I went to the questions and answers board and saw only questions about males being abused. I was a bit surprised. I am well aware that there are some men abused by females, but as the stronger sex I do not understand why they cannot stop the abuse. Also, is this site anti-feminine or what?

Having been a victim of domestic violence, it would have been much easier to break away had I been physically stronger. I'm very confused.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2002

Answers

Hi, MM... I, too am a former victim of abuse. I am a female, and I have responded to some of the postings because I, too, could have become an abuser. I was so filled with rage at what I had gone through, some of which is not reversable, that I could have easily become like the women being talked about on this forum so far. I have to be constantly vigilant with the physical damage that my ex has caused. I do, however, take some responsibility for what happened. There were MANY signs that I ignored, and so enabled him to continue abusing me. That was REAL hard for me to come to terms with..that I may have been partially resonsible for what happened to me just because I was so dysfunctional myself. I mean, you will usually draw to you someone who is as "healthy" as you are. I am NOT condoning what he did, nor am I putting the blame on any person going through an abusive situation, I am simply stating that it is ultimately our responsibility to remove ourselves from this type of situation. I am a very strong willed woman, yet I remained with my abuser for WAY too long! It was the little things, like why isn't supper made for 6PM even though he wasn't usually home til 7, and who am I putting nail polish on for? I am an artist, and I always liked to paint at night. that, too became a problem, as I must have been painting to avoid being with him. I left this man 6 times before I finally left for good. Abusers are EXPERTS at making people feel like they cannot live without them, and that any problems are the fault of the victim. Well, my life may have been harder afterwards, but it sure was better! Anyway, I just wanted to say that these days, it seems that Men who are abused face the stigma that since they are "supposed to be" physically stronger, these things shouldn't be happening. But they ARE happening, and at an alarming rate! Maybe the women on this forum just don't want to deal with the abuse any longer, and are staying silent. I'm not sure. But you are correct...BOTH sexes are being abused these days. I wish you peace...Judy

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2002

Coming from an abusive relationship I understand where you are coming from. Don't blame yourselves for staying in the relationship. It is all about survival. If you lived to leave the relationship then you have survived more than a lot of other women. There are tons of women and children's support groups out there. So look into getting the peace of mind you deserve.

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2002

Dear MM,

-- Anonymous, April 11, 2002

Dear MM, I understand where your coming from but they do have alot of question and answer sites for abused men because men are the stronger sex and if they are being abused their "macho egos" come out and they become ashamed about it or are in fear that people will think they are weak. And also the answer to your question about they are the stronger sex why cant they stop the abuse? They cannot stop the abuse because for one they are ashamed and two just like in your situation it hard to stop abuse you said possibly you could stop it if you wete physically stronger but domestic abuse is the same for male and female victims the perpetrator manipulates you and trys to take control making you feel like you are the one at fault Intimidation over the person is the top priority of the perpetrator so stopping the cycle is hard until you make the conscious decision to get out. I work with female and male victims of abuse everyday. The cycle to get help and starting over is a long road and takes time.

-- Anonymous, April 11, 2002

There are other factors that have been overlooked as well. One, women have so many places to turn when they are abused. County facilities exist nearly everywhere and offer much help to women when they need it. Most facilities won't help men when they need it, so men don't feel they have anywhere to turn. The Internet offers a place for them to seek help, voice their pain and find validation in a safe environment where they are hidden behind the safety of an alias. Second, because men are made to feel ashamed for being a victim, so we typically don't talk about it for fear of being ridiculed. When we pop online and see that we really arent the only men going through this, quite often it opens the flood gates of emotion and many men speak out. On that same note, the majority of society has been saturated with movies, television commercials, radio ads and subway or bus posters educating america about abused women. We get it, women are abused. That fact alone creates an environment where women feel confident in speaking out locally, to friends, coworkers and agencies wanting to help. Men bottle it up, and have very few places to turn. Lastly, being physically stronger HAS NOTHING TO DO with domestic violence. Let me repeat that, physical size has nothing to do with DV. Many men are abused before they even knew what was coming. The first time I was abused, my wife broke my nose and blackened my eye before I even knew she was swinging at me. Sure, I am physically strong enough to stop it after that point, but I couldnt stop the abuse from happening in teh first place. What about th emen who are sleeping while their female counterpart cuts off certain body parts? What about men that are stabbed while not paying attenition, or poisoned at the dinner table? An abuser can strike when the prey is at its weakest point. Comedy shows teach us that slappping men is funny. Society teaches us that killing cheating husbands is applauded behavior. Let me end by saying this, if someone yells at you or verbally abuses you, walk away from them. If someone cheats on you, leave them. There is NEVER justification for physically harming someone, especially someone you care about. Don't overlook that the real damage isn't the bruises or wounds. The real damage is the emotional scars that we endure and have to live with because someone we loved and trusted hurt us. . . The bruises fade, but the pain remains the same. This isn't a gender issue. This is a human issue. Or perhaps I should say humane.

-- Anonymous, February 10, 2003

That is crap about women having somewhere to turn to when they are abused. Women's refuges turn women away everyday because there is simply no room for them. For many women asking for help is extremely demoralising and to then be told there is nowhere they can go is crushing. Many women who are abused are financial dependent on their husbands (men are rarely in this situation), this makes leaving so much harder. It is still a great source of shame for a woman to admit to being abused, even today they are often not believed. I agree that noone should be abused, but I greatly object to Preston's comments ( and others on here), he seems to be arguing that things are so much worse for men who are abused...they don't have access to resources...they have great shame.....well buddy women are still facing these exact same obstacles, however the emotional difficulties we face when leaving are compounded by financial dependence on our partners. All I want to say is that men should stop making comparisions between yourselves and women, it is unsightly.

-- Anonymous, February 11, 2003

I see I have not been wrong. Anna, you are such a 'whiner'. 'Nobody is helping you', 'Men have it soo easy'. I am so tired of hearing that nobody likes you. Well I am beginning to believe it, because I only read this one input and I don't like you either. Let me guess, there is not enough money being given to you and your causes. Shall we change that. How much would be enough for you- a couple of TRILLION dollars, youare right, that still would not be enough. Well there is NO money given to help men. And as you said (in different terms) 'You are acting like a crybaby'. Don't try to sell that snake oil to me, I didn't buy it before and especially do not buy it now.

-- Anonymous, February 11, 2003

What a sweetheart you are Joe! Actually I was speaking from the perspective of a professional who works with women in domestic violence situations. You are absolutely right, I believe a hell of alot more money should be put into this area. People like you, honey, like to whinge and whine about all the money that is spent on social welfare causes, yet you have no trouble with billions being spent on weapons of mass destruction and silly little boys sending other silly little boys (along with the odd token minority) into space. I absolutely agree that money should be put into helping men in DV situations. I'm delighted that you dislike me, and pleased that I could cause you such discomfort with such little effort on my part.

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2003

Hello MM:

I don't think the site intends to be anti-feminine, it's just there are many insecure people who live in a perpetual state of denial, and people who are confused because the reality of DV isn't always a situation where a woman is only beaten by a man. I am very sorry about your situation. My situation is very different where my mother was abused by her boyfriend, but she also allowed my brother to beat me. "Domestic Violence Accounts" on greenspun.com-LUSENET might be a better board that has responses similar to your situation.

As for the "stronger sex" not being able to fend off abuse from women. How many times have you heard that boys aren't allowed to hit girls, or it's unlady like to fight. I swear gender biases are the biggest underlying problems in DV. It almost sounds like your blaming men who are abused by women.

LEE

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2003