buddhist but fairly modern, not a confucianist. She has had sex previously which is rare in Korea (non-virgins are still considered shameful in Korean culture). She lived in Canada for some time several years ago and has partnered up with *several* Canadian men since she returned. She showed interest in dating me when I arrived, but I said no; I wasn't interested, plus I never date on the job. Incidentally, she lost her virginity to another fundamentalist xian boyfriend from Canada who also mistreated her.

Al and Cassie started dating several months ago. During that time many red flags of abusive relationships appeared that I have seen before (I knew a college classmate who used the services of the Elizabeth Fry Society). Cassie told me that at various times Al has:

1) told her to stop being friends with women or she might turn into a lesbian
2) not to have male friends so she won't be tempted to cheat on him (he was still going to nightclubs alone)
3) bought a cell phone when they started dating and called her several times per day to check on her; if she is not at home, work, or with him, he becomes upset
4) he has physically dragged her out of bars in front of mutual acquaintances when others ask her to dance
5) has shown extreme jealousy to strangers who talk to her
There are also things I have seen myself: I gave Cassie's cell number to other coworkers in Al's presence (deliberately, as a "Barium meal") and he became visibly upset; I had a private dinner with her once and he questioned her for *five* days after (several times per day) until she told him who she was with. She regularly hugs me when we meet or part and he becomes angry behind her back, hiding it from her face.

The problem is, how do I dissuade Cassie from marrying him? (You should hitch your wagon to a horse, not a jackass.) She has blinders on, so obsessed with moving to Canada that when I presented information on abusive relationships, she saw it as ways to "lessen the abuse". Legal means I've tried to have him physically removed haven't worked (eg. Al uses drugs in Korea, a staunchly anti-drug country, and neither immigration nor the police have acted on information I've given them).

Does anyone have any suggestions of how to convince her before she makes the mistake of marrying him? His intent is to move to his original community (very fundamentalist xian) which has no support network for her - no Koreans, a backwards attitude toward women's rights, and easy means for Al to control and track her actions (phone, mail, mobility, etc.). Already he has convinced her to stop taking martial arts classes and eat more junk food. Cassie has become fat and is now less strong than Al, which could make her easier for him to beat or manipulate physically.

I would rather convince Cassie _before_ she marries him and is isolated from her family by 5000 miles. Any advice or help people could give me would be greatly appreciated.

Bob Dog

-- Anonymous, May 20, 2002


Tell your girl friend to visit battered women shelters and interview victims of domestic violence to see the obvious signs. It should persuade her. Good luck and it's nice to see people do care and do try to not overlook abuse around them. I am a former victim. So I would like to thank you.


-- Anonymous, March 10, 2003

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