This Sunday, the News of The BBS uncovers yet more disgraceful goings on, involving this once proud Premiership club. Newcastle United is never far from controversy and we can today exclusivley reveal a vile trade in titillating videos which have been circulated amongst their fans. Our reporters have discovered that these videos are made and distributed from Australia of all places and there seems no lengths to which this club will not go to conceal it's murky activities. Of course, a number of Newcastle fans have recently questioned why disgraced director Freddie Shepherd (turn to pages 2-16 for a reminder of that story) has been visiting Australia recently, and whilst we have not been able to discover the exact link ourselves, we leave you to draw the obvious conclusion.

The story originates in Australia, with a shadowy video distribution outfit known as "Gusvision". Gus, the proprieter, had made a series of extremely tantalising and titillating videos which have been distributed under plain wrapping to several Newcastle fans, (several of them believed to be vicars) in the UK. Demand had soared for these videos bearing such titles as "Coming from behind" and "Up the A*se". One of these titles featured Newcastle bad boy Kieron Dyer who has featured in a number of videos he made himself as we have revealed in this paper before (see pages 22-45 and the colour supplement).

Gus, sensing an opportunity for riches, went too far when he pushed even further beyond the bounds of human decency. Two more recent videos "A*se on top" and "A*se P*ss on the Lads" were too strong even for the tastes of his regular customers and demand flopped, forcing Gusvison into bankruptcy. Indeed these videos were in such bad taste that Gus received orders for only 2 copies of each. We can reveal that the buyers of those two videos were two individuals known only by the codenames ML3 and SK, two characters with an unusual and sordid taste in beastiality which we cannot reveal here in a family newspaper but which goes under the initials FTM.

Yesterday, our reporters called at the home of one of Gusvison's main customers, retired miner, Pit Bill. When we arrived outside his palatial Washington home, recently extended to house the extra videos, we found the curtains drawn in every window of the house. After ringing the door bell repeatedly, our reporters were told by his embarrassed wife that Pit Bill was "having a lie down". Our reporters would have beaten a hasty retreat but found their car had been stolen while they were at the door.

We also called at the home of Clarky, one of Newcastle's more respectable fans and asked him for a comment about his fellow disgraced supporters. A tight lipped and ashen faced Clarky, appearing at the door with what appeared to be a video hurriedly concealed beneath his sweater, barked out a single one word answer which sums up this unsavoury episode, "Tossers!".

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2002

Answers

Artificial Porn

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2002

Jonno - After a thoroughly depressing evening spent sulking around wondering whether I'd rushed to judgement, and been overly critical of The Lads, whether we'd simply been beaten by the best team in the PL, I logged on this morning full of trepidation, anticipating my usual castigation from the HGFB (ie. Half Glass Full Brigade).

As ever, one of your posts has risen my spirits inordinately at my time of need, as I prepare to move and face the music. Onwards, onwards.........

Great post, bonny lad.

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2002

LOL!! Thanks Jonno.

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2002

Brilliant Jonno.

Dragged myself off the charpoy in me new video shack, just to see what the crack on here was this morning, and you've lifted my spirits to such a height, people think this digestive gas rictus is a smile.

I take it you meant 'retired minor', cos I've never been down a pit in my life, other than the psychological one I've been scrabbling to get out of for the last forty odd years.

And you can have your car back if you like, couldn't even give it away. Keep up the good work. Just what I needed. :-{E}

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2002

Apparently, this will all be denied in next week's issue of the Consett and Stanley Advertiser.

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2002

Good one, Jonno!

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2002

Nice one Jonno! (:o)

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2002

My lawyers will be in touch with your legal support team (I think that is what dougal refers to herself as these days)

-- Anonymous, March 25, 2002

Many thanks for the feedback guyzngalz. If the piece raised some spirits on a sad weekend then your comments to that effect were no less important in making me feel better too. And I almost did myself a multiple nasty laughing at Pit Bill's "digestive gas rictus". :-)

-- Anonymous, March 25, 2002