I settled down to watch what I was hoping was a film about football. It seemed to be about a Brazillian footballer called De Sources and the title was, "Man On! De Sources!" Imagine my confusion after 2 hours of subtitles with some French tart trying to avenge the murder of her hunchbacked father.

Don't even get me started on the supposedly educational film we got out for my sister when she came of age, "The Blob" No wonder she is so ill at ease with her body, they never even mentioned tampons.

Anyone else been mislead by tinseltown?

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2002

Answers

I know exactly what you mean Softie. I'd been chatting up this new girlfriend for ages. Very attractive but a bit straight laced and so forth - you know the type (perhaps you don't Softie). Anyway after a good deal of persuasion I got her to come round to my place last week for a meal and I thought we'd watch a video afterwards. I knew she was fond of ballroom dancing and I spotted this title in the video shop which looked ideal to me. It was called "Last Tango In Paris". Well! I'll spare you the details of the film but suffice to say I think I am unlikely to hear from the young lady again. Fortunately though, the bruising on my shins has started to get better.

There was also that time last Spring when I took the children to a farm to see the new born lambs. They loved it. We had a great day. On the way back I stopped by the video store and took out a movie which I thought would remind them of our lovely day out and I could sit them in front of it whilst I disappeared into the kitchen to prepare the dinner. Well, I would certainly recommend avoiding "The Silence of the Lambs" for your kids. The child psychiatrist assures me that the nightmares and the screaming that wakes me up every night should wear off after a few more months.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2002

Aye I know what you mean...Collateral damage with Arnie was shite as well....don't bother going to see it when it comes out in the uk...

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2002

On a related issue Softie, did you ever get a response to your letter of complaint about that magazine you bought thinking it was about Etruscan vases, "Big Jugs Monthly"? And did you remember to cancel the subscription?

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2002

I never actually did get around to cancelling teh subscription jonno, I decided to show them that no matter how much filth they posted through my letterbox I would remain a fine, upstanding chap full of spunk and unwithered by their wiles. Interestingly enough, the content has never yet got around to any of the major styles of Mediterranean amphorae and yet I'm still learning something new every month, or should that be (t)issue?

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2002

Mediterranean amphorae

Ah yes - a big favourite of mine too Softie. Not many of them to the pound! :-)

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2002

Well, speaking of which I thought "Titanic" was a major disappointment. Turned out to be about a ship that sank.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2002

No matter what anyone tells you, The Sting has absolutely nothing to do with the singer. Or the bbser.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2002

Of course not - it's about bee-keeping, isn't it?

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2002

"Shag" wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2002

Dr Bill, I wish you could be a little more thoughtful. A number of people won't have seen that movie and now you've just ruined it for them by giving away the ending.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2002

Dear vicars of Greenspun, I thought it appropriate to educate my kids on religion, and chanced upon a video entitled 'God with us' or 'Emmanuel' in English. Imagine my massive cinematic letdown when I discovered the true content of the movie.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2002

When you're ready to educate them about the downfall of Richard Nixon, there's a documentary out called "Deep Throat". So I've heard...

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2002

"Shag" wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

"Shaft" was a big disappointment as well.

(There wasn't a single shot of any colliery winding gear)

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2002