Here I am after nearly a month in Japan. Still alive despite my continuing inability to perform apparently simple and essential tasks. (Please keep your wisecracks to yourself at this point.) Today is the start of the Golden Week holiday - no, I don`t know why it`s called Golden Week but as school is closed for 9 days I`m not inclined to ask too many questions - so tomorrow I`m heading to Tokyo for the first time. Assuming of course I can find the bus stop, buy a ticket, and get off in the correct place. It may take me the full 9 days just to find my way back to Choshi.... Anyway, my latest ramblings:

- There are no street names in Japan. Admittedly, even if there were I wouldn`t be able to read them, but how do people find their way around? I have a theory that the population of Tokyo is actually less than Sydney, it just looks as though there are far more people because everyone is wandering the streets in a state of confusion.

- I have discovered the secret of the Japanese economic miracle. Everyone had a job because it takes 7 people to do things that a machine can do in other countries. Even with the help of an interpreter it took me over an hour and the cooperation of half of the bank`s staff of 40 people just to open a bank account. It seems this simple transaction requires the approval of the teller, the manager, his mother, the assistant manager, the security guard, the handwriting expert, the cleaning lady and possibly the emperor. God only knows how long arranging a mortgage takes.

- Having successfully opened a bank account the next challenge is to withdraw some money from it. This is not as easy as it sounds. The bank shuts at 3pm....... OK, I hear you say, use a cash machine.... but the cash machines are inside the bank which seems to be to completely defeat the point of having ATMs in the first place. With the holiday coming up there was a genuine danger that I might starve to death if I couldn`t work out how to use the machine so I spent a fun half an hour this morning trying to figure it out. 14 attempts later the machine finally produced some cash. Whether it came from my account or not is anyone`s guess, but I consider this to be my crowning achievement in Japan so far.

- An update on the toilet situation. It seems that the toilet mentioned in volume 1 was not actually talking to me. Turns out it had a radio fitted and the radio just happened to be tuned to a news or talk station. As soon as I learn Japanese I aim to have one of these technological marvels installed in my apartment asap.

- Also on the subject of toilets: My local supermarket doesn`t appear to　sell toilet roll. I have no idea where to buy toilet roll and I don`t want　to ask my colleagues because they will realise that for the past month I`ve　been stealing rolls from school......

- The little booths with a curtain outside railway stations are not necessarily photo booths. It is unlikely that the Japanese department of　immigration will accept the highly questionable photographs (and magazines,　books and videos) dispensed by these machines in lieu of the 4 passport　photos I`m supposed to give them. Very considerate of them to provide a　curtain though.

- When students say "tell me about erections in your country" they are probably talking about politics.

- As some of you know, I find it almost impossible to walk past a CD shop　without popping in for a bit of a browse. My local CD shop, aside from　having an extensive range of 80`s pop (Kajagoogoo`s greatest hits was　playing last time I was there) also stocks vast amounts of pornography and　second hand golf clubs. I`m mystified as to the connection between these　items, especially the golf clubs, but my stroke is improving rapidly.....

- I have been in my apartment for 3 weeks now and I receive mail, in Japanese, addressed directly to me every couple of days. What does it say?　Who is sending it to me? How do they know where I live? What do they　want? Answers on a postcard to my address. Except that in the absence of street names I`m unclear as to what my address is......

That`s it for now - next week Andy-san goes to Tokyo for a historic meeting with Kegsy-san, founder and president of the Tokyo clique.

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

Answers

Forgot to mention - it would appear that young Kegsy has a reutation in Japan that spreads far and wide. I went to an old haunt of his in Narita (a good hour from Tokyo) and he told me to mention his name to the barman. Naturally I did, fully expecting said barman to look blankly at me. But no, he said "Rob?? F*%cking hell, how is he doing? He hasn`t been here in 2 or 3 years." A pause, then with a wistful shake of the head, "Real hard core drinker that boy......" He then presented me with a special Flight Crew Discount card which gives me cheap (relatively speaking) beer so long as I pretend I`m a pilot. It`s all about who you know, and it would appear that Kegsy is the man to know.

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

Brilliant stuff Andy - keep it coming (but make sure the curtain is closed.)

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

Another great read, and hysterically believeable! Don`t know how you are coping, I`d be demented by now! (:o)

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

Ah (-so??) you have been to Japan, Gal??? ;-)

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

Galaxy, I've been here 6 years, what does that say about me? Actually don't answer that

Brian? Brian? oh Brian, my old tea ceremony friend. Many a time we've had a cup of warm green tea....

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

Just a thought Andy-san. You might ask Soops for his opinion of the Japanese, working for Nis-san (wheoever Nis is) as he does.

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

"also stocks vast amounts of pornography and　second hand golf clubs. I`m mystified as to the connection between these　items, especially the golf clubs, but my stroke is improving rapidly....."

Improved as a result of which items ;)

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

Is that 'stroke' as in 'stroke' or 'stroke' as in 'stroooooooooke' ? :-{E}

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

or is that rowing? or bondage!! Andy, only you would seriously think your toilet is talking to you.....mine doesn't answer back, why should yours?

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

Great post, ADK. Perhaps Kegsy can point you to toilet roll distribution centers in Tokyo so you can stock up. I'm sure no one will mind you carrying a case of it back on the bus. ;-)

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

Terrific stuff Andy - I can see these diaries becoming compulsive reading on here.

I reckon what you're doing is really courageous, and you have my admiration - much like Kiwi, who emigrated to France and took a teaching post in a French Uni before he could speak a word of French. I can't believe how ballsy this generation is!

Having suffered various miseries during a visit to India many years ago, I always avoided business trips to Japan. One of my greatest phobias is being stuck in a place where I can't read the signs, can't communicate a single word, and can't even eat the lercal grub - I can't be certain, but think I may have developed this problem in The Strawberry!

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

Very interesting read, ADK - are you sure that Japanese use loo roll? Wouldn't it be more expected for some automatic bum wiping machine to unexpectedly perform the necessary for you? Or perhaps that's in with the curtained booths you discovered...at extra cost.

Reminds me of several drunken nights in Prague - maybe it's changed since a few years back, but not a single person could speak English. German, Italian, French or Russian was no problem. Mind, being able to order 6 beers and ask for the bill was all I managed (and needed) to grasp. Oh and mind where you sit on the trams - my friend was berated by an old lady for apparently sitting in an 'old lady's only' seat. Kids these days...tch!

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

Puts a completely new slant on "wash and brush up". Ouch!

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

It seems that the toilet mentioned in volume 1 was not actually talking to me. Turns out it had a radio fitted and the radio just happened to be tuned to a news or talk station. As soon as I learn Japanese I aim to have one of these technological marvels installed in my apartment asap.

It's to be hoped that they don't play the National Anthem at an inopportune moment...

The inability to find toilet rolls may be due to the incredible senstivity about such matters the Japanese seem to have. Perhaps they have to be ordered by mail and delivered under plain wrapping. I did hear recently that a recent trend in Japan is the taking of a pill which apparently removes any smell from farts, another area of Japanese sensitivity. I've no idea what the active ingredient is but perhaps Dr Bill can do a little research for us and have copious supplies of these distributed amongst the clientele of The Strawberry in time for the next game.

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2002

Can't believe you're all falling for this. Andy is safe and sound living in Loony's loft in deepest Sydney. Yes, the same loft that Loony lived in while spinning flimflam about an alleged trip to South America. You be believing Gus really does live in Perth next.

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2002

Andy, I am very concerned about your lack of loo-roll. I feel this cannot be helping your promotion prospects. Would you like us to ship you out a couple of dozen rolls? (Always assuming you can work out your address) (:o)

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2002

A very kind offer from Galaxy there Andy-san. Please don't try and take too much advantage of Galaxy's warm genorosity. For example, whatever happens, don't send the laundry round to her place.

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2002

ADK, I'll pick up a box of izal from the co-op for you this weekend, one sheet to clean the next to put on a shine ......

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2002

Can't we all send an email - he then prints them out and hey presto a use for our ramblings.

I'm off to bed.

Great stuff

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2002

Just back from Tokyo. Despite being warned what to expect, I`m in a state of shock. Kegsy is the most normal thing about the place, which says a lot - it`s totally insane. Will tell you more when I`ve recovered.

Cheers for all the helpful suggestions re the toilet situation, especially Galaxy`s - if you could all send me a roll each that would be great. Problem solved in the short term though as the conveniences on Japanese trains (about which more in volume 3) are abundantly stocked. Well, all except the ones on the Tokyo to Choshi train, from which half a dozen mysteriously disappeared a few hours ago. Allegedly.

Jonno, hadn`t heard about the fart smell pill, but I will endeavour to acquire some to send to the Strawberry (in exchange for a few bog rolls of course). However, I can tell you that some top-of-the-range toilets have a button that if pressed emits a flushing sound so that people can`t hear any unsavoury noises.

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2002

Clarky, don`t be too impressed with my courage, it`s only fear of going home and settling down that`s driven me here! Nick - going to be crowded here in LT`s loft when you visit isn`t it???

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2002

Well at least I know where to get toilet paper from ;-)

-- Anonymous, May 06, 2002

I`ll bring you a stack next time I come to Tokyo - bus is cheaper but there`s only one loo and nowhere to run if you get spotted. Train is well worth the extra 1000 yen!

-- Anonymous, May 07, 2002

Ah-so, you have found some toilet paper?! You must be feeling pretty relieved. (;o)

-- Anonymous, May 07, 2002