Our son has been in a verbally and physically abused relationship since he was 18 yrs old - he is now 25 yrs old. She came from a physical, sexual, and verbal abused family - there was and still is domestic violence in her mother's household. My son and her married last year after having a child - he wanted to do the right thing. Immediately after their wedding vows things really got worse.

She has always been the instigator of all the fights. Our son was never abused when growing up. It has reached the point that she gets in his face until he has to either restrain her or take her abuse either verbally or physically. Last year, they had an argument, she immediately called her mother - who by the way is the true instigator behind everything that happens to their relationship - her mother advised her to get a restraining order against our son, and filed for divorce the next day. Our son was devastated - he felt he lost everything, he still loved her and the fact he lost their daughter was the biggest blow. He became suidical and very depressed. He couldn't work. My husband and I took him in and allowed him to live with us until he got back on his feet - this meant he had to find a job and provide for his daughter. After two months we finally had to come up with the money for an apartment for him and told him he is on his own. He moved out and she went back to him. I was hoping they would work it out and her mother would stay out of their relationship. But it didn't work. Six months later, same thing happened again - she became physically abusive towards him - he called the police to report it and they just asked him 'what do you want us to do about it?' Our son wouldn't file a complaint, however he told the police he wanted the abuse documented in case anthing else happened. When she returned home, he told her what he had done and she became very upset - turned it around and told him the next time he hits her she was going to call the police. Strange how the abuser can change things for the victim. She got an emergency restraining order on him. He returned to their apartment because he had 'no' other place to go (we have tried to make him be responsible and deal with his problems on his own) and of course she called her 'mother' again - the police came out and actually took him to jail. He had never been in jail before and he did not call us to bail him out, but I knew he was there. My husband and I felt so badly for him, but we thought maybe he will now see the abuse is just escalating and maybe just maybe he would leave her for good. Thanks to her, after he got out of jail he found out he lost his job.

He is now staying with my sister, my husband and I have agreed to welcome him in our home again once he found a job. He just started a new job - he is very happy and his confidence is good, however he has told me that if she gets help he would go back to her.

My other concern is our little granddaughter. She is being kept with our daughter in law and her mother, who has a live in boyfriend that has been accused of molestion. I don't have any proof of this, only what I've been told. But also the fact that our daughter in law - and I don't really like to acknowledge she is in any way related - does not try to hide her verbal and physical abuse from this child. I would like to know if as a grandparent I have any rights to get custody or guardianship of her with only hearsay facts - she is only two years old - in my opinion young enough to break the cycle of abuse that family keeps generating.

Please do not use my real name - appreciate any advise..

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2002

Answers

responding to abused son letter brings to mind my own son who died on march 18 1995 as the result of an abusive relationship. he lived with a young woman who had a 3yr old child from a previous relationship. it was evident to all she was using our son for her own benefits. he worked very hard to support her and the child and she was abusing him for almost two years before he finally admitted that she was violent. she would even jump on hood of his vehicle and was jealous of a small iguana he had in a cage. the final straw was when she physically attacked our son and bleeding he called the police. yes, she denied it while being hauled away and he was left with her child to watch over. he then felt sorry for her and got her out of jail whereupon she turned in an abuse report on him. within a matter of days, she killed the iguana, reduced our son to despair and finally after all this he was devastated when she left on march 17th at night and called us to tell all. the next morning he was in a devastated state and unable to wait until his father arrived and meantime he drove his truck lost control coming off a freeway ramp and hit a wall and was killed

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2002

responding to abused son letter brings to mind my own son who died on march 18 1995 as the result of an abusive relationship. he lived with a young woman who had a 3yr old child from a previous relationship. it was evident to all she was using our son for her own benefits. he worked very hard to support her and the child and she was abusing him for almost two years before he finally admitted that she was violent. she would even jump on hood of his vehicle and was jealous of a small iguana he had in a cage. the final straw was when she physically attacked our son and bleeding he called the police. yes, she denied it while being hauled away and he was left with her child to watch over. he then felt sorry for her and got her out of jail whereupon she turned in an abuse report on him. within a matter of days, she killed the iguana, reduced our son to despair and finally after all this he was devastated when she left on march 17th at night and called us to tell all. the next morning he was in a devastated state and unable to wait until his father arrived and meantime he drove his truck lost control coming off a freeway ramp and hit a wall and was killed. his dad arrived minutes after the accident only two blocks from our sons apt. im sure he also would have returned to her in the end had he survived. she was a cold and cruel young lady and i cannot believe there are young women like that. please, please get your sons and brothers away from this type before they also have to die.she came to his funeral, her parents came also, but only to retrieve some personal papers they had requested we bring to the funeral for them. no remorse was evident. we hope the police and psychologist will become more aware of male abuse because these young men and older men too im sure are all virile and handsome and strong and do not look like they would allow a woman to reduce them to despair. our son did please save yours.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2002

Encourage your son not to return to his previous relationship-she sounds to be too much of a lost cause to change through any amount of therapy, especially due to her previous years as a victim of abuse.

As for your granddaughter, I would take the case to court immediately. Even word of the mouth can mean saving one more child from abuse...

-- Anonymous, April 05, 2002

I can see some lessons here:

1) Do not date single mothers, they're usually selfish, abusers, or both, 2) Learn to recognize signs and symptoms of abusive behavior, 3) If she's a verbal or physical abuser, just move out and far away, while you still have a shred of self-confidence, 4) Remember that the justice system is not on your side; and 5) Video tape several violent episodes (or have her threaten you with a weapon on a video tape) so that you can prove in Court that she is violent and dangerous, and you will have some admissible evidence, if you choose to fight her in Court.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2002