I`ve been in Japan for a couple of weeks now so I thought I`d share a few random observations with you. (Sydney clique don`t bother, it`s the same stuff I sent you a while ago).

-Choshi has a population of 77,246 including me. I know this because I had to go to the town hall to register as a resident foreigner - they actually added me on to their scoreboard style totaliser while I was there.

- The toilet in the hotel I stayed in speaks more Japanese than I do. Not sure what it was saying (get off you fat bastard perhaps?) but I did like the heated seat - very pleasant. The control panel on the toilet had 10 buttons but I was too frightened to press any of them.

- I am the only person in Choshi who crosses the road when the green man isn`t showing. The Japanese will stand and wait for 5 minutes for the lights to change even when the road is deserted. Mind you, most of the cars are absolutely tiny - I reckon 2 of them would have to hit me at a time to knock me over so I`m not too worried.

- I feel like a 3 year old - I can`t speak or read and have to rely on pointing and miming. You should see my udon noodles with chicken impression, it`s a winner....

- I have no idea what any of the products in the supermarket are. Not a clue. Many of them look as though they could be edible but they could be dog food for all I know. I`ve played it (relatively) safe so far and have eaten out but sooner or later I`m going to have to start cooking for myself.

- Those of you who thought I would be able to sort out a game of football after a couple of weeks underestimated me. I arrived on aWednesday, started work on Thursday and by Friday morning had found a student who plays 6-a-side every day in his lunch hour. Made my debut, didn`t exactly shine partly due to me being generally pretty crap and partly due to a stinking hangover. Game is just like Sydney Thursday football but without the drinking. Was hoping that I`d pick up a few Japanese phrases during the game but it seems that the Japanese word for `"offside" is, disappointingly, "offside".

- Every night out in Choshi (and I presume the rest of Japan) ends with karaoke and it`s virtually compulsory to participate. Over the last 3 nights Choshi has therefore been subjected to my unique versions of "Puff the Magic Dragon", "Ziggy Stardust", "Born to be Wild", "Paint it Black" and "I`m a Believer". Incompetence or tunelessness do not seem to be frowned upon. Or maybe they were just being polite.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2002

Answers

APologies if Kegsy has already bored you with this stuff.....

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2002

Thanks for that ADK - it was really good - a class piece of writing that the likes of Bill Bryson would have been proud of. Your Japanese travelogue is eagerly anticipated - I venture "Conversations with my toilet" as a working title.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2002

Sorry Jonno. It's been done before - sadly on many occasions when I was younger. Mind you, nearly every one was one-sided with me saying "Never again".

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2002

Never again ?

Surely you mean "Biiiilllll". "Huuuuiiiieee". "Never again".:-{E}

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2002

I thought it was HUUUGHIE and RAAALPH. Hev yi ivor noticed that when yr sick there's always diced carrots in it? And TAMATA SKINS!! I've nivor eaten tamata skins in my life.

Well, I have had one or two (hundred) such experiences but, pissed as I may have been, I never once heard the toilet answering back...

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2002

Further thought on this intrigues me to know what a toilet might actually say. I mean - the instructions in the use of such an item are fairly well understood by most of us, apart from (Sod's Law being what it is) the person who has just vacated the sole cubicle in the public convenience which you have just entered.

Such simplistic instructions remind me of the News Quiz recently when they read out a set of instructions found on a plastic packet of nuts on an American airline. The instructions said "1-Open Packet 2-Eat Nuts"

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2002

Must have been Business Class 'cos there's no room to eat your nuts in Economy.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2002

Great stuff, ADK - I`m looking forward to the next installment! (:o)

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2002

Andy, be careful of that toilet. If you press one of the buttons, a jet of water sprays 'up'.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2002

Great stuff Andy San....

Had an interesting ride on a revolving toilet seat in Germany.

but Kein Sprechen

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2002

Nice one Andy, more please!

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2002

Funny old world innit.....this Andy-san has just returned from Nippon too :-)

Fish in batter...it's what it's all about :-)

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2002