Can an abuser learn to stop abusing a victim? : LUSENET : Domestic Violence Accounts : One Thread

If both the man and women in a mariage have been abusive(verbally,sometimes hitting, sometimes emotionally) in the past to each other can they learn to avoid hurting each other?

-- Anonymous, March 25, 2002


YES. I grew up with abuse, then have abused my first and second wife. With both of them it was a mutal thing. I am still with my second wife of almost seven years. And with the help of paxil for me and effexor for my wife, and counseling, the abuse has completely stopped since 3 years ago. we now know how to communicate, and we talk instead of acting with abuse. If even one of us are too angry, then we take a breather, and come back to the problem with figuring out solutions after we had calm down. And most of all we have learned to respect ourself and each other and our marriage. But, this is a lesbian relationship. And it is known that homosexual relationships and marriages last longer than straight ones, and there is less abuse towards the spouses and children. I believe that is because hetersexuals have it easy in this society, they are accepted as a couple, and can adopt, have children,and quite easy. Homosexuals on the other hand have to pull together as a unite just to sometimes get through the day with out getting there butt kicked for being a "fag". Also, by the time we have children, that child is VERY loved and thought through and wanted, unlike most children that are born to hetersexuals. So, the bond with a homosexual marriage is greater than that of a hetersexual lifestyle-family. The hardships and life experiences of homosexuals are deeper and more in quanity than of hetersexuals, so that is the difference. My answer to you, yes anyone can change and quit abusing. But a hetersexual stopping abusing their "wife" or "husband" is not likely. They don't have nothing to lose or anything that they can't get the next day. They can go have sex and produce a child the very next day and get "legally" married and "legally" adopt so very easy. It is taken for granted by most hetersexuals, unlike homosexuals, because they have to fight and put up thousands of dollars for ANYTHING they get in this society. We cherish things, hetersexuals tend not to. So, I hope for the best for hetersexuals, but since they got the easy road and don't have to fight for their rights or equality, abuse towards spouses and children and others will continue to rise for hetersexuals. For homosexuals, it rarley happens, we have to fight for our rights and fight to keep them.

-- Anonymous, March 30, 2002

I don't think you can give a definitive answer to this. Some people will be willing to change, and some won't. I've actually discussed this in other postings on this bboard.. I'd suggest you look through the postings. Short answer is that you need to be realistic as to whether the other person is going to be consistently making the effort to make the relationship work. If they aren't -- and most of the time they aren't -- then you're deluding yourself that it's going to work out somehow.

-- Anonymous, April 01, 2002

From my experience - NO NO NO. My wife is abusive and has not wanted to change. As for the homosexual's view. She is lying. I have been attacked by a homo female and by a homo male in my room. I fought him off and told him to rot in the hell of his making. And the female- she can go to hell.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2002

No, you can't change people, but you can get away from them -- if you're an adult.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2002

I firmly believe - A leopard never changes its spots. A man once abusive will remain abusive until he eventually kills his prey (the women), this was where I almost was after trying for several years to change a leopards spots.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2002

I have nothing against homosexuals, in fact, a few of my friends happen to be of that sexual preference. However, when the first replier of this question states that children aren't loved as much in hetersexual relationships as in homosexual, I find it difficult to believe that the sexual prefence of the parents should change how they feel towards their children. That is a prejudice almost as bad as the prejudice as homosexuals themselves. Love cannot be classified in such a way.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2002

Hello Dave

MY name is Rick H. , I happened to see your posting on the safe- support e-mail support group from march 2002. Today is June 23,2002 and I WOULD LIKE TO TRY TO GIVE MY PEROSNAL OPINION. YOUR question was , can BOTH persons (the Husband AND the Wife) if the both have a propensitiy to be abusive , Can they change?

My experience is YES and No, Let me try to explain. First, it only takes one person in the dynamics of any relationship (involving two people) when one partner begin to nake some changes, Like saying No to destructive behavior or quit rescuing the irresponsible one (male or female) and let the destructive, irresponsible one experience the consequences of their own behavior. For me , that has been THE starting point of me learn to allow the "Cause and Effect" play out in its natural or logical form...and that was with only me changeing...she only screamed, lied, attempted to verbally abuse me...AND MY TYPICAL response to her (ex-wife) is now on the phone and limited at that..However, TO DEMONSTATE HOW the relationship can if i CHANGE keep taking the "log out of my own eye" so to speak...then we will see clearly to take the speack out of her/his eye"....and it really is making some positve changes..

A really great book for learning to make some of these changes as i apoke of mentioned above...see book entiltled "BOUNDARIES" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. JOHN Townsend.... WONDERFUL book.... THIS BOOK IS from a christian perspective...However this one resource has save my life in learning how to change myself and protect myself from abusive , dangerous and destructive my now ex- wife.... I FEEL SO MUCH peace and sernity and peace ..beacuse I can say no to destructive and dangerous persons now....i am not perfect... but i certainly am getting better and i am more awre of what i am looking for, and if seh starts her stuff again..i just hang up ...and take call 911...and you know that really has such a humbling effect on my ex-wife anyway...AND I DONT GET all upset in fact i dont even loose sleep now...and she seems to be getting much more cooperative by the know why.. I HADE A GOOD FRIEND TELL ME Rick ......" A wise man/woman will listen to words...but a FOOL will only listen to consequences... and you know what all of my nagging, my getting upset, my worries etc etc..were not bothering her (the violent one) only me...i learned i had to chage what i was doing.In recovery , through some 12 step groups My friends remind me....Rick ,,NOTHING CHANGES...IF NOTHING CHANGES... SO MY QUESTION TO YOU MY FRIEND FROM THE safe-support group....HOW OT WHAT CHAnges will you make this week? What difernt steps will you take? will you actully foolow through on calling 911 next time? will you walk away next time she starts her threats or even violent behavior....what will you do differnt this next time , where she will experice some pain and going to jail if she hits you or the kids... That has works wonders with my ex---she and i have a long ways to go...But my answer is yes to your original question..Can two people learn being abusive towards one another....WHEN YOU GET BETTER AND CHANGE she will automaticly change..please consider geting that Book , "Boundaries" by Dr.Cloud and just may save your life? after all,,is what you doing now helping you at all? Do you have the courage (in a good constructive way) to try something new? its worth the risk for me...I FINSISH WITH THIS......i was told that the definition of Insanity is:Doing the same thing day in and day out, and expecting different results" So what will you do differnt this time?

feedback always welcome Rick H.

Central Florida


-- Anonymous, June 24, 2002

Nice fantasy. what you propose here is based on the fact that she did everything right and you did nothing wrong. My advice to you is this, if your wife is "FINE"---and your life is "FINE"---dont even try to give advise to folks who's lives are NOT---If you've not stared into the mouth of a gun, held by the woman you loved the most- -wielded, by her, to win an argument she started to begin with -if you've not been kept a prisoner of your home for weeks on end--- months even---because she had a 'bad hair DAY'---keep off these boards. If you've never been asked to answer for your every move-- and i also mean when its to wipe your ass---as my wife did me----then bow you head, get off the stage, but dont trivialize the rest of us who have gone through that---and believe me I have. just because your wife wised up, doesn't mean another will---mine certainly didnt-- -its NOT always the mans' fault.

-- Anonymous, August 12, 2002

I have gone through physical abuse from my husband. I'm financially dependent on him. I don't think, it is possible for me to live alone. My husband is a very good provider. He gets angry for all reasons. I'm in a dilemma, as i do not know, whether to continue with this relationship or not? I was married earlier and I have gone through the same problem. I left my home country and came here after marrying for the second time. I'm very particular about my son's education. I do not have a car. No bus facility to go around. I absolutely have no financial support from the family. I'm in a dilemma. I get very angry on my husband after this incident. I got him bailed out. I have done a lot of good things to him. Even when I do something good, he would look at something that I have not done and doesn't treat me with respect. I know that he is also going to stress. I do not know what to do. I would appreciate, if you can give me your opinion.

Look forward to hearing from you.

-- Anonymous, November 27, 2002

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