Tonight I was at work, and a regular customer came in. I refer to him only as "Travis Tritt" because he looks like the country singer by that name, from his fetching clothes right down to his sweet feathered mullet. And since everyone already knows I have an obsession with mullets, I thought I'd try to get you to mull them over with me. That customer has one. One of my bosses has one. Everyone at mulletsgalore.com has one. Why? What is the appeal? What are the advantages of the mullet, besides instantly qualifying you for a spot on the Jerry Springer Show?

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2002

Answers

My Weight Watchers leader has a mullet. Not only is it a mullet, but it's also permed with little tight curls. This is on a white woman with dyed blonde hair, and copious amounts of blue eyeshadow. Today she wore an outfit that resembled that of an airline stewardess, and at the last meeting she wore what looked like an evening gown. Keep in mind that the meeting I attend is at 9 am. There's no need for the fancy dress, even if you lost 42 lbs. in 1997.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2002

I'll kick things off for this one. In my extensive research, I have unearthed two possible attractions the mullet might hold. They are:

(a) Function: not having to worry about the hair around your face getting in your eyes or something like that.

(b) Versatility: the mullet has been described as "business in the front and a party in the back." The best of both worlds.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2002

One of my bosses (a female) has the sweetest mullet ever. She's older, so her hair is gray and coarse. The top of the mullet is permed into very tight, tight curls that gather closely about her head. The rear of the mullet is long and straight, and she styles it into a flip at the end. Whenever she gets nervous (which is often because she's weird, paranoid, and fidgety) she takes both hands and smooths down the back part of the mullet, always making sure to flip the ends up so as not to lose the style.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2002

Where's my dunce hat?.....

Poop. I've forgotten what a mullet is. The only closely resembling word that comes to mind is "millet", a backpack name brand popular in Japan and Europe-doesn't quite fit in with the context you've used above. For the slow one in the audience, explain chodai?

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2002

You've forgotten what a mullet is?! Tsk, tsk. A mullet is that style of haircut often referred to as a "short-long", since it's short (usually shorn) in the front, and long in the back. Nearly every female gym teacher sports one, and most country music stars. I think you should suggest to Guy that he grow his hair out into a mullet. I'm sure that'll attract the babes, for sure.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2002