I'm not sure if this is a religious question, or a child rearing question or both! I'm trying to help my youngest daughter (11 years old) get through the death of her friend. We are Christians and believe in Heaven and God. It's just been hard on her lately, She lost a cousin in November, a cousin in December, her great grandfather last week and now her friend was killed in an accident last night. He was digging and the dirt caved in on him.

I respect the people on this forum and value your judgement. Any ideas would greatly be appreciated. Thank you!!

-- cowgirlone in OK (cowgirlone47@hotmail.com), April 02, 2002

Answers

It is so hard. My children have had to deal with a lot of death in the last year or so. I don't have any easy answers, just to let them talk and ask questions, and offer them the hope of seeing the person again someday when they won't be sick, hurt or in any pain. Keep the memory of the person alive by telling stories about them, and let the child talk as much as they want to... You will be in my prayers for sure.

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), April 02, 2002.

There is an awesome book by Max Lucado for children. I believe it is Tell Me the Secret. If it is not that one it is Tell Me the Story. One of the chapters is about death. They take the children to a maternity ward and let them look at all the babies. They talk about pretending to talk to one of those babies before it was born, and telling it that it was going to come out in the world and see people and lights, and colors, etc. Then imagine the baby saying, NO, NO, NO... I like it here. I can hear my mother's heartbeat, it is warm and cozy... This is all that baby knows. Then when it is born, it is like stepping through a door into a whole new place. It was not an ending but a beginning. That is what death is. It is a doorway... A new begininning.

Let them know that it is OK to cry and grieve the one you lost. That is normal and natural. Let them talk about it and I would encourage her to talk about it.

Hope this helps...

-- Marci in NE Ohio (Marci@amazinggrazefarm.com), April 02, 2002.

Oh my..cowgirl, what a tough spot to be in..I feel bad for your girl and her losses and I feel bad for you and having to watch her struggle with this.

THe following is what I believe..so it would indeed be what I would say to her. I believe that the moment a person takes their last breath in this body..and as soon as the silver cord is parted (our spirit/soul is parted from the body)..we go home to Father. Not only that..we get to see those that have passed on before us. I believe this with all my heart. I would also remind her that this life is but fleeting...sometimes we are here for a short time..sometimes for many many years...but in the BIG picture...when we die..we really are going to live..an eternity (we pray) where there is no illness, hate, pain, etc.

I think when people look at dying like it is something so very final...they have a hard time understanding it and/or coping with it. Living in the here and now..hey..its only a stepping stone to getting back home..(heaven).

Just my very..and I mean very humble opinion. Good luck...and a prayer going up for your daughter.

-- Sher (riverdobbers@webtv.net), April 02, 2002.

Thank you Melissa, I'm blessed that my daughter is open with me and able to talk about it. I guess it's just hard to see her suffer, I think she has aged some what over this. I'm going to continue holding her as tight as I can and thank God I have her. Thank you for your help and prayers!

-- cowgirlone in OK (cowgirlone47@hotmail.com), April 02, 2002.

Gosh, as adults I it would be near unbearable to deal with the loss of some many loved ones in such a short time, let alone a child. Bless her little heart.

Now is the time to point out that this is one of the biggest benefits of being a Christian - you don't have to bear it alone and you have that assurance of being together in the future. No one but God knows why the things that happened did happen. There are no answers - only that for some reason God loved them so much that he needed them to be with Him. God never allows anything to happen that isn't in our best interest.

Assure her that in time - even though it doesn't seem like it now, the hurt she feels in her loss will get better. That God did not take them from her..he allowed her to have them with her all this time!

Cowgirl, I will certainly remember you and your family in prayer. God bless.

-- Karen (mountains_mama2@hotmail.com), April 02, 2002.

Thank you Marci and Sher. I must have posted at the same time as you. I really appreciate the help. She seems to have accepted the death of her great grandfather well because of his age, but she doesn't understand the others. They were so young. I am going to use your suggestions. Thanks so much for helping me through this!

-- cowgirlone in OK (cowgirlone47@hotmail.com), April 02, 2002.

Thank you too Karen, I knew I could count on you good folks for help! Bless you!

-- cowgirlone in OK (cowgirlone47@hotmail.com), April 02, 2002.

I told my children that their uncle is in heaven and will meet them there. I'm sorry, sometimes there is no good answer.

-- Terri (hooperterri@prodigy.net), April 02, 2002.

In our church, we sometimes explain death to young children by using the analogy of a hand in glove. Just as the hand gives the glove "life", it is the spirit which gives the body life. Take the hand from the glove, and the glove has no life, but the hand still lives. When the spirit leaves the body, it does just that, it does not die.

It is always hard to lose those we care about in death, no matter how much faith we have, because we do love them. She will need time to grieve. But hopefully, she can learn to have faith that, though her friend and loved ones have died, their spirits are very much the same, and very much alive, and in a good place.

I agree with all the ideas above, as well. None of us knows how long our lives will be, and in the eternal perspective, it probably doesn't matter so much.

-- mary (mlg@mlg.com), April 02, 2002.

Thanks everyone for all of your prayers and help!! Things are going much better today. We are concentrating on helping the young friends family get through this. My daughter is becoming such a strong person, I'm so proud of her. I really appreciate all of you for your help, I knew you were a special group of people. Thanks for being here in our time of need!!

-- cowgirlone in ok (cowgirlone47@hotmail.com), April 03, 2002.

No advice here, but sure am thinking of you and will pray for you and yours. Thank you for sharing here. Cara in OR

-- Cara Dailey (daileyd@agalis.net), April 03, 2002.