AS A NEW, RATHER SHY physical therapist, I enjoyed conversing with my patients but would become uncomfortable when questioned about my personal life. One day a 100-year-old woman, after learning I was married, asked if we had any children. When I told her no, she countered, "And why not?" "We're both just starting careers," I replied, "and we don't have the time." This silenced her for a moment while I sighed with relief. Then she shook her head, patted me on the hand and said, "Sweetie, it only takes 15 minutes!" -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "All In a Day's Work" by Timothy Kazimer

Subject: pigs........... Dear Mr. Abby Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a man?

Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it

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Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

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Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

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Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

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Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should -- he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.

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Dear Mr. Abby: Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

http://www.farts.com/osama.htm

And just for Carl and Peter.....

http://www.farts.com/cgi-bin/aproc.cgi?typ=squeak&page=askrex.htm&rexnum=0

Ask Dr. Rex

Because so many of you have been asking fart related questions and because there is no other forum in which to "air" these issues, we are proud to announce the addition of a new weekly feature on this site: Ask Dr. Rex.

I, Dr. Rex Breefs, the foremost fart expert on this planet, will entertain your questions and comments here each week. Below you'll find the current edition of "Ask Dr. Rex". If you want to see some of the past editions, just click on the "List" button at the bottom of this page!

Now, you may be asking yourself: "Hey, fartboy, what the hell makes you so qualified to tell me about farts???" And, I may be thinking to myself: "Shut up!!!!" Now, on to your letters.....

Squeek Of The Week The Squeek of the Week is really an educational forum. You will download a fart and listen to it, then you will read a critique of the fart (written by you-know-who). Eventually, you will learn what makes certain farts masterpieces,while most are just, well, just floating air-biscuits. Feel free to take notes.

Click here to download the squeek and then scroll down to read the Squeek review or, just click on the link below to hear the Squeek and the review in RealAudio

-- Anonymous, April 11, 2002

Answers

Don't lite that match!

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2002

Regarding fart.com, and the ability to send farts by e-mail, would anyone happen to have Hillary's e-mail address?

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2002

http://clinton.senate .gov/email_form.html

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2002

hahahahaahh BF you be bad!!!!!

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2002

Fart.com has a link to a cartoon video of Britney Spears farting up a storm. Assuming they didn't get her permission, how can they get away with that?

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2002