Thought long and hard about whether or not to put this up, but decided to grasp the nettle before I thought so long and hard I forgot what I was thinking long and hard about.

And, yes, a preposition is something one should never end a sentence with.:-{E}

Real excerpts from the Queen Mum's Book of Remembrance:

"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade Towers. At last we can look the people of New York in the face". L.Ward, Mansfield.

"When Diana died I swore I would never smile again, but eventually I did. Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot image that I will ever smile for the rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too". A.Christie,Hendon.

"She was one of the old school, all the remaining royals are shit” J.Clement. Grantham.

"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly" D.Holmes, Somerset.

"She was a trooper and she never gave up. I remember one time she was visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the Nazis and I won't give in to the bladder'. That's how she was, a fighter, who refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed herself later though, it was sickening". B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.

"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover". L. J.Worthington, Penrith.

"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off". S.Wilson, Bristol.

"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal family without being accused of being homosexual". J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.

"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to experiment with drugs". E. Franks, Cheshire.

"On behalf of all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences". T.Watson, Ilford.

"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy it could still drive around the Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists". Y. Howell, Slough.

"Once again the Queen is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should have a bit more compassion. How would she feel if it was her mother?" W.Waugh, Richmond.

"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads". K. O'Neil, Inverness.

"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this small setback put an end to her public duties". N. Wallace, Swansea.

"I hold Princess Margaret in no small way responsible for this terrible event" E. Thompson, West Lothian.

"Bomb Iraq for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better" P.McGregor, Southampton.

"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin". R. Thompson, Bath.

"I have been unable to masturbate for five days, and will not do so again until Her Majesty is buried" E. Gorman, Derbyshire.

"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell?" R. Combes, Romford.

"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard" G. Hollins, East Sussex.

"I remember she came to visit us in the East End one time. She was so kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'You know its not true' she said, 'you don't smell of shit'. She was a wondrous person". E.Collier, London.

"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting as Diana". G.Williams, West Midlands.

"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am". L. Weller, Harlow.

"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!" J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.

"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege and comfort".

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

Answers

Abominable pap.

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

.....just how many pseudonyms do you have, PB? ;o{)

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard" G. Hollins, East Sussex.

Cracked me up

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

Well, that made me laugh a lot :-D

Can anyone tell me if they signed a Book Of Condescension? And what exactly happens to them after all the fuss? I mean, apart from American tourists (sorry Ciara ;-) ) who would want to read trite crap from nobodies that sound like badly written letters to the (S)Express?

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

..... you mean apart from the saddos on here, Bobby? ;o{)

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

Honest Clarky, they're just as I got them via e-mail, unsolicited, I might add, and I don't for one second believe any of them are genuine, but I can't deny, distastefull as they might be, some of them made me laugh. Apologies for any offended sensibilities.

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

...they certainly didn't offend me - some of them are crackers.

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

Yes, clarky, the sad losers on here ;-) No, comments on here are a bit different from queueing at the local library and scribbling three lines of drivel. For a start, being a BBS everything is (fairly) temporary and only really 'exists' in an etheral form. Users can choose to contribute, read or ignore threads.

What I don't get is the need to go through a bizarre kind of catharsis by expressing your grief (genuine or otherwise) with pen and ink that nobody will ever read, least of all the family one is supposed to be condoling.

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

i find the whole tone of this thread very distasteful

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

Right thats it Pit Bill, your barred.

How dare you post that on here and think that anyone would find anything about it funny. You will not be getting any more unsolicited videos through the post, unless you specifically ask for them.

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

Bobby, once again you show yourself to be grossly out of touch with the mood of the nation and would be best advised to keep your trap shut on these issues. Don't anybody dare mention censorship. The words I used are "best advised". (This is called getting your retaliation in first - before the noisy minority misinterpret yet another of my posts and attribute opinions to me I have never expressed.)

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

..... unless you specifically ask for them.

Keep them coming bonny lad. unless they're the subtle-hint type you sent Screacher via Steph. :-{E}

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

... Bobby, once again you show yourself to be grossly out of touch with the mood of the nation ...

McBeth's just as bad. :-{E}

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

"I am absolutely devastated, at least we could have got the day off". S.Wilson, Bristol.

I did wonder if they would call a national holiday.

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

Is she dead then? They kept that bloody quiet didn't they?

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

Jonno, I can't tell if you're just ribbing me or actually think I'm talking crap. The italics are putting me off :-) I'm not even going to get into a war of semantics about 'best advised' either. The only advise I usually take is from my wife, my bank manager and my publican. Sometimes my mam too.

If you were serious, then I would still like an explanation as to why it's a good thing for there to be this book of condolence thing. As far as I can see it's self-serving, patronising and an ultimately futile act. If people actually want to express their support or grief for someone, perhaps a large donation to a charitable cause. Dare I say that it impresses me more that people queued up for hours to walk past the QM's coffin than to scribble in a book that will ne'er see the light of day again 'sorry to hear you're dead'. Well, maybe Blue Peter in 2052 will dig around the BBC archives for them.

As for being in touch with the mood of the nation - I can't claim to have any special powers to generalise 58million opinions. Ask if Yuri Geller could ask them all to focus at about 10.50pm on Saturday night :-)

Disclaimer - all the above is in the best hearted spirit of the BBS. I've too many enemies already...alreet Kennyboy? ;-)

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2002

I would still like an explanation as to why it's a good thing for there to be this book of condolence thing. As far as I can see it's self-serving, patronising and an ultimately futile act.

You are displaying a quite breathtaking ignorance of human sensitivities and feelings by asking why so many MILLIONS of people, voluntarily and under no duress whatsoever, felt it necessary to say goodbye to a much LOVED individual in their own way, either by filing past a coffin, and/or writing their own tributes in a book of condolence.

Who signed you say? Well I did for one. Probably wouldn't have bothered but my 8 year old stepdaughter wanted to (the pages were available in Tesco's for signature) and it would have been churlish of me in the extreme not to follow her example. I found her tribute simple, affectionate and moving - you would no doubt find it trite crap from a nobody.

A futile act? I performed equally futile acts when I said goodbye to me mam 7 years ago. What on earth was the point of writing her a letter and placing it in her coffin alongside a favourite photo of her and me at my graduation (a futile ceremony to me but one of the happiest days of her life). She wasn't able to read it and two hours later the whole pile was ashes. Could anything more futile be imagined? Except, of course, that it was something I felt a deep need to do, and is a memory I will always have of a tender and painful goodbye.

who would want to read trite crap from nobodies that sound like badly written letters to the (S)Express?

Nobodies? - All the millions who signed (including me and my stepdaughter) nobodies? Trite crap? On what do you base this judgement? Obviously SOMEONE read them to assemble the first thread on here. And EITHER you read some of them yourself in order to form such a superior judgement OR you are talking out of ignorance - which is it? I think we should be told.

ONE of us is grossly out of touch here (with the mood of the nation, with sensitivities and with human feelings) - and I don't think it's me.

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2002

Like most of the generalised comments on here, it's GENERALISED. But as you've brought in some personal remarks, I'll witter on. I stand by my belief that expressing false emotions in a book that no one will read ever again is a waste of time and does nothing to better the world. It is not constructive or conducive to bettering life, which is surely an essential part of any grieving process. If your stepdaughter felt better after writing in a book at Tescos, then that's great. But when I was 8 yrs old I cried all night after reading the first chapter in Black Beauty. My wife works at a primary school and reported none (that is ZERO) weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth over the QM's death. I can only believe true expressions of distress can come from personal involvement. Sure, we can feel upset at the death of a national figure. I will feel saddened when the inevitable happens to Bobby Robson. But I don't expect Tyneside to turn out and shed tears. And much as the man means to my football club I believe it would be disengenuous to grieve as I would a member of my family. It's not the same thing. In fact, I would find it offensive. What room for expression of emotion is there left for those genuinely a part of our lives if all our deeply felt misery is poured out for a stranger (i.e. someone one has never met!)?

And nowhere in my posting did I make any personal comments about you or your family. I really can't believe you brought up your mother's funeral. That it totally out of order. We have nearly all lost someone close, family and friends, and that bereavement is purely personal. I will not have a battle of moralities with you over the loss of parents. It is a totally seperate thing to lose a mum, dad, child compared to the Queen Mother or Princess Diana.

And it wouldn't take very long for any of us with half a wit to come up with the 'genuine real excerps' above. I really can't believe you think someone has actually spent time ploughing through any books and collated all the amusing comments. In answer to you all ("I think we should be told" - do you write for Private Eye, do you speak for the nation?) no, I haven't bothered myself to read any remarks in any of the books of whatever. My mum was upset at Diana's death, but never went to write in any book because she thought it a waste of time. One of my best mates was also upset (and takes some offence at my Diana opinions) but didn't sign a book. Neither did one of the elderly women my mum works with express a desire to sign anything. In fact, one lady (of 102!) told my mum she thought the whole QM thing was overdone and it's about time it finished. Not a single person I work with has signed any book either. And none of the friends I know have. I don't think it's ignorance. Perhaps my research is not as extensive as yours. I would welcome the opportunity to read a summary of a few of these books just to keep me in touch with the mood of the nation. I take it your own opinion is well informed with a host of quotes that you have read recently.

As for being out of touch, well if expressing and defending my beliefs is such, then mea culpa. I will keep my sensitivities for people I love.

ps - Jonno, in all things I hope you are happy and well :-)

pps - a ring binder of sadness will be available for signing when I die.

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2002

Some absolute winners in amongst that lot Bobby. A bit of perspective here please; she was 101, she had a long and extremely enjoyable life, her passing was hardly a tragedy. September 11th was tragic, Demalola Taylor was tragic and at a push, Lady Di's death was tragic. Books of condolence in Tesco just about sums the whole circus up, were they giving 20p off a tin of butter beans with every message?

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2002

I mentioned me mam purely to demonstrate futile acts - and to demonstrate that what logically one might regard as futile actually serves a purpose for the individual performing the act. I can see it would have been better to quote the example as hypothetical rather than a scene from my own life so I apologise for the use of the story in this way.

I haven't read many of the comments myself. But then I made no judgement on their quality. You did. You called them trite and now openly admit to not having read them. (A bit like "Digusted of Tunbridge Wells" who denounces the lastest controversial movie without seeing it)

Outpouring of grief? - once again this phrase gets mentioned. The QM death was not unexpected and I don't think there was an outbreak of grief or many tears expressed. I would EXPECT zero wailing and gnashing of teeth at a primary school and can't think why you chose to mention it. What was expressed was simple love, respect and gratitude for a well loved national figure. All entirely harmless and beyond me why anyone would take it upon themselves to criticise.

Mood of the nation? No extensive research is required. You need only look at the numbers (of nobodies) who chose to make their own simple (trite) tributes. At my local Tescos there were rheams of paper containing these simple tributes and no shortage of people of all ages going along to sign, despite the fact this was a location where a good many of us want to be in and out of with a minimum of delay. All who signed WANTED to. There was no obligation and no Tesco club card points on offer or reward of any kind for those did.

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2002

Mea culpa Jonno. I posted this as just an example of sick black humour, which, whether we like it or not, exists, and which, for my sins, made me laugh.

I hoped the other sickos like me would take it in the spirit in which it was offered, and the rest would just ignore it or use it as further evidence to prove how sad I must be.

I don't believe for a minute that any of this garbage is genuine. I'd despair of the human race even more if any of it actually did appear in any book of condolances.

The last thing I wanted was for it to deteriorate into a haranguing match, but maybe I should have known better, in which case I apologise and next time will make the warning about the contents much more explicit.

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2002

No need to apologise, PB. It's far more interesting to have a debate of passionately held views than tippy-toe around making sure everyone is catered for and won't be offended. Besides, whatever is posted on this BBS, the sun will continue to rise in the morning and my chances of winning the Lottery are just as slim.

I mentioned Primary schools by way of example that not all 8 yr olds have reacted like your stepdaughter. And I make no judgement over her own motives or feelings. That around 170,000 chose to queue for hours on a sunny weekend doesn't reflect a national mood either. As has been pointed out, 2 games of PL football in the North East beats that, and as you have already highlighted, many of these make great efforts to travel. There are about 8 millions in London, so over 7.75 millions chose not to go. Is there an imbalance that the loudest voices were heard and the silent majority ignored?

You can buy me a beer over a lengthy discussion sometime - prefer to drink it than wear it, though :-)

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2002

I take it some of your last was for Jonno, Bobby. My offspring have long since flown the coop. :-{E}

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2002

"It's far more interesting to have a debate of passionately held views than tippy-toe around making sure everyone is catered for and won't be offended".

Sound view Bobby - it's what keeps this place lively and interesting.

I certainly prefer that approach than the current rash of regurgitation of ancient threads that usually say "nah nah, nah nah nah....I was right, and you were wrong, so there." Big feckin deal!

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2002

PB - aye, indeed it was. Just got carried away with the posting :-) But the very last bit could also include you...rarely refuse a free pint, me.

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2002

At the risk of kicking all this off again, I`m still waiting for someone to tell me what she`s been doing for the last 60 years.....

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2002

Loving this, and I think the Queen Mum's renowned sense of humour would love the original posting, she was a big fan of Ali G you know

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2002

....aye, apparently she did a cracking impression of Ali G. Now that I would have paid to see. ;o{)

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2002

did you not see it ?

She sang "I float like a butterfuly and sting like a bee ..."

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2002

The feeling's mutual Bobby. In fact, next time you're passing, pass. :-{E}

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2002

I`m still waiting for someone to tell me what she`s been doing for the last 60 years.....

Why is that important to you? What is special about the last 60 years of a person's life? If YBR were to retire now, live to a remarkable age of 130 and do nothing but sit in a deck chair for the next 60 years, would the correct assessment of his life be to ask what he has done for the last 60 years? The whole life is what counts, obviously.

To (not) answer your question, I have very little idea what QM did in the last 60 years of her life nor have I much idea what she did in the first 41 years to be honest. I'll put that down as ignorance on my part rather than a judgement of QM. Whatever she was doing, it seems evident that a lot of people liked her for it.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2002

I was curious about the last 60 years because she has been fulsomely praised in some quarters for the marvellous job she did - many people (not necessarily on here) have expressed this as a reason for their grieving. However, I`ve yet to hear of her actually DOING anything other than visit the East End during the war, and go to lots of horse races. I can`t ever even recall hearing her voice until after she died, and that was a recording of a 40s radio broadcast. I stand to be corrected here - maybe she was a tireless worker for charities, an advocator of minority rights, or someone who worked her socks off for the good of the country. If so, I`d like to know.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2002

Al, enough with this disrespect. She kept an army of medics in full employment for manyb years, all paid for by her loyal and loving subjects. Isn't that sufficient?

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2002

Meanwhile, not a word about Billy Wilder? RIP.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2002

A word or two here for the legendary director...RIP indeed

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2002

Billy Wilder? - Well you could have started a thread Dan. Great director - The Apartment is one of my all time faves.

And it's Beyond my Ken why we had no mention of Barry Took. Listening to a few exerpts from "Round the Horne" and "Beyond our Ken" in the wake of his departure, I'm surprised at just how timeless these comic masterpieces are, and surprised how risque they were for their time. Certainly I was too young to get half the jokes. :-)

Obviously not a good career move to expire within days of the QM.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2002

Aye. Just ask Mother Teresa (popped her sandals the same day Diana went for a spin).

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2002

Points of View (and BBC Radio) Barry Took died? Sorry to hear that, I quite liked him. The news didn`t make it over here, unsurprisingly.....

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2002