Finally talked

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Ok...I never though I would do this, but here is my story...

I am a 29 year old women who met my husband 3 years ago. Prior to meeting him, I lived alone, had my own house, nice car, career, etc. I was a very independant person. However, when I met my husband, he was everything I thought I wanted. I am of hispanic decent and he is also, he was gorgeous, treated me with respect, brought me gifts, flowers, basically he swept me off my feet. I was in heaven.

One day about 4 months into the relationship, I came home to my ex-boyfriends pictures taped all over my walls and my husaband standing there with evil in his eyes. I told him that I didn't know that I still had pictures (he found them in the basement tucked away in a box). He made me rip up all the pictures and accused me of still wanting to be with him. He started asking me about the sex I had with my ex-boyfriend, he wanted to know every little detail of my sexual relationship. I told my husband that I had 3 boyfriends in the past and I had been with those 3 men sexually. He proceeded to tell me that I was dirty and I was a slut and whore because I wasn't a virgin. He told me that I was nothing special because I had been with 3 men and that I was used up. I cried and told him that I only loved him and that my past was a long time ago. I tried to convince him that he was the only man I truly loved.

About a month later we took a trip to Miami to visist family. One night while we were in Fla, me, my husband, & my cousin were on our way out to go dancing. I was driving my father's BMW and we were at a stop light and a car pulled next to us and the guy in the car was staring over at us. I looked back at him and said to my cousin, what is that guy staring at. We both laughed it off and proceeded to the night club. Well, my husband later told me that he knows that I was staring at that man and that I disrespected him and he was going to make me pay for it. On the night of our flight home, he brought up the incident about me looking at that man in the car. I denied it again and he hit me in the face...that was the first, but not the last time.

Since then, I have given birth to a wonderful baby girl. She is my life. However, my husband would have violent attacks while I was pregnant and he hit me. He would also come home and wake me up to interrigate me about my sexual history with other men. It disgusted me! I have since realized that my husband is also a sex addict. In the beginning, I thought that it was wonderful that he wanted me all the time, but it has gotten out of control. I don't think that he has ever had an affair, but I NEEDS sex 2-3 time a day and if I refuse for any reason, he tells me that I am a bad wife and that I don't take care of him. If more than a day goes by without sex, he will get very irritated and will start being mean to me. He has done EVERYTHING to me. Things that I had never done before. He told me this was his way of making me his since I was not a virgin.

Every time my husband goes into a violent rage, he blames everything on me. I deserved it because I would not quit talking..or if I just behaved he would not do what he does. He has done everything from slapping me, hit me with a metal weight lifting bar, choked me, etc.

I have done so much for my husband. I have provided him with a home, I have helped him get his citizenship, I have been a wonderful step-mom to his kids (oh, yeah...he has 2 kids from a women he never married), I always keep my home clean, I work full time, cook dinner every night, surrender to him when he needs me. I can't believe after he gets in his "moods" he wants to leave me!!! This infuriates me...how could he leave me after everything I have done for him. He has never actually left, but he threatens me all the time. I wish I hated him so that it would be easy for me to just let him go, but I don't hate him...I still love the jerk. I don't know why I feel like I need him...I don't know why I fear being alone. Everyone tells me that there are so many other men out there that would love to have a women like me, but I don't want my daughter to have a "stepdad". All I ever wanted was to be married and have a family. I am trying desperately to make this work, but I don't know what will happen.

I know this is a long story...sorry, but I have never spoken out before and there is so much more to tell.

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2002

Answers

Your husband is displaying classic abusive behavior. It will, most likely become worse. The cycles of abuse reapeat and progress to even more intense violence. I have been in three abusive relationships myself. The only solution that I've ever found is to get out of the relationship, abusers rarely change their behavior. Seek the help and advice of professionals. (I mean peole at an abuse shelter etc. They can help take their advise because sometimes when the abused spouse or other leaves the violence turns deadly!)Be careful!

When I experinced abuse I was faced with a choice to submit and live life on her, my assailants, terms or choose to survive. I too wanted to "work it out", very much. But it takes two I can not change my spouse. It took me awhile for this to sink in. Eventually, I chose survival. I and my children are all the better today because of that decision.

Good Luck Michael

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2002


I'm sorry to hear that your husband is such a bad example of what a man can be. What you and your daughter need is to be safe. A good step father is better than a dead mother. Please get counseling right away, and consider documenting his abuse. You are in love with love, not with that jerk.

-- Anonymous, July 27, 2002

Alminda:

I agree with Michael. Your husband is already displaying the classic symptoms of an abuser and will only get worse from here before he gets better, if he ever does. So far in your short marriage to him, heís displayed anger, jealousy, violence----even when you were pregnant. A man in his frame of mind is apt to do anything with little or no provocation and will justify it in his mind just like heís already justified his abuse of you up until now.

To him, youíve deserved it and in reality, you have not, so donít buy into his lies. Nobody deserves to be treated as you have been and heís setting a very poor example of what a loving relationship is supposed to look like for your young daughter. This will do long term damage to her that may never be unraveled except in therapy. You love him, yes---but you need to love your daughter enough to get her away from him? I always fall on the side of the children and believe me, being without a parent whoís a known abuser is usually better than being raised by a single parent who loves and nurtures. No child wants to live his or her life in fear, no child wants to see their parents as this child will grow to see the two of you---you as a victim, him as an abuser.

Any man worth his salt, who has any confidence in his own self-worth will know that a woman has probably had more than one partner before heís fortunate enough to be with her and those men before him have served to make her what she is now----just like the way he treats her will serve to make her what she is further down the road. The obvious question comes to mind----was he a virgin when you married him? Quite obviously not, he has two kids. Heís using a double standard against you just as my own wife used one---and many--- against me. Heís also using sex as a tool to hurt you worse, itís a pretty little trap--if you donít submit, then youíre not a good wife-- -if you do submit, he probably would say you were a slut and that would justify hurting you more, you canít win in a deal like that.

If heís threatening to leave you, can you really afford to have him stay? Think about it.

-- Anonymous, August 26, 2002


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