Let's talk about it...

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On a thread a few day ago I made a remark that I wished we could get back some family values in this country. One of the replies was "Depends on who's family and what values we're talking about." This got me thinking!! Is there a big difference in family values in theis country, or do most people have basically the same values? Which ones are important in your family? What values do you consider "basic" to society as a whole? How does the loss of these common values affect society over all?

Let's talk about it!!!

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), April 14, 2002

Answers

Here are my TOP 5 values that I think are important for all families to uphold. I think the whole world would be a much better place if they were! Actually it would be pretty close to perfect, but I don't suppose it is possible...

1. Honesty- If people were honest with each other, in their families, their jobs, their relationships with all people, this would eliminate a lot of troubles right away. I make it my goal to always tell the truth...

2. Respect- to treat with propriety and consideration. I don't have to agree with you, nor you with me, but we can have a basic respect with one another. Respect your spouse, your parents, your children

3. Reliability- Several are wrapped up here. Do what you say you are going to do, let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Let your word be your bond. Take care of your children, your family, stick around and raise your kids.

4. Work hard- Don't expect others to take care of you! Don't expect to get anywhere in this world without putting in some good hard work.

5. Love- Love one another, love your neighbor as yourself, treat others like you want to be treated.

This is part of my idea of what "family values" mean. There is much, much more but I will let you all add your thoughts as well. I hope we can get a good response to this question...

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), April 14, 2002.


I like all of yours, and I would add just one more that I can think of right now to the list, and that is Manners. Use your pleases and thank you's, hold the door and don't let it slam in the face of the person behind you, and PLEASE don't cuss in public - I have enough problems without trying to explain to my three year old why we don't call people "idiot"!

-- Christine in OK (cljford@mmcable.com), April 14, 2002.

A big one for me is LOYALTY!

-- Ardie/WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), April 14, 2002.

If my children were still at home, No 1 we would all sit down to dinner at the same time. I think now I would get rid of the TV. no 2 I would make sure my children said Yes mame, and NO Sir. to all people when spoken to. They would wear proper clothing. and no belly button pierceing, or nose. We as a family would sit down and discuss the problems of the day. And in this day and age, I would pray a prayer over each child as she or he left the house for school. I also would tell them every day how proud I was of them, and give each a big hug.

-- Irene texas (tkorsborn@cs.com), April 14, 2002.

I don't know how to 'classify' these exactly, but will say some things that have mattered to me....especially now that I am a mother...

1. We always ate dinner as a family - if we weren't there, we better have a darn good excuse & we couldn't get up until everyone was finished

2. We were expected to go to church every Sun. & every Sun. was a family day

3. We kissed & hugged our parents 'goodnight' every night before bed, until we left the house (for me that was 17) - my brothers did this as well (when we are visiting our parents, we still do it!)

These are just a few things that I have reflected on in the years since leaving home - I'm grateful for MY family's values! They made me who I am today.

Great question Melissa! ;)

-- heather (h.m.metheny@att.net), April 14, 2002.



I added a value for my family. Kindness. It is possible to critisize without being rude or nasty. Other than that the family I grew up in has fairly impressive morals. People work hard, look out for each other and are "honorable" in the old-fashioned sense.

-- Terri (hooperterri@prodigy.net), April 14, 2002.

I grew up in an immigrant neighborhood in Boston's South End..not "Southie"..that was nearly all Irish..the South End is different..my family was the only one whose adults spoke English that I knew..that's why I get a tad broiled when folks insist that other cultures are diferent..they are NOT..oh, their language may be different, and their mode of dress, and their selection of prefered foods, but their inherent human values are not....respect for adults, especially older adults, spirituality, modesty, fair-play, honesty dealings in trade,self-worth, propriety in a neighborhood, admiration for those who achieve success via their own efforts..those are all the same.....we have more in common with one another than we have differences. Sitting on a stoop with a woman from Senegal next to a woman from Crete across the alley from a woman from the former USSR, all talking at once to their respective children while we gathered to play handball against the brick building was a treat! Their mothers all dreamed the same dreams for their children in America, just in different languages...I was incredibly blessed to spend my teen-aged years in that "slum"....The biggest lesson I learned was never, ever to judge folks by their language or by their "looks", but by their character alone...they don't have to look like me or speak like me to be like me in their hearts....

-- lesley (martchas@bellsouth.net), April 14, 2002.

My family has to have a sense of humor or I will feel justified in killing them ;-)

-- Peace and Carrots Farm, Vermont (wsm311@aol.com), April 15, 2002.

I just read a book in the Uncle Eric Series. I highly recommend the entire series. It is actually written for young people, but it explains so many things about why our country is the way it is... both good and bad. We have gotten away from Common Law. Common Law is what our country was founded on. It is only 2 rules, but they can be used in a home, or in a business or in a government.... 1. Don't encroach on the property or rights of others. 2. Do ALL you agreed to do. So many little squabbles and big ones, would not be there if everyone followed these 2 principles.

-- MB (amazingraze@bright.net), April 15, 2002.

Not to get things started but dont we already have 10 rules to live by?

-- Gary in Ohio (gws@columbus.rr.com), April 15, 2002.


Hi Gary!! I was trying to think of who, what, where, when etc... Then I thought OH... Ok!!!

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), April 15, 2002.

Melissa, The rules are a bit old but still holding strong.

-- Gary in Ohio (gws@columbus.rr.com), April 15, 2002.

Spend time together as a family (talking, walking, vacationing, playing games together). I was never big on dinner together, because I have seen it have just the opposite effect at times (Johnny, eat your food! No! Big argument ensues.). Also, depending upon how your metabolism is and your family's eating schedule/habits, it can contribute to obesity later on.

I think the reply was right on about "who's family and what values we're talking about". For example, I often hear about people getting heartburn over which in-laws to spend certain holidays with. Some solutions: 1)just spend holidays with immediate family, in other words, don't go to either in-law's house, there are 364 other days in the year; 2) if the problem is that spouse doesn't get along with in-law, then don't make the spouse go, you go see your family and he goes and sees his. No big deal.

I used in-laws as an example because they can be a source of friction in many otherwise fine marriages.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), April 15, 2002.


I'm not sure what to call this value - it shares something with tolerance and grace and generosity of spirit, but I guess I'd say that I think the most important value I have is that I'd like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt - assume that their intentions are good, their motives are kind and that they are doing the best they can.

As a religious Jew, I'm very uncomfortable when people start talking about universal or shared values, particularly when they call them Judeo-Christian values. I consider my values very important, but I know that some of the things that I believe as a Jew are very different than things that many Christians believe. If that is true of religions as closely tied historically as Judaism and Christianity, how much harder is for those whose values arise from a genuinely different culture? For example, Jews do not believe that what you think is as important as how you act - it is not possible to commit adultery in your heart, or to sin by having a bad thought about someone. Sins are acts for us. Jews also do not recognize the forgiveness of sin based upon repentence - only the person sinned against can forgive, and G-d's forgiveness comes *after* that - so if you have not requested and received forgiveness for your offense from the person you sinned against, you cannot be forgiven. I bring this up not to be arcane, but because it explains in a small way why I (and I think a lot of religious minorities) shy away from value conversations - the assumption is that we all have the same basic values, and I think that in some ways most Americans do. But very deep and significant differences in values can arise because of small theological, or cultural or historical issues, and can be very basic. I hear the word family values, and I suspect that we are talking about Christian values - I have good reason to appreciate Christian values, and to value the Christians I know, but I worry about how quickly talk of shared values sometimes turns to enforcing specific values that it is assumed we all share.

Does this make any sense?

-- Sharon in NY (astyk@brandeis.edu), April 15, 2002.


Sharon, as I indicated in my first response, when speaking of family "values" they are not necessarily of a single culture, but universal..the Orthodox Jews in my neighborhood would not have permitted their daughters to go about the area in unmodest dress, just as the lady from Senegal wouldn't have, nor would my Mother, etc...same with "honest dealings in business" as well as respect for elders, etc. etc. etc..every single one of my neighbors shared these common values, regardless of their nationality or religion..there WERE many differences, of course, but they were mostly in tradition, rather than anything else. I never met a single family where it was acceptable for the young to ignore the old, or the girls to flaunt their sexuality, or the family to accept stealing, lying, cheating, adultery, etc. etc. etc...I call these things "basic human values" inherent in any society..the remainder of cultural, traditional things are just as important or not important at all, depending upon the individual....I led an unusual cosmopolitan life for a teen, being invited and welcomed into many different homes and had the pleasure of being influenced by many quite different cultures (not to mention learning to cook hundreds of ethnic foods!)...civilized people are the SAME in these basic values, surrounded by different traditions. Where values differ, are those of modern society where transexuality, etc. would be forced on those who deem it to be sinful, etc. etc..I think when folks get ruffled about "whose values", etc. it is this they may be referring to, VS true cultural differences.

-- lesley (martchas@bellsouth.net), April 15, 2002.


I think values can be seperate from religion. To some religion offers a reason, or a particular set of values... however I do believe that we must as a society agree to a set of "rules" that we will go by. I still stand by my list, thinking that regardless of your religion, or non-religion they are a good place to start...

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), April 15, 2002.

I agree that there are shared values, and things that are common to most cultures - but there are very deep differences. I guess I was particularly troubled by the words, "family values" in this post, words that have been coopted to support a particular political agenda. I agree that all cultures consider, for example, treating the elderly well important, but I'm not sure that generality is enough to say - that is, most Asians and Africans would be appalled by what most Americans consider honoring their elders. I brought up religious differences because I think there are deep and easily misunderstood cultural distinctions between people - one could easily say that they value, "respect for others," without specifying what they mean, only to discover that things that are respectful in my home are not acceptable in yours. I don't think the concept of shared values is a bad one, only one to be very cautious with.

-- Sharon in NY (astyk@brandeis.edu), April 16, 2002.

I'm the one who made the "who's values" comment on the other thread. I said that because quite often when someone issues a cry for a return to "traditional family values", what they're really wanting is a return to "Caucasian Christian values". "Traditional family values" is just a smoke screen for a specific religious and political agenda.

-- Sherri C in Central Indiana (CeltiaSkye@xaol.com), April 17, 2002.

That is a sad thing if someone is using something as wonderful as "family values" in a political agenda. I dislike politics for many reasons, so I rarely keep up with the "lingo" they are using!! To me good values are something that are desirable to pursue. I just "hope" that there are still a few people out there who are teaching their children that being a good person is important...

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), April 17, 2002.

I think all the ideas are good and I would like to add one more. The atmosphere in the home. I try to make my home a peaceful refuge and a safe haven. I insist that everyone's privacy be respected.I want everyone that enters to feel welcome, comfortable, and at ease. If I achieve that, then everything else just seems to fall into place.

-- Gayle in KY (gayleannesmith@yahoo.com), April 18, 2002.

i think that gettin ur belly pierced is ok,i see NO harm in it and do u think the same and i think that my daughter is ok to get it done,what do u think?

-- Tiffany Lee Jhonson (biggurl1987@yahoo.com), June 14, 2002.

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